Page 17 of From Ice to Grace
I sigh, looking out the window in a bid to hide my face from him. I don’t want to tell him that I’ve basically lost everything. A year ago he saved me, stepped in with a place to stay when I told him I’m coming to New York. Without question, he was there to help me pick up the pieces Axel left behind. But none of this is his to fix, although if you ask him, I’m sure he’ll tell you differently.
Axel was his best friend first, and now, they’re on the outs. Something I appreciate, but on the other side, Axel’s actions hurt more than just me. He hurt my family and his life-long friend in the process. I have no idea how EJ would’ve reacted if he were still in Stockholm when it happened. I’m thankful to God that he was in a whole different country. Knowing my brother and his protective streak over me, he would’ve done something that could’ve cost him his career.
No, I’ve taken up too much space in EJ’s life, and I can’t keep doing it.
“It’s nothing,” I say, reaching toward the archaic radio and turning the knob a little louder. “This is good, who’s this again?” I ask, trying and failing to pretend to like Def Leopard.
“You’re not fooling me, Aves,” he says, turning down the music again. “You hate them.”
“I don’t hate them,” I defend, watching as his brow quirks accentuate the scar above his eye, daring me to prove him wrong. “I just don’t get why you have to listen to dead people singing along to their instruments.”
“They’re not dead,” he says with a laugh, the look on his face like I just attacked his goalie. “You just don’t know a good thing when you see it.”
Maybe he’s right there. I’ve had an entire year in New York. A good opportunity to build more relationships, to find a different job and a different apartment. I had an entire year to cement my place here…and yet after all this time I’m finding myself with nothing.
Again.
“So,” I ask, wanting to steer the conversation away from me, my troubles, or my taste in anything. “Why are we having dinner with Lucas and Hannah? Special occasion?”
He looks at me, a knowing look on his face. We may as well have been twins. We look so much alike and with only eighteen months between us, we grew up as close as twins would. I’m pretty sure we started talking at the same time too. Mom used to joke that EJ waited for me with most things. Talking, getting off diapers and even riding a bike. I sped up on my milestones while he happily waited for me so we could reach them together.
So I can’t have that anymore. EJ needs to live his life.
“I’m here for you, you know?” he says, reaching over and squeezing my hand.
“Yeah, I know.”
His mouth twitches a little and he looks out the window as we turn off the main road heading to Westchester.
“You know I haven’t used my big brother privilege to set Axel straight yet.”
“There’s no such thing.”
“No such—” he says, frowning at me. “Come on, you know I have the right to at least break his nose.”
His words may have started out teasingly, but it’s quickly turning into something else. Talking about Axel just isn’t easy. I don’t want to go into details and I certainly don’t want to relive my mistakes over and over again. It’s a sore subject, both of us sitting with too much anger and resentment to handle this.
“And that’s at the very least,” he adds when I don’t say anything.
I sigh. “EJ, it doesn’t matter. It’s in the past.”
He lets out a mirthless laugh, his fingers tightening on the steering wheel.
“Avah, you never want to talk about it. You don’t want to discuss exactly what happened. You don’t want me to call him, or break his face?—”
“Exactly,” I cut him off. “There’s no reason to discuss it, or to talk to anyone about anything, EJ. It’s in the past. And no amount of talking or nose breaking is going to fix what happened. Nothing anyone can do, will be able to erase what happened. So that’s why I just want to shut up about it. Is that so hard to understand?”
There’s a few minutes of silence after my very mature rant. I dare a glance at my brother, whose jaw is still tight, his knuckles still white as he stares at the road in front of him.
“Yes, because I don’t get it. You’ve been here for a year now, Aves. Everytime I try to talk to you, or try to help you, you shut me down. Hannah is the first person you’ve actually reached out to and that’s saying a lot since you’ve been at almost all the games and social events.”
I turn to him, his words cutting into my heart.
“So what?” I ask. “I’m dealing with this how I need to?—”
“You’re not dealing with anything, Avah!”
His words land…hard. I know he’s right. I hate that he’s right, that I can’t deny it. I don’t want to face anything. I want to run away and hide. I want to erase everything that happened, everything I felt and are still feeling. I’ve been shutting the door on my feelings and it’s starting to leak through the cracks.
