Page 28 of The River in Spring
With that one syllable word, the table quiets.
Deborah pops back in. “That was a different night.”
What just happened? Seems like they all came to the realization of something at once. Except for me. Dove’s eyebrow raises slightly, but I see it. She keeps her head down and her spoon in play. Just as Deborah’s about to say something, Jimmy interrupts.
“It was the engagement party,” he says, looking in my direction. “Dove’s and mine.”
8
Dove
“I looked like an ass! Why didn’t you tell me? It’s ridiculous!” Nobel says.
He is pissed off and does not care to hide the fact. The meet and greet ended early and people couldn’t wait to get the hell out. That’s not a first, which is the point. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know why it happened once before.
“I didn’t think it would come up so soon! You are overreacting! Let me explain!”
I’m trying to hold my emotions in check, but they are about to boil over. I’m either going to cry or scream. I might tell him to calm the fuck down. Probably the last one.
“Overreacting? You think I don’t have the right to expect you to at least warn me when I’m going to be in the close company of someone you have loved?”
He takes a few beats before adding with emphasis, “Or fucked.”
The heat rises on my face. “Ohhh. There it is.” I point right at him. “That’s what this is all about.”
He stops and looks me in the eyes. His demeanor calms. Like the eye of a storm.
“No. It isn’t. But it’s part of it. You were being disrespectful to me hiding something so important to know. It makes it a secret between you two. I don’t like that you did that. I have to go.”
I feel tears well. He doesn’t look me in the face as he moves to the door. It slams in a final statement. I don’t think he realizes how hurt I feel. We have only known each other for a short time. I am not required to tell this man every single thing I’ve gone through. He has nothing to worry about but didn’t give me the chance to say.
Closing my eyes, I try seeing things from Nobel’s point of view. Once I do it’s kind of hard to deny he has a point. Shit. Grandma used to tell me I was my own worst enemy because of my iron stubbornness. Thought I outgrew it.
I figured I had more time to ease into the conversation. Now he is going to think my avoidance equals repressed feelings. How do I explain without sounding pathetic? Or cruel. Or revealing Jimmy’s vulnerability. And will he believe me? I can hear him now, pointing out nobody agrees to a marriage proposal unless they want to. Least of all me. Things aren’t always black and white. I have to talk with him tonight. In person. Make him understand exactly how I feel about any other man, past or future.
It’s dusk when I finally make it to his place. The deep purple streaked sky reflects the mood of the moment. I climb the steps of the porch and feel my stomach turn. There are more than butterflies taking flight. There are condors. I didn’t want him to reject my plan to talk it out, so the visit is unannounced. He hasn’t called me once since walking out this afternoon. Don’t really blame him. Damn.
Remembering the feeling I had when first I saw the view from this porch is the best support I can call on. The feeling of being in a place that means something big in my life. Something true. That could not have been false. Now, I need to put action to feeling. If we are meant to be together, there needs to be clarity about who we are. Right from the start.
He should know the people in my life have been chosen carefully. They are each there by reason of their goodness. I can’t imagine life without their friendships. Nobel doesn’t seem to have many close friends, other than his brothers. He said it was always like that. And that’s okay. For him. I’m a different beast. I like people around me.
I ring the bell and wait. Maudie shows up first, peeking out the window. I wave and make kissing sounds. A wagging tail says her hellos. It feels like a lifetime before the sound of the human’s footsteps reach the door. It swings open. For a moment we just look at each other. Then my confidence evaporates, and the tears start streaming.
He takes me in his arms.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t mean to deceive or hide anything,” I say, burying my face in his chest. “You have to believe me.”
It takes a moment before he responds. When I look up into his beautiful eyes, the anger is gone. But he’s still uncomfortable. I can see.
“Let’s go inside. We can talk it out there.”
Maudie stands guard at the doorstep, and she’s watching us. Her eyes are mostly on Nobel and she questions the mood.Are you sad?In an offering of love, she licks his hand.
He pats her head. “It’s all right, old girl.”
I would bet she has been comforting him since returning from my house. It’s a dog’s love language.
We go to the couch and settle next to each other. Maudie curls at his feet, not wanting to be apart.
