Page 68 of From Ice to Grace
“I’m allowed to think this is weird,” he says. “Doesn’t mean I’m backing out.”
Relief fills me. “Great, then I reserve the right to feel the same.”
“So tomorrow then?” he asks. “Nine too early?”
“I actually have a job, you know. Or at least I do for one more week, so breakfast won’t work.”
“Lunch then? We have to do something public before…” he swallows. “You know before we actually get married. The sooner the better.”
This will be our first public appearance as a couple. We’d have to sell it to make it seem like we’re in love…at least for the time it takes to snap a few photos that could be leaked to the media. Lunch or breakfast might not be enough.
“I actually have an idea that might work,” I say, pulling open the drawer where I stashed the gift certificate Vivienne gave me when she delivered the news of my expiring visa. “How about dinner? At Cinzano’s?”
He chuckles. “Go big or go home, right?”
“Literally the case,” I say, taking another big bite of ice-cream. “I’ll send you the details.”
“See you tomorrow, Snowflake.”
My mind is reeling as I get into bed.
I made it to the end of the weekend…with a fiancé, a dinner date, and a court date set for the next two days.
Grabbing my Bible off my night stand, I cling to it.
“Father, I’m lost,” I mumble, tears burning the backs of my eyes. “I feel like I’ve failed you, like I’ve failed me. I know you want me to forgive, to extend grace…but I don’t know how. I can’t go back home.”
My heart aches knowing that I might be doing the wrong thing. But right now, the wrong thing is the only thing I think I can live with. I’ve been justifying my decision to marry Declan in so many ways.
This is still a marriage.
We’ll be making vows.
We’ll stay faithful.
We’ll be committed to each other.
This is me helping him. And there’s no denying the fact that Declan needs help.
There are so many people who got married in history and in the Bible who didn’t marry for love…God was still with them. I know I can’t be Declan’s savior, and he can’t be mine…but does that mean we can’t use each other to live to fight another day?
Does that mean I should knowingly head in the wrong direction?
Does that mean my Heavenly Father will leave me behind?
Wiping at the tears that flow down my cheeks, I rebuke the thoughts inside my head. The thoughts of guilt and shame…those thoughts that tell me to leave the Bible on the night stand because there’s no use in reading it when I’m going against God.
Those aren’t thoughts from my Father.
Guilt and shame isn’t from Him. The enemy will use those thoughts to keep me away from seeking Him.
Opening up the Bible, I turn to 1 Peter 5. Verse 10 gives me hope for grace…
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
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DECLAN
