Page 5 of Dark Island: Rescue
He'd disappointed Gulan when he hadn't left his fiancée for her, he had disappointed Ashegan because he hadn't loved her, and he'd disappointed Khiann when he hadn't followed his advice not to string Gulan along.
His punishment was to be alone.
"The Fates are in charge of our destinies," Annani said. "I learned that lesson a long time ago, though it took me centuries to accept it. We need to put in the work because they do not reward those who do nothing to advance their goals, and we can hope, because they want us to believe in them, but even if we please them in every possible way, they follow their own timeline, not ours."
Esag set his cup down with a soft clink. "I hate feeling useless and hopeless. As long as I believed that my carvings of Khiann would help find him, I had purpose. Now I don't know what to do with myself."
"Youcould join the Guardian force," Annani suggested. "They are doing important work, rescuing women and children from traffickers. There is nothing more satisfying than fighting evil in all of its ugly forms and saving the innocent. I am sure that Onegus would welcome someone with your experience."
Esag chuckled. "I might offer my services, but my experience is five thousand years old and not relevant to what they are doing these days. It would take me a long time to catch up."
She regarded him with those wise eyes of hers that were still full of love and compassion despite all she had been through. "You have lived longer than any of them, and you survived on your wits. You will be a valuable addition to the force."
"Thank you for the vote of confidence."
Annani wasn't the type to offer platitudes. She must truly believe that he would make a great contribution to the Guardian force. So even though he hadn't considered it seriously before, her belief in him pushed him to explore the possibility.
She studied him over the rim of her cup. "Tell me, how are you enjoying life in the village? Have you been making new friends?"
"I've been obsessed with the figurines and haven't had the patience to socialize. Roven and Davuh, on the other hand, are having a great time, though I think I'll drag them to meet the Chief of Guardians when I go to see him. They've been on vacation for far too long. They need to start making themselves useful to the clan and repaying your kindness."
His buddies were living the life of gigolos, entertaining as many of the clan ladies as they could manage, without thinking about working or contributing in other productive ways.
Annani smiled knowingly, apparently having heard rumors about his friends' escapades. "Have either of them had any luck finding a mate?"
Esag was sure Annani knew exactly who each of them had spent their nights with.
"They're putting a lot of effort into going over the selection." Esag couldn't keep the edge from his voice. "They're like kids in a candy store. After five thousand years of believing we were the last immortals alive, finding a village full of potential mates has been overwhelming. For them, anyway."
"But not for you. Why are you not pursuing anyone, Esag? You are a highly desirable immortal bachelor, and the ladies are disappointed that you keep yourself locked in your workshop and do not make yourself available."
He rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't know that I was disappointing even more people."
Annani set her cup down. "Esag, look at me."
He did so, reluctantly.
"You should go out and live your life. You should not put everything on hold for this search or for anything else."
"But—"
"I am not done." She raised one tiny hand. "You are still grieving, and you are so filled with guilt that you do not believe you deserve happiness. I know because I felt the same and worse. Can you imagine the amount ofguilt I carry for being the catalyst of my people's demise? For being the reason Khiann was robbed of his life?"
"It wasn't your fault," he murmured.
"And it was not yours either," she said. "But that is neither here nor there. Guilt and grief are insidious bedfellows because there is comfort in their cold embrace. The problem is that they are the servants of death, and they drain your life force. I managed to pull myself out of the pit of despair by taking on a mission. I had to preserve the gods' legacy, and I knew that I could not do it alone. I could not afford to curl up in grief and wallow in guilt and hope for oblivion. Life demanded I keep moving forward. I needed to have children to help me continue the gods' work. I took on human lovers even though it was repugnant to me at first. Eventually, I learned to select men who reminded me of my Khiann so that I could tolerate them. That is how I created my clan and saved humanity from Navuh's clutches time and again."
The words hit Esag hard. Annani had been impossibly strong to overcome her grief and choose life. It hadn't been discipline or natural resilience that had propelled her forward. It had been a decision, a deliberate choice not to succumb to despair. Realizing that shifted something in his perspective.
"We are not built the same, Princess," he said. "You knew your purpose. What is mine? I'm a squire turned carver who sometimes has visions but never when it really matters."
"You have the same thing I had—a life to live and a future to build." She leaned forward. "Find a lady, Esag.Settle down. Try to have children. Create something beyond this endless cycle of disappointment."
The picture Annani had painted with her words was so ludicrous that Esag couldn't help the laughter bubbling from deep within his chest, but there was little humor in it. "Even if I found a lady tomorrow and started working on a family right away, it could be centuries before I had a child. Immortals are not blessed with fertility."
"Which is precisely why you should start now rather than wait." Annani rearranged the folds of her gown. "Besides, we are not as helpless in that regard as we used to be. Merlin, the clan's fertility expert, helped Kian and Syssi conceive, as well as Bridget and Turner. It might not seem like much, given the many couples he is treating, but it is still far more than would have occurred naturally. He is a little strange, but he is entertaining."
"I've met Merlin." Esag leaned down to take one of the biscuits that Ogidu had served with the tea. "He came by the workshop to look at the figurines. He wanted me to carve a figurine of his mate and his adopted daughter, but I told him I wasn't taking orders until I was done with perfecting Khiann's." He bent to pull out several of the creations he'd brought with him.
