Page 110 of From Ice to Grace
The words echo through the vastness, through every part of my being as mercy wraps around me. When I finally open my eyes, the room feels lighter. The ring rests on the table beside my Bible, and my heart finally feels clean.
23
DECLAN
“You’ve shown improvement,” Harry says from behind his desk. “I think the suspension did you good.”
Early this morning, Harry sent me a text to meet him in his office before practice. I’m glad he called me in, because I was thinking of coming to see him anyway. The last time we spoke, it was right after the incident, and I need to set things right with him and with Coach.
I nod, giving him a smile. “It did what it was supposed to,” I tell him simply.
I’m definitely not going to tell him that it was more than the suspension. I’m very certain that Avah was the changing factor these past two weeks…or maybe a catalyst of sorts. Two weeks isn’t that long, but she’s already had an influence on who I am sitting here now. Maybe, it’s been longer than that…but I’m not ready to admit that out loud.
“So you’re ready to send the other guy home?” I ask instead.
Maybe it’s selfish, but I’m ready for Boqvist to move on to a different city, different team…maybe even a different country. If he’s such a great player, he can fit into any team in the NHL. I’m not going to deny the guy his chance to move up in the leagues. But why make things difficult for everyone involved.
I don’t want to share the ice with him any more than I want Avah to have to bump into him on practice or game days.
Harry cocks his head and takes a sip of his coffee. “I’m still deciding.”
“What?” Frustration moves through me and I sit on the edge of my seat. “You’re not serious, Harry?”
“Why?” he asks, leaning forward too, daring me to challenge him. “You think I have to throw away the future of my team because you managed to behave for two weeks?”
When he says it like that it hits differently. It feels like more than that. It feels like a shift in my life, a shift in the right direction. Not just a temporary behavior change…but rather something that can last if it’s handled right.
“Harry, it’s more than that,” I say, hoping he can hear the conviction in my voice.
“Maybe to you.” He sighs, tugging on his tie, digging his finger into his collar to loosen it. “Listen kid, this isn’t me trying to hurt you, or take something from you. I told you before, my first priority is this team. Axel Boqvist has been good for this team, and his try-out deserves serious consideration.”
I run my hand through my hair. If Boqvist stays it affects more than just my spot on the roster, it affects her.
She’s done with him, and wants to move on. I believe her.
That doesn’t mean she should have to see the man who betrayed her. It doesn’t mean that we have to make space for him in our lives.
Knowing that my inability to stay in control is the reason he’s here in the first place leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Bitterness that’s difficult to swallow.
As for Avah…we haven’t decided what we want to be yet. There’s no denying the shift between us, but it’s new and fragile. And real, very real—she made it clear last night. But she could very well decide she wants to forgive Boqvist and go back to him.
She’s that good a person.
“Okay, I get that,” I tell Harry, wiping my hands on my pants, hating that I have to ask this next question. “But what if there’s a reason I can’t play on the same team as Boqvist?”
Harry narrows his eyes. “What reason? Is it personal?”
I nod once.
“Then you leave your personal lives outside my rink, Murphy. This is the NHL. Not high school.”
What if I can’t… He must see the question on my face, the question I don’t ask out loud, because I have a feeling what Harry’s answer will be and I’m not going to like it.
“I can see your mind working…and I can already tell you. This is the New York Rangers. It’s not the Murphy and Boqvist show. Sort it out, or I’ll have to consider taking matters into my own hands.”
The air leaves my lungs as I stare at Harry. Disbelief moves through me. I’ve done what he asked me to do…I even got married to keep my spot on this team.
Still, it isn’t enough.
