Page 23 of From Ice to Grace
He shrugs. “I don’t know. When we got in, I went to bed. It was three a.m., I was sawing rafters, not watching my housemate.”
“He doesn’t need to watch me, I’m a grown man,” I say defensively. If they’re going to start having Lindgren babysit me, then I’ll have to kick him out of the house.
EJ scoffs before leaning back in his chair.
“Listen Dec,” Lucas says, taking off two steaks before tending to the others. “We’re just concerned here, that’s all. You know we’re a team. If one of us is on the outs, it influences all of us.”
“As if you haven’t cost us a game because your head was in the clouds,” I toss back. “And that wasn’t even a start of the season game, it was a final series game.”
“Exactly,” he says without pause. “Which makes me an expert, don’t you think?”
I sigh. Leaning back in my chair and looking up at the way the smoke from the grill is twirling into the dark night. It’s quiet out here, much more than in the city. I like the city more…the noise on the outside sometimes does a good job of drowning out the noise on the inside. Out here, there’s nothing to do but listen to the war inside of you.
“I had a couple of drinks when I got home last night,” I said. “Must’ve been the flight, or the game, or just being tired, that it got to me the way it did.”
“Or the fact that you thought it a good idea to drink when you have practice a few hours later. It wasn’t just two or three,” EJ says. I look up at him, his blue eyes pinning me to my chair.
“Let’s not pretend like you care about my drinking, Johansson,” I say, crossing my arms. “The only reason you’re ripping me a new one is because I dared to talk to your sister after the game.”
EJ’s jaw hardens.
“Come on, that’s not cool,” Lindgren says, slapping me on the shoulder. “We all know there’s no going for someone’s sister, or their girl.”
“Agreed,” Nikolai practically growls. I don’t miss the look Lucas gives him, before returning to the steaks.
“Dec,” Lucas says, his voice a bit louder than the rest, almost canceling out the budding issue. “We all know you. And as much as you try to make light of it, we know when you’re dancing on the edge. You’ve wanted our help to pull you back, many times before, even if you don’t want to admit it.”
I sigh, unable to meet their eyes. They’re right. I know they are. It doesn’t mean I want to give them the satisfaction. Yes, I had a hard two days, but it’s over and done with now.
“I’m fine, guys,” I say, giving them a smile. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
Their silence says everything. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve always been angry—growing up the way I did, I had reason to be angry at everything and everyone. But hockey gave me a purpose, an outlet, and I clung to that with everything I have.
But now it’s like the anger is too much for hockey to contain.
Lately, everything has just been fanning the flames constantly and I’m not sure how to keep it at bay before it spreads like wildfire.
“I’ll see you guys inside,” I say, making a point of grabbing another bottle of water before heading into the house.
Heading for the guest bathroom, my mind is warring between fighting back and letting my teammates in—letting them help me.
I came here tonight to make things right between us because I want things to go back to the way they were last season. I want to feel like they’ve got my back on the ice, and to assure them what happened this morning won't happen again. Because despite how much they might irritate me at times, I know they have my best interests at heart.
Mine and the team’s. It’s a team culture I haven’t found in any other city and I hate that I’ve been jeopardizing my spot here.
Walking past a freshly painted wall filled with wedding photos it just sets in again how everything has changed—and how far removed it is from the life I’m living. Before Lucas got married, we never used much of the house. We grilled on the patio and watched gametapes in the living room. I know for a fact there wasn’t much more than a couch and a bed in the entire house before Hannah moved in and decorated the place. I’ve never done well with families. And now that everyone is moving in that direction, it won’t be long before I’m cast out.
The sudden feeling of loneliness has me gripping the water bottle in my hand. I’m not looking where I’m going when I collide with a flash of platinum and blonde.
When Avah looks up at me it’s hard to miss her red-rimmed eyes and the way she’s wiping her hands on her jeans. Clearly she’s been washing tears from her face.
“Why do I always find you crying in dark corners, Snowflake?” I tease with a smile, fighting the slight unease rising in my chest. “Your life not as perfect and pure as you like to pretend?”
Her gaze narrows as she assesses me. She takes a step back to put more space between us.
“That’s what you think?” she snaps. “That I think I’m perfect?”
“Must be,” I say with a shrug. “Why else look down on others?”
