Page 66 of From Ice to Grace
“EJ, I don’t want to go back.” My voice is soft and desperate as I carefully place the bowl of keys back on the counter. Tears burn my eyes and before I can stop it, they start to spill.
EJ’s features twist, sympathy swimming in his eyes. I point at his face. “And that’s one of the reasons I can’t go back. I can’t stand having everyone else look at me the way you’re looking at me right now.”
He looks down and takes a deep breath. “Avah, you’re my little sister. I hate that you got hurt. I hate that I wasn’t there and that I couldn’t do anything. I hate that I ever considered that man my friend, that I ever let him close to you. If I…”
“If you what, EJ?” I ask him, anger bubbling up inside of me. Again he wants to fight my battles, he wants to step in and save the day. “You couldn’t do anything. This is not on you. This is on Axel and it’s on me. Nobody else.” I sigh. “But it doesn’t matter anymore, because I found a way through this.”
“No, Avah. No.” He shakes his head. “You’re not doing this. You might see a few benefits in this arrangement, but those benefits are tiny in comparison to you maybe getting hurt.”
If he’s worried about that, then this is all a moot point. Because I won’t get hurt. Not with the way it’s set up.
“I’m going into this with a clear head,” I reassure him. “This is an agreement between the two of us. Both of us are getting what we need to get through the storms we’re currently facing. There’s nothing more to it. You know how I feel about Murphy,” I add, hoping it’ll calm his nerves about this.
“Do I?” he tosses back.
I frown. “Of course you do.”
“I thought I did, but you’re standing here, telling me you want to tie yourself to him in a very permanent way. I thought you couldn’t stand him, and now you’re agreeing to be his wife. And it’s not just on paper, Avah, there will be public events where you’ll have to…be his wife.”
I’ve thought about that part. While I wrote down our agreement, while Declan was in my apartment, boxing me in against the counter…I’ve been thinking about it the whole time. Declan has always been the skilled defenseman from Boston, who then became the cheating idiot on my brother’s team.
Now…something has shifted. I’m not sure what or in which direction. All I know is that playing the part of his wife might not be the worst thing in the world.
No, the worst thing in the world would be to face Axel.
I’ll gladly hold Declan’s hand, watch him play hockey games, smile and wave at the cameras if it meant I’d never have to see Axel Boqvist again.
“Listen,” I say, stepping closer to my brother, taking his hands in my own. “You’re my big brother. You’ve been there for me, you’ve protected me, you’ve felt sorry for me?—”
“Avah—”
“But this is my decision. This is me taking my life into my own hands. I can do this. I want to do this. I’m not here to ask your permission. I’m here to let you know what’s going on, because you’re my brother and I don’t want to blindside you. Plus, it would only be for my benefit and Declan’s if it appeared like you supported this marriage.”
He shakes his head, dropping my hands. “That’s asking too much.”
“Why?” I ask.
“I told Declan to stay away from you,” he says, his voice hard. “I told you to stay away from my teammates. And here you both are…”
“It’s an agreement. Nothing more.”
He eyes me carefully. “For how long?”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“For how long would this be an agreement? You’d have to live together, show up together, for all intents and purposes, you’re a couple. For how long would this be only an arrangement before it becomes real?”
“It won’t become real.” I turn away from him.
I didn’t consider that part. We’re going to do this for two years. In that time it’s possible one of us could develop some sort of feelings or attachment to the other.
Is it worth the risk?
“How do you know?” he asks.
“Because Declan doesn’t want real,” I tell him honestly. “And neither do I. I’ve done real with Axel—as real as can be. I can’t go through that again. That’s why this will work.”
I truly believe it. That might be the driving factor behind this whole plan. A real relationship with Declan Murphy is something that will never happen, it’s not something I want. So by tying myself to him, I’m securing a way to stay as well as the space for my heart to heal.
