Page 12 of From Ice to Grace
“You can work here too,” she says finally. “Perhaps now is the right time to come back home.”
For a second, I let her words set in. I know she means well, but I can’t see myself going back. I need to move forward…however that may look.
“Why?” I ask. “I’ve got nothing there waiting for me. God wouldn’t have given me this opportunity if there wasn’t a reason.”
My mom and dad have always helped us grow in our faith, they’ve helped us see God’s Hand in our lives when we couldn’t. That’s why I know He gave me a chance to get out of Sweden, and nothing and no one will be able to convince me otherwise.
“God works in many ways. And His ways are complicated and intricate, Avah, because He sees things we cannot. If you feel like you can’t come home because of what happened, then you have things you need to resolve.”
“Is that what I need, Mom?” I ask, my voice barely steady. “How do you think I should resolve my life falling apart? How do I resolve the fact that my fiancé thought I wasn’t enough? Just give me the steps and I’ll follow them. Tell me how to face him after everything, because I don’t know. And until I do, I don’t see how going back is going to help me.”
I dig into the ice-cream, the contents splashing on the counter as I fight back tears. This is not how I wanted to spend my day. I wanted to forget, to ignore…not dig into the mess that is my life.
She sighs. “You just have to be patient. Axel wasn’t meant for you, and you should move on. Facing him is the first step?—”
“Mom, I appreciate your concern and your advice,” I say, cutting her off but keeping my voice filled with love. Or at least trying to. “But I’ve got this. I just have a few things to figure out. I’m not done here yet, I know that. There are a few options I want to explore. I’ll let you know as soon as I have the definitives. All right?”
There’s another beat of silence before she sighs. “All right. But Avah? You know I love you, right? And that you can always come back home?”
My chest tightens, my heart aching. I haven’t seen my mom in a year and I miss her. She’s always been able to offer comfort and advice when I struggled with something. But after things blew up with Axel, I haven’t given anybody in my life the chance to offer me comfort. I just left, determined to move on and forget about everything. Unfortunately, that meant leaving behind not only Axel, but also my family.
“I know mom,” I say, grabbing a paper towel to clean up the mess I made on my kitchen counter. “But this is something I have to do.”
There will come a day when I have to face Axel, but it won’t be now. I can’t even picture what it would be like to see him again…I don’t even want to think about it.
“And God loves you too. Don’t forget that. Ever.” Her voice is firm. “Nobody will ever be able to change that, not you, not Axel…and not the mistakes you’ve made.”
Does my mom know what happened between me and Axel?
That I gave him more than I should?
“I won’t, Mom.” I take another bite, letting her words sink in. I know it’s true. I know God will forgive me if I come to Him with a repentant heart.
And I’ve done that.
“You might not want to hear this right now, my girl,” she continues gently, “but I’m going to say it anyway.”
She takes a deep breath, and I brace myself for the words to come.
“God calls us to forgive. And unless we forgive, we will not be forgiven. We can’t expect grace if we can’t extend it to others. God is our Judge. And as difficult as it may be to accept, you have to forgive Axel…and mean it. He’ll face God one day, just like you will.”
My chest tightens, the weight of her words and the fear of the Lord gripping my heart. It’s so easy to cling to the grace and mercy part of believing in Jesus. That we will be saved and forgiven and have a place in Heaven one day. Forgiveness is a big thing…it’s something we need to do. It’s not that forgiveness will earn us salvation, but rather that our saved nature is supposed to reflect onto others.
My heart should be willing to forgive Axel.
To some it’s simple, to others it’s the hardest thing to do.
I, unfortunately, fall in the latter group.
“Forgiveness is difficult, Mom,” I stir the ice-cream and take another small bite, the taste of chocolate and rootbeer not as soothing as it usually is. “But I believe that God is still working on this with me.”
“I know He is,” my mom says. “I’ll keep praying for you. For both of you.”
“Thanks,” I say, brushing away a tear that escaped. “Call you when I have more details?”
“Sure, my girl. I love you.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
