Page 114 of From Ice to Grace
But now, I’m on the ice again.
In some way it feels like a homecoming, and I know deep down this is where I need to be right now—at this very moment. When I stepped out of our home, leaving Avah alone in our living room, I felt the tug deep within my soul.
It was undeniable and it felt like the right thing to do.
Skating around, I handle the puck, firing it into the back of the net, one after another. But instead of the usual satisfaction and sense of pride…I feel empty.
So I push harder. I skate lines, cutting sharp corners, driving my legs until they burn. The sound of my blades cutting through the ice centers me as I focus on the soft rhythmic click of the puck against my stick as I move up the ice.
Still, there’s nothing.
Nothing but the look on Avah’s face and the sight of her old engagement ring on the counter. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I’ve tried, I followed everyone’s advice.
God should know that I’ve tried.
I found a woman who’s marriage material…I married her. I posed for pictures and changed the headlines. My fine’s paid, my suspension over. I went to church and listened to what the pastor had to say. I prayed…albeit short and clumsy on some abandoned sidewalk, but it should count toward trying, right? I haven’t touched alcohol, or been with a woman.
And still my life is threatening to fall apart. Still it feels like I’m left with nothing, like I’m juggling a dozen fragile uncertainties, and every time I reach for one, another one slips away.
Breathing heavily, frustration burns through me, I fling my stick over the boards with a loud grunt. Not feeling better in the slightest, I bend down and start hurling the pucks against the boards. The sharp clang of them hitting the glass satisfying as it echoes through the empty rink. The glass rattle and groan ominously, but they hold despite the onslaught of frozen pucks, but it holds.
“What do you want from me?!” I bellow out, the words torn from my chest as it echoes through the rafters until the silence that follows is almost deafening.
There’s nothing but the cool air burning through my lungs, the sounds of my ragged breathing in the empty space and the blood pulsing through my veins.
And then…stillness followed by undeniable certainty that I’m not alone in the rink anymore.
God is here. And He’s watching me. Waiting.
Falling onto my knees on the ice, I let the cold seep into my bones.
“Why do You only ever watch?” My voice cracks, raw and uneven. “Why can’t You step in? Why can’t You fix the things I broke, things my dad broke, things everyone broke?!”
The words tear from me and I slam my fist against the ice. Again and again. I feel nothing but cold until I watch drops of blood dripping from where I split the skin.
And yet, I feel nothing.
“I’ve been dragging all of it with me for years,” I whisper, my throat raw. “All of my mistakes, their mistakes. My dad’s drinking, my mom not caring, every word I spoke to hurt others, everything I took and never gave back…all of it. It’s too much.”
The weight of everything I’ve had to carry with me ever since I was a kid is threatening to drown me. It’s weighing me down, squeezing the breath from my lungs, the life from my body.
“I don’t want any of it anymore, please just take it. Take all of it. I need You to take it from me. Stop watching and just take it all!”
The silence following my words feels endless.
Then a deep certainty settles in my soul.
‘And I carried it all for you. You don’t have to carry anything anymore.’
A breeze moves across the ice, slight but unmistakable. I can’t see anyone else in the rink, hear anything else, and for a moment I can’t help but wonder if I imagined the presence. If He was ever really here to begin with.
Then I feel something shift. Not around me, but inside of me. Like a thread inside my chest being pulled taught. Not to hurt me, but to steady me. The weight of my life, decisions, mistakes…it doesn’t disappear, it just shifts. It’s not mine to carry anymore.
“What’s happening to me?” I murmur.
Putting my hands out in front of me, I watch them shaking, feeling like I’ve left my body, watching myself in a heap on the ice. The coldness inside of me begins to melt and something warm spreads inside of me.
I drop my head and the tears spill freely from my eyes. For the first time in my life, I’m not holding on so tightly it feels like I might die.
