Page 68 of The Sky in Summer
With each day that passes, Van and I get closer to our undoing. A sadness came to sit with me a few weeks ago and it hasn’t left. I am afraid it might be hard to lose. Because now I know for certain what being in love feels like. Longing takes on a deeper definition.
My life is about to change. His too. He will be starting an exciting chapter, in a beautiful city. A handsome man in perfect prime. The fabulous apartment in the heart of Paris, designed for the single modern man. There will be new French friends and beautiful lovers. It sounds amazing.
I, on the other hand, will resume my life as it was before. I will be happy watching the boys become men and living in their love. Barbra and I will be each other’s warriors as we always have been. Eventually, things will get back to my old happy. Nobody will be able to tell how much I think about the one who went away.
For Van, memories of me, the boys, and our summer together will fade into a pleasant but short story.
Despite having been together for a sliver of time, I am changed. Why didn’t I avoid any chance of a broken heart the first time I felt more than friendship? That night in the pool at The Club. I would have laughed then at the thought I was falling. Before I began imagining what the futurecouldlook like. I
will never have him that way though. It kills me.
That is why I need to be smart right now. It will hurt much less if I keep reminding myself there is an expiration date to us. Just because I am way ahead of his affectionate friendship. He doesn’t feel the stirrings of love for me. Otherwise, he would be staying, or saying he wishes he could. At the very least, bursting with the words wanting to be said. It hasn’t happened, because he doesn’t feel it. As much as he has had fun, he just is not that into me in any other way. Unrequited love is cruel.
“Mom!”
David’s voice brings me back from my thoughts with a shock. I am back in my kitchen, coffee no longer steaming in the cup.
“Were you sleeping sitting up?”
“No. No. I was just meditating.”
“We’re off,” he says checking his cell, then kissing me on the head.
“Okay. Have a good day. You look nice, honey. Where’s your brother?”
“He’s coming.”
“Make sure you drive responsibly. Don’t do anything…”
“Mom! You don’t have to say that every time we are going to be driving from now on. Geez.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Bye, Mom!” Tyler peeks inside the doorway then disappears. “Come on, David!”
“Have a good day! Be responsible!” I call to the retreating figures.
I don’t have to guess the reason they are excited to get to school. It’s the girls. It’s always the girls now. As expected.
The first day of the school year has changed drastically over the years. It started with trepidation and tears back in kindergarten. At least for David. Tyler was always the cheerful child. But when he found out he had to do it every day, he joined his brother. I had two kids wailing as I handed them over to the kind patient teacher.
Things improved after that. Until they hit puberty. Then acne and insecurities hit like a tidal wave, but they had each other to commiserate with. That helped. And now, and for the last few years, things have changed. Their good personalities and looks affect everything. They have been leaving me in bits for a while now. One year at a time, I feel them becoming autonomous. That’s the goal I know. But it isn’t the easiest thing for me to face. Who am I exactly, when not mother?
Next year they will be seniors, and then off to college. I want to cry thinking about the day that is already visible in the distance. I need to stop thinking about it. Today sucks enough already. I hear the front door slam shut. It is a metaphor for my life.
But in another minute it opens and Tyler’s voice reaches from the living room to where I sit.
“Mom! Aunt Barbra’s here! She said to bring her jacket!”
“Okay!”
The slamming commences. It gets me up though and I get the jacket and my purse, sitting on the bar. At least the morning will be distracting for a while. Barbra and I taking care of business. Hers and mine. She has a doctor’s appointment followed by my eye exam. Both before we meet the Lyon women for breakfast. It was a nice invitation, and I was surprised when Aurora called and suggested Barbra and I join them.
If things go as expected, this will probably be one of the last times spent in each other’s company. After Van leaves for Paris, what reason would we have to be together other than casually at the boy’s games or school functions?
Pushing all anxieties to the back of my mind, I walk out slamming the door on the bad start to my day.
“I see them, thank you, Carol,” I say to the young waitress with the name tag on her uniform.
