Page 57 of From Ice to Grace
“EJ didn’t mention…”
“EJ doesn’t know yet.”
He looks up, tilting his head like he’s trying to figure out what just happened. Well, at least that’s what I think he’s doing, because that’s what I’m doing. I have no idea how I just managed to share something so personal with Declan Murphy.
“Well, I’m sure the next time he comes over, he’ll have some questions. Even someone with a smart mouth like yours couldn’t wrangle an excuse for using cardboard boxes as furniture.”
I shrug, holding the cup of hot coffee between my hands. “I can always tell him I’m donating a few things.”
“Sure,” he says, leaning forward. “Everyone wants to donate a body cake cookbook and half their belongings.”
I let out a soft laugh, taking a sip of my coffee. I have no idea how I’m going to tell EJ and still save face. Maybe I’m not supposed to save face. Which I like even less.
“When do you have to leave?” he asks, his voice quieter. Less teasing.
My gaze meets his, and for the first time since finding out it feels like there’s a real, honest to God chance that I might have to leave.
“Six weeks is all I have,” I say, my breath hitching.
“You don’t want to go,” he says. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the fact that he has now, not once, but twice successfully read what I’m not saying out loud.
Studying him for a second, I try to make out if he’s being sincere. There’s no indication of the contrary. I’ve never seen this side of him. But again, I’ve never been in a position to see it. I’ve always seen him with a woman pasted to his side. Never alone. Never apologizing. Never just…Declan.
“No, I don’t want to go back,” I say, watching as his gaze softens as he takes a sip of his coffee.
“Then why are you going then? Seems stupid to do something you don’t want to do.”
I can’t resist rolling my eyes at him.
“Yes, well, the American government doesn’t really care about how I feel about moving right now.”
“Ah,” he says, a clear smile in his voice. “Well, there are ways to get around that if you’re really desperate to stay.”
Am I desperate to stay? Yes.
Am I willing to do anything to not have to go back and face Axel in six weeks? Yes.
Did the pastor preach on forgiveness, and grace, and letting the hardness in our hearts go?
Also yes.
But as much as I know the right thing would be to follow the road of forgiveness, it’s difficult and complicated. Instead of facing Axel, I ran away. The entire year I’ve been here, I haven’t really allowed myself to think about what happened, I haven’t allowed myself to even consider what forgiveness might look like. Because trying to forgive Axel means I have to face my entire relationship. It means I have to face the decisions I made, the mistakes I made. I would have to analyze why everything went wrong, why I continued to give myself to a man who was giving himself to different women behind my back. I would have to start thinking about why God let something like this happen to me.
Was it because I messed up? Because I made the wrong decisions? Was all of this punishment? Or is this all part of some bigger plan, and pain is just part of the process?
I’ve always thought I’m on the right track. I found the guy, we made the commitment and we’re heading into a sure and steady future…and then everything fell apart.
Being that blind…it’s not who I am.
And that scares me.
“Avah?” Declan asks, his hand suddenly on my arm.
His nearness startles me, his sharp eyes studying me carefully.
“Sorry, I was just thinking about what you said,” I say, looking up at him, wondering if I’m reading his slight concern right. “Getting around the whole visa thing.”
“You could marry a stranger off Craigslist. Or I’m sure you’ll be able to bag an old guy off Wallstreet.” His eyes move across my face, my hair, before moving further down. He swallows and frowns. “Someone will definitely pick you up in a few seconds flat.”
