Page 53 of From Ice to Grace
He gives me a sarcastic smile. “My pleasure. Option two is confessing. We can set you up with a media tour, going on the record to tell everyone that you’ve been struggling with relationships, that this is a low point in your life and reassure them all that you’re on our way up from here.”
The idea of spilling my guts to every single person with a microphone has me shifting around in my seat.
“What’s the third option?” I ask, taking a bite of my bunny food.
“You show them you can commit. You show them that this is just a phase…not a permanent thing. You need to find a girl who is nice?—”
“I swear if someone says the word ‘nice’ one more time.” I run my hand through my hair, tugging at the roots. “I’m really starting to hate that word.”
“I’ll use different words then,” Brady says, through gritted teeth. “Find a girl who is marriage material, one who screams commitment and stability. A woman who makes the sponsors relax and the reporters back off. Make it permanent and sell it to everyone around you.”
“What if I don’t want to get married?!” My voice carries over the coffee shop, more than a few people turning to look at us.
“I’m not telling you to get married,” Brady says. “Although eventually that would be great—that should be the clear goal. But for right now, just put in effort. Go out to dinner. Do normal couple stuff. Stay out of the clubs, away from the booze, and focus on presenting a steady life to the public. That will allow the organization to have more confidence in you again.”
Looking down at my plate, I let his words settle over me. My pride is telling me to fight against this, to do what I’ve always done, because there’s nothing wrong with the way I’ve been living my life.
But I can’t ignore what’s been happening.
My choices have always worked for me, but somehow they’ve started to work against me. And if I’m not careful, I could lose my hockey career.
It’s the only thing that’s ever mattered.
I’m going to have to fight for it. Which means doing whatever it takes.
Even dating a woman who’s marriage material.
The only thing that bothers me about that plan is the fact that it will take forever to convince people I’m in it for the long haul. And I don’t exactly have time for people to see I’m sticking to one woman for longer than five months this time.
Which means, logically speaking it would be even better to marry a woman who’s marriage material.
Where am I going to find a woman like that? Not only that, I’ll have to find one who’d be willing to do this with me as a charade, because there’s no way I’m going to actually put in the effort, the time and the energy into a relationship when I have absolutely no intention of seeing it through. No matter how great it would be for my career, that’s just cruel. I won’t put some innocent woman through that, if I can’t give her what she’d be expecting eventually.
True love.
No, this will have to be some sort of an arrangement. Like all the other times. Only this time, it would have to present differently.
Because now, I’m going to give the media and the organization exactly what they want…but on my terms. It’s the only way I’ll even consider it.
12
AVAH
The Scripture that was preached on today is stuck in my mind. After getting coffee started, I take my Bible out and head to the couch to reread the verse from Colossians.
“Bearing graciously with one another, and willingly forgiving each other if one has a cause for complaint against another; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so should you forgive.”
The words struck true this morning. I thought I’d go to church for answers on where to go from here. The last thing I expected was to be reminded that I should forgive…just like God has forgiven me for the choices I made. Or at least I hope He has.
Holding on to the unforgiveness toward Axel is just easier. Even though it hardens my heart, even if it’s festering with pain, resentment, brokenness—it’s easier than forgiving.
What does it say about me that I can’t manage an ounce of forgiveness toward the man even after a year has gone by? After everything we’ve been through, it should be easy to forgive him, because I know him. I’ve known him forever.
But because of that, the pain of his betrayal runs deeper than I can even put into words.
Forgive Axel.
Closing my eyes, I breathe out, hoping some of the hurt will just leave my body.
