Page 112 of From Ice to Grace
“Why?” I manage, my voice low. “I need you, Avah.”
Desire sparks in her eyes, her gaze traveling over my face before she slowly shakes her head.
“We can’t,” she says softly.
“Why not?” I ask, unable to keep frustration from creeping into my voice.
“Because I can’t rush into this, Declan. I still have to?—”
“Still have to what?” I ask, suddenly feeling defensive. Is she choosing him too? “Get over Boqvist?”
She shakes her head, stepping away from me, leaving my arms feeling empty and cold.
“You’re not being fair,” she says, her voice filled with hurt. “We have an agreement. And now things are changing. I can’t just dive into it before we discuss this properly. We have to be honest with each other.”
“Yes, so please,” I say, the words coming out rough. “Be honest with me. What are you going to do now that he’s maybe staying in New York? Now that he might be a Ranger and you’d have to see him all the time? Because you married me to get away from him. And now our marriage, this agreement, will do the exact opposite of what you intended in the first place. Is it wrong of me to assume that you might want out?”
Her eyes search mine, like she hasn’t really thought about it. Not all the way through.
“We said at least two years,” she says, her voice too quiet and uncertain.
Laughter bubbles from my lips. She’s slipping away from me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
“I don’t have anything else to offer you, Avah!” I say, my voice loud and harsh. “This is it. Binding yourself to me should’ve helped you, and now it doesn’t anymore. All that’s left is this,” I say, gesturing toward myself. “There’s nothing else I can give you.”
“No,” she says, shaking her head and turning away from me. “No.”
“It’s true!” I run my hands through my hair. “If you’re not staying for me, then why are you even doing this? Why wear the ring and go through with the paperwork if you’re not staying for me?”
She spins around, her anger flaring up and meeting mine. “So staying for you, means I have to sleep with you?”
“That’s not what I said,” I bite back quick.
“Oh yes, it is.” She points her finger at me. “There’s so much more to you than that, Declan. You’re more than just what you can give someone. You’re more than just someone to warm my bed at night.”
I shake my head, not sure how to deal with the truth she’s shoving in my face. I’m not sure I believe it.
“Perhaps all the other women who wore your jersey used you the same way you used them, but that’s not what this agreement is about. It’s never been about that.”
“Well perhaps that was our mistake.” My voice sounds cold and detached, even to my own ears. “Maybe if we kept things simple, we wouldn’t be standing here right now.”
She steps closer, placing her hands on either side of my face, her hands rubbing along the scruff of my jaw. She forces me to look at her, to look into her blue eyes.
“Declan,” she says softly, her thumbs brushing against my jaw. “This thing between us isn’t nothing.”
But I’m struggling to believe it. I’m struggling to let myself believe it. Besides, the man she wants, the husband she described…I don’t have it in me to be that man.
“I’m not perfect?—”
“And neither am I,” she cuts in firmly. “None of us are, we’ll never be perfect. There’s only One who’s perfect and He loves us enough to be with us through the struggles. The point is that we struggle, that we wrestle. We don’t give up, we don’t give in to the demons, Declan. And you’re the strongest fighter I’ve ever seen.”
Her words ring true…and a part of me doesn’t want to hear it. I’ve been fighting against the darkness for a long time. I’ve even let it consume me a time or two. It’s just easier that way.
“Listen to me,” she says, her voice filled with conviction. “You’re kind and loyal?—”
I shake my head. “No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. To those that are in your life, you are. You work hard, you have ambition and drive and passion.” She searches my eyes, pleading with me to see what she sees. “You’ve been here for me in a way that no-one else could’ve been. You’ve given me what I needed.”
