Page 20 of From Ice to Grace
I really do need help.
“What happened?” she asks carefully, turning to the drawer and taking out tongs for the salad. “Or do you not want to talk about it?”
“It’s fine, I guess,” I say, looking up at her. “We all grew up together, Axel and EJ played hockey together and we’ve been in each other’s circles for as long as I can remember. It was easy to be with him, you know?”
Hannah smiles knowingly. “Axel was always around the house, at our dinner table, in my brother’s room—it was weird not to see one without the other. Which means he was present for most of my life. He knew me like nobody else did—or at least that’s what I thought.”
Hannah narrows her gaze. “Why do you think things fell apart?”
I shrug, swirling the peppermint tea in the cup. “I’ve thought about it over and over again. Everything was perfect between us, and then EJ moved to New York. Axel still played for a great team in the SHL, but something changed. I don’t know—maybe when EJ left there was no real reason for us to be together anymore. Which is just wrong. I remember him getting more distant. I couldn’t get a hold of him all the time, he was fine with me missing games and didn’t always want me to go along. I thought we just needed to get into a new rhythm, one that didn’t include EJ…but by that time, I guess he was already including other people.”
I look up at her, fighting back tears. “I walked in on him with one of his fangirls,” I say, my voice soft as the image pops up in front of me again…his jersey, her giggles, the way he didn’t even notice me standing there.
Hannah’s hand flies up to her mouth. “I’m so sorry you had to go through something like that. That’s absolutely horrible.”
I’ve struggled with that image for so long, it’s been haunting my dreams. A part of me broke when I saw that. After years of waiting, we had started our physical relationship when we got engaged. I wanted to wait until we got married but when we got engaged…I figured this was a step we could take together as a couple who’s about to commit to each other for life. It felt like the right time.
But seeing him in that locker room…the betrayal cut so deep it feels like it won’t ever properly heal.
I’ve asked for God’s forgiveness so many times. Sometimes my prayers sound hollow, other times I can almost feel His love and forgiveness flooding me. Then there are times where guilt and shame creep back in, leaving me to think that I never really had His forgiveness to begin with. I don’t know if it even means anything anymore.
“Don’t tell EJ,” I tell Hannah, unable to meet her gaze. My throat feels dry, my eyes burning just thinking about the humiliation I felt at that moment.
“He doesn’t know about Axel?” she asks, reaching over the counter and squeezing my hand. “About what he did?”
“No, of course he knows,” I say. “Well, he knows the gist of it. But I mean about the visa.”
“Avah—”
“I’ll tell him myself when I’m ready. I need to figure this out on my own. I can’t have him rescue me all the time.”
She eyes me wearily. “You know he loves you and will do anything for you, right?”
“That’s exactly the problem, Han.” Getting up, I take the bowl of salad from her and walk to the dining room table. “He’s done so much for me already. Axel was his best friend, his teammate, and because of me, he lost that person in his life.”
“It’s not because of you, Avah, it’s because of Axel that he lost him.”
“But if I hadn’t…”
“No,” Hannah says, getting plates and cutlery from the cabinets and setting them on the table with a loud clack. “I get feeling guilty, really I do. I’ve sat with guilt myself about the decisions I’ve made in the past. I’ve struggled with forgiving myself when God has already forgiven me. But this isn’t on you, Avah.”
She starts to make her way around the table, her eyes not leaving mine as she sets the table.
“You’ll have to forgive Axel on your own time, that will be something you figure out with God. But EJ losing his best friend? That’s not your fault, your blame to carry. That’s between the two of them.”
I swallow. I’ve wanted to take that on me too, because I know my brother hasn’t completely dealt with this. He hasn’t seen or spoken to Axel ever since it happened…that I know of. We also haven’t really talked about it. For a year, it’s been moved to the side, because it’s easier to just pretend that nobody dropped a bomb on your life.
“So, you’ll keep this a secret?” I ask, needing to know that I have one less thing to worry about.
Hannah sighs, walking around the table before pulling me in for a hug. “Of course I will, until you’re ready to tell him. I hope there’s something you can figure out in the meantime. You’re the first friend I’ve made here, and if you leave…”
“I know,” I say, hugging her back. “In the end I’ll probably have to go back. But I’m hoping that somehow God will intervene the same way He did before. Unless…he gave me this chance and I blew it.”
Hannah smiles. “Maybe that’s true. But I know that God doesn’t just give you one chance. The next opportunity might not look the same as the first one, but another opportunity will come along.”
Please, God, let this be a message from You. I need this to be true.
“Why don’t you come with us to church on Sunday?” Hannah asks as we make our way back to the kitchen. “We found a place that we actually like. Maybe there’s a message for you on how to move forward. If you’re looking for answers, God’s the only One who has them, Avah.”
