Page 64 of From Ice to Grace
AVAH
This morning, the last person I wanted to see was my brother.
That changed the moment I signed my name on the makeshift contract I drew up with Declan Murphy. I need my older brother to know what’s happening, plus I’m sure he’s been looking for his phone.
There’s a nudge in my heart, a pull from God, a tug prompting me to consult Him, to ask Him if I’m doing the right thing marrying Declan…to pray and share my heart with Him.
But I don’t answer.
I don’t know what to tell Him. Not yet, anyway. Right now, this agreement with Declan is my own choice. A choice I made by myself because I can’t seem to just forgive and forget and move back to Sweden.
God knows me…right? He knows I’m not a liar, He knows how I feel about marriage.
It’s just that it doesn’t seem that marriage feels that way about me.
The man I was supposed to marry, broke my heart. And the man I’m about to marry, can’t have my heart.
Is God not sovereign? Is His hand in this right now?
Or is this me going at it alone, because I made this decision.
Knocking on EJ’s door, I try to calm my thoughts. Somehow I know I won’t be able to go through with this marriage if I can’t convince EJ that it’s the best option.
“I’m sorry about the way I acted,” he says, answering the door in his sweats, his blonde hair standing on end as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. “Please forgive me,” he says looking down at my hands. “And thanks for my phone.”
“You know it’s only five pm right? Why are you asleep?” I ask, stepping into his apartment and pressing his phone to his chest.
“Last night went on a little longer than expected.” He closes the door behind me. “Plus we had an extra two hours with our powerplay coach this afternoon. Do you want something to drink?” he asks, moving further into the apartment to grab a Rangers shirt that’s flung over the back of his couch and pulling it over his head.
“No, I’m fine.” I take a seat on his couch, wringing my hands nervously in my lap. “I actually came by to talk to you about something.”
He looks at me from behind the open fridge door. “Is this about the whole visa thing mom told me about?” he asks, grabbing a bottle of water before taking a seat across from me. “Do you need to bring your stuff here while you look for another job?”
His voice is soft, fighting between sounding like he’s talking about the weather and wanting to spare my feelings.
“It’s so great to know that you and mom plan my life behind my back,” I say, fighting the urge to throw something at him.
He rakes his hand through his hair, huffing and shaking his head.
“We didn’t plan anything, Avah. It was just a suggestion. If you want to go back then fine…I just thought…with Axel?—”
“Exactly. Axel.”
That name should be enough to explain the current state of desperation I’m in. Bordering on unhinged…but no matter.
“How does mom know about my visa expiring?” I ask, a frown between my eyes. “I didn’t tell her about it.”
“She’s mom,” he says by way of explanation. “You know she knows everything. I wouldn’t put it past her to memorize the dates and add it to her calendar, or have some reminder go off.”
He’s right. My mom has always been five steps ahead of everyone in life. And it’s all because she’s a control-freak who has lists for everything. In a way I’m sort of glad she knows. That spares me another difficult conversation. But now, she’s definitely expecting me to come back home.
“Well, I’m not going to go back to Sweden,” I say, carefully lifting my gaze to EJ’s. Decision made, I tell him the truth. “I decided to get married instead.”
EJ frowns at me. He leans forward but doesn’t say a word. So, I decide to fill the silence with more facts hoping it will help my case.
“Doing this will give me a green card. I’d be able to stay for as long as I’d like and look for another job in the meantime.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose before narrowing his gaze at me. “I’m sorry…say that again?”
