Page 116 of From Ice to Grace
I chuckle, walking past him to the bathroom. While getting the kit and cleaning up the cut on my hand, I can’t help but see God’s hand in my life in the form of my teammates. I didn’t appreciate their input over the years, but now I can see that they have kept me from making massive mistakes. But even that couldn’t keep the darkness at bay. Besides, it’s not their job to babysit me. At some point, I have to learn to not walk on the edge or I’ll fall into the abyss.
God placed me with a team with good people, with His people. I could’ve been surrounded by teammates who encouraged me in my demise, and I’m sure I would’ve been in the exact spot my dad is in right now. Or maybe even worse.
Heading back out, I find EJ sitting on the couch, his phone in his hand.
“Should I tell my sister you’re safe?” he asks. “Or are you already tired of this charade of a marriage? Is that why you’re here in the middle of the night? Bleeding?”
He’s trying to stay calm, but the underlying anger in his voice is clear cut. He’s thinking the worst. And I’ve never really given him a reason to do otherwise.
I sigh and head to the couch opposite him. “I guess I deserve that.”
“What’s going on, Dec?” he asks. “Is Avah alright?”
There’s nothing wrong with her. I’m the one with major issues.
“She’s fine,” I say, knowing that Avah might be upset by the things that happen in her life, but she’s strong where it matters. And that will allow her to always come back stronger. “She’s at home. But feel free to send her a text and find out.”
EJ looks at me for a second, before firing off a quick text and setting his phone down next to him.
“I’m choosing to believe you,” he says. “But I did let her know you’re here.”
I nod, thinking that maybe I should’ve done that. She’d be worried, even if she’s mad or disappointed.
“I went to the rink tonight,” I tell him. “In the meeting with Harry this morning, he told me that Boqvist might stay. It got to me and I took that feeling home. We had a fight,” I say, a small chuckle escaping my lips at my description. “Or more of a disagreement, I guess. We were fighting a lot more before we got married.”
Glancing at my fingers, I look at my own empty left hand. Avah’s wearing the ring I got her, but she’s never gotten me a ring. Perhaps that’s telling in its own way.
“And you came here?” EJ asks, scratching at his jaw. “Instead of going to a bar?”
I shrug. “I guess it didn’t cross my mind. I went to the rink first, and there…” I trail off, running my hand through my hair. “Well, I’m here now.”
I don’t know how to tell him about my encounter with God. I don’t know if I should. It feels deeply personal and yet, I know there will come a day when I will tell others, when He will want me to tell others.
But for now…I need to see where He’s leading me first.
“Listen, Dec,” EJ says, his gaze narrows as he studies me. “Don’t take this the wrong way…”
His words have me sighing and leaning back on the couch. “I came here because I knew you’d give it to me straight, so please…” I gesture for him to go on.
A mirthless laugh escapes him. “You’ve been my teammate for almost four years now. We’re together for most of the year, practice, on the road…all of it. Never, not once, have you showed up at my doorstep. Not mine, not Lucas’s…never. You’ve always kept us at arms length.”
I guess that’s true. I’ve always thought of them as my teammates first. Perhaps it’s part of my damage, my broken view on relationships.
“Are you telling me to leave then?” I ask, only half joking and hoping to God it’s not what he’s saying.
He shakes his head. “I’m saying I’m glad you’re here. This is how it’s supposed to be.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “And if this change has anything to do with you marrying my sister, I can’t say I’m sorry about it.”
I look up at EJ, finding sincerity on his features. I didn’t realize how much I’ve been missing in my life by closing myself off completely. It wasn’t always a conscious decision, but it happened none the less. Back at the rink, the warmth that spread through my entire body…the love and grace I felt…I want more of that.
“I want her EJ. I want to be with her for real,” I say, my voice steady and firm. “I didn’t do it right the first time, I’ve never done it right. But with her…I want to try.”
He doesn’t say anything, his breathing growing quieter as he studies me. Then, “Why are you telling me and not her?” he asks, his question making me pause.
It feels like the answer is obvious, but to have to put it into words feels like the most difficult thing to do. I’ve never seen this modeled for me. No one showed me how to love and honor a woman the right way, but I do know it starts with this. It doesn’t matter how idiotic I feel, because this isn’t about my pride or what I want. This is about her.
“Because she deserves someone to do right by her,” I say simply. “She’s special and beautiful and perfect, even if she doesn’t think so. If you think I’m not good enough for her, then you tell me and I’ll back off.”
EJ exhales, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “You’re not good enough for her,” he says with a grin.
