Page 25 of Dark Island: Rescue
Well, not all redheads. Wonder was married to a very nice one. Anandur seemed like a wonderful mate, loyal and steadfast, and nothing like Esag. Annani was a redhead, too, and Tula worshipped her.
"I just hate Esag," she corrected. "Which is why the dream was so disturbing."
In the dream, he hadn't seemed like the arrogant ass she remembered. He seemed sad. Lost. Like he was drowning in regret.
"What did he want?" Tony asked.
"I don't know. He didn't say anything, but he looked like he needed something. Forgiveness, maybe?" She snorted. "As if he would ever get that from me. I'm not the type who forgives and forgets. Cross me once, and you'll earn my scorn for eternity."
Tony was quiet for a moment. "If he's dead, you shouldn't hold on to your grudge. We are supposed to forgive the deceased, and if we don't, they will haunt us until we do. Otherwise, it's unfinished business for them."
She arched a brow. "Perhaps in your religion, but not in mine. Besides, what unfinished business would he have with me? I was just the little sister who he barely paid any attention to."
"Maybe the business isn't with you specifically. Maybe it's about Gulan, and since she's dead and he can't get forgiveness from her, he seeks it from you."
Gulan wasn't dead, and she'd already forgiven Esag,but if he needed even more forgiveness, he could bother Gulan in her sleep instead of annoying Tula.
"Even if he's suffering in the void because of his guilty conscience, I don't care. He doesn't deserve peace, and he certainly doesn't deserve it from me or my family."
"That's harsh."
"Is it?" She turned to face Tony. "No one forced him to lead my sister on. He could have been honest from the beginning and admitted that he found her attractive but was going to marry Ashegan anyway for her money and status."
"Maybe he did." Tony reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Did you ask Gulan about it?"
Tula shook her head.
"He might have told her exactly that, and she still hoped he would change his mind." Tony smiled. "Did I ever tell you about my cousin who was seeing a married man?"
Tula shook her head, and Tony launched into a long story about how his cousin wasted years of her life hoping the married man would one day divorce his wife for her, while he had never promised her that.
It was possible that Tony was right about Esag being truthful with Gulan, but it still didn't absolve him of guilt. "He should have known better. Every time he sought her out, every time he gave her a gift or a compliment or a lingering look, he was choosing to keep her hopes alive while knowing he would never follow through."
Tula could feel the old anger building, making her chest tight, but it was almost a relief to feel something other than the constant anxiety about the escape plan and leaving her sisters behind.
Tony pulled her against him, and she let herself lean into his warmth. His hand found her belly, just resting there, and she covered it with her own.
"I think that the dream bothers you so much because seeing Esag sad makes you feel something other than hatred toward him. You always want to make everyone feel better, even when you don't think they deserve it."
Trust Tony to cut right to the heart of it. She'd felt something in that dream—a flicker of recognition, maybe even empathy. Esag had looked the way she felt most days now: trapped, desperate, full of regrets.
"I don't want to feel anything for him except contempt," she admitted. "But in the dream, it was like we were the same somehow. Both of us lost, both of us carrying sorrow we couldn't unload."
"You're not lost," Tony said firmly. "We're getting out of here?—"
"Shh." She pressed a finger to his lips. "I know. But until then, I feel lost. Adrift. Like I'm drowning and I can't even call for help. It's the fear that nothing will come of it."
Tony kissed her fingers, then pulled her hand away to hold it. "The dream could mean nothing, you know. Just your mind processing stress in weird ways."
"Maybe." But she didn't think so. The dream had felt different from her usual anxiety-driven nightmaresof running in circles and not finding a way out. More meaningful. More real.
"Esag is probably reaching from beyond the veil and wants to make amends. You should forgive him and let it rest."
"No. He can rot in whatever hell exists for selfish immortal bastards. I don't care if he's sorry. I don't care if he regrets everything. Sorry doesn't undo the damage."
She realized she was getting worked up again, her voice rising, and forced herself to take a deep breath. Getting emotional wasn't good for the baby. Areana had said so. She needed to stay calm.
"I need to go back to sleep." She yawned. "It's just stress manifesting in weird ways. For some reason, my brain has decided to torment me with images of people I hate because, apparently, I don't have enough torment in my life."
