Page 109 of From Ice to Grace
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins, and blot out my iniquities,
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Tears blur my vision from the rest of the Psalm. I look up, knowing that beyond the ceiling is a starry night sky, and beyond that…is the feet of my King as He sits on the throne, looking over all of us.
I picture him with His feet resting on a sea of glass, His eternal glory filling every corner of the universe, His light blinding and cleansing. Hebrews 4:16 echoes in my mind.
‘Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.’
I close my eyes and see myself kneeling at His feet in His throne room.
“Father, I haven’t been seeking You or spending time with You the way that I should have…” I start, the words coming out in a whisper. “After what happened with Axel…I guess I blamed You. I turned away because I was scared that You’d be angry with me for the choices I made. Maybe I needed You to be angry, because I knew I wasn’t doing the right thing in Your eyes. I’ve been angry at myself for a long time now and I didn’t want to face the disappointment. But it’s been stealing my peace…and I can’t go on like this any more.”
My eyes fill with tears, some of them spilling over my cheeks. I wipe at them, as I try to claw the guilt from my heart and leave it at my Father’s feet. I know He doesn’t want me to feel guilt or shame, but I do. I want to do right by Him. I don’t want to excuse my actions under the guise of grace. I’ve never believed that it works that way.
“I’ve made such a mess of the relationships in my life. But if someone can fix it, it’s You. Nobody else. You’re not a God of confusion, You won’t kick me when I’m down. You’ll help me up and point me in the right direction. You’ll redeem my past and You’ll bring me home.”
My entire relationship with Axel plays through my mind in quick succession—his laughter, our promises, and the pain I felt when I found out about his infidelity.
I’m crying for the part of me that believes with all my heart that there’s no such thing as divorce. I’ve always believed that people should fix things, not just walk away. I also believe that when two people come together in intimacy, they are bound together before the eyes of the Lord.
Now, I’ve done all those things.
“We bound ourselves to each other without You. We made decisions without You, and it ended up breaking our relationship. Father, I don’t want to hurt anymore. I ask that You cut the ties we made, I ask that You will cover us in the Blood of Jesus, that You will wash away our sin.”
One day I will have to stand before God and answer for the choices I made in life. But I also know that He loves me, that he’s a God of grace and mercy. My choices will have consequences, but I will also be covered in His love and grace.
“I repent for not bringing it to You then, and even now with Declan. I repent for not asking You if any of this is Your will.”
Tears are flowing freely now, and I grab a tissue from the bedside table as the rest of the words spill from me, tear-soaked, wobbling, but true and heartfelt.
“I can see that You still have a way for things to work out, even when I don’t listen to You. I repent for believing that You don’t want a beautiful marriage for me. I’m Your daughter, and with that I know that You love me and what You want for me. I know You exchange ashes for beauty. But I stopped believing in Your goodness and in Your heart. When I got hurt, I blamed You instead of taking responsibility of my own actions.”
Shaking my head, it’s as if everything is starting to make sense. Clarity hits me.
“I repent for taking matters into my own hands, Father. I did it again with Declan…I tried to fix something I broke. I wanted to fix it in my own strength.”
My throat tightens. “Help me to honor the commitment I made to Declan. Help me to do right by him and to the agreement we made. You see past the signatures and the papers, Father, You see our hearts. If it is Your will, help us be enough for each other. He’s now my husband, Father, He’s Your son. I ask that You will bless him, that You will send Your Holy Spirit to surround him, and to keep him safe. Please, go before him and stand behind him.”
My heart aches giving over control, but it needs to happen. I can’t do life on my own. I need God to lead me, I need His hand over everything. Otherwise there’s no hope or reason.
“Father, if it is Your will, redeem my relationship with Declan. I ask that You take the wheel between us. Lead us, cover us. If it is Your will, let us find each other in a way that is honoring to You.”
I glance down at the Bible in my lap, the words of Psalm 51 calling to me. I’ve always felt that Scripture makes the most beautiful prayers. So I read Psalm 51 out loud, but this time as a prayer to God for forgiveness and mercy.
“Father God, tonight I ask for your mercy, for your grace. I ask that You would wash me from my sin, from my iniquity. My sin is only against You and I ask that You would blot it out, that You would wash me white as snow. Not because I deserve it, but because it’s who You are. Cleanse my heart, Father, and renew in me a steadfast spirit. Don’t take the Holy Spirit from me, Father, but restore in me the joy of Your salvation. I’m here and I’m willing. Uplift me and uphold me, O God of my salvation. You don’t want anything from me, except a heart filled with remorse. Cleanse my heart, Father.”
Opening the drawer of my nightstand, I take out the engagement ring Axel gave to me. Something in me lifts as I look at it. It’s no longer something that pierces…but something I can put away in the past.
“Cleanse my heart, Father,” I repeat again, closing my eyes.
I’m back in the throne room, the sea of glass stretching out before me. I kneel at His feet again, placing the ring, the guilt, the shame, the anger…everything…at the feet of my King. His warm and cleansing light spills over it, flooding every dark corner.
Grace, dear daughter. Grace.
