Page 60 of Dark Island: Rescue
Wonder was quiet, letting him work through his thoughts. It was one of the things he'd always appreciated about her—her ability to give him space to feel what he needed to feel.
"I loved you," he said, the words coming easier now. "Or I thought I did. But it was a selfish kind of love, so maybe it wasn't real at all." He looked up at her. "Real love is when you're willing to sacrifice everything for the other person. When their happiness matters more than your own comfort, your own security, your own future."
She nodded. "That's how I knew you didn't love me. You weren't willing to sacrifice anything for me. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. Do you know this expression?"
"I do, and you are absolutely right. In my defense, it wasn't all about me. I wasn't willing to sacrifice my sisters' futures. They needed good marriages, and that depended on my marrying well. I wasn't willing to face their disappointment, their anger, the shame I'd bring onthe family by breaking a betrothal contract. I chose responsibility over desire. Or at least that's what I told myself. That I was being mature, practical, thinking of others instead of myself." He laughed, but there was no humor in it. "The truth is probably somewhere in between. I wanted you, but I wanted security more, and most of all, I wanted to make everyone happy, which I realized later was not possible."
"You are a people pleaser, Esag, and usually that's a good thing, but sometimes it backfires." The understanding in her eyes nearly undid him. "What else did Tula tell you in the vision?"
He told her everything he remembered, and when he was done, the haunted expression had gone from her face.
"Was it true what you told her? That you were about to break the engagement?"
"I'd made up my mind. I was going to talk to my father the very day you ran off."
"I wish I'd known." Wonder's voice was soft. "It might have changed things. Or maybe not. The Fates wanted to save us both, and by making me run away, they did. I left with the caravan, and Khiann sent you to look for me. If we'd stayed behind, we would have both died with the others."
They went silent for a long moment, mourning all of those they had lost.
Wonder squeezed his hand briefly. "We were both young and stupid and made mistakes. But we survived them. Found better loves. Built better lives."
Esag managed a smile. "You certainly did. Anandur is a good man. I still have to find my truelove mate, but given my many failures, I doubt that's in the cards for me."
"I'm sure it is. You've suffered enough, Esag, and you've made many sacrifices. The Fates will reward that."
For some reason, that made him think of Tula and the anger in her eyes.
"Is there any chance you can impart all that wisdom to your sister when she gets to the village? I don't want her hating me."
Wonder nodded. "I'll try, but Tula was always stubborn, and I doubt she's changed much in five thousand years. It's just who she is."
"I remember." He sighed. "She was always so feisty, so contrary. She was impulsive and adventurous like Annani, just without the heart."
Wonder narrowed her emerald eyes at him. "Are you calling my sister heartless?"
"I wouldn't dare." He put a hand over his chest in mock horror. "Tula has a good heart, but she's judgmental and she is the queen of holding grudges."
"That she is," Wonder agreed. "When she gets to the village, I will have enough on my hands just consoling her over the loss of Tony and her other friends. After I bring her to some sort of equilibrium, I'll try to convince her to give you another chance."
"Thank you." He dipped his head. "I appreciate that."
"What else did she say? Did she give you any clues about how we should go about rescuing her?"
Esag shook his head. "She talked about regret and about disappointing people, about carrying guilt, and she was impressed by my carvings, or at least she noticed them. I told her that I carve the people I've lost. That was my way of honoring them, trying to make amends in some way. I told her that I keep disappointing people."
"You do not."
"Yes, I do. Annani wanted me to find Khiann through my carvings and visions, but despite all the effort I put into carving him in every pose I remember, I've gotten no visions."
"You got a vision of Tula."
"I did, but how is that helpful?"
"Esag." Wonder waited until he looked into her eyes. "You didn't cause this situation. Navuh did. The Brotherhood did. The circumstances that led to Tula's pregnancy did. All you did was relay information. That's not something to feel guilty about."
"I know that. But I didn't provide anything useful to anyone. You had to get confirmation from Areana anyway."
"You gave us a warning, which diminished the shock. Stop borrowing guilt that isn't yours. You've carried enough of it for five lifetimes."
