Page 78 of From Ice to Grace
“And what about peace of heart?” she asks, catching me off guard.
My heart isn’t part of the equation, which is part of the reason I freely entered into this agreement with Declan. It’s safe, it has rules and clear set expectations from both parties.
I can’t answer her, my gaze flicks to EJ in panic, pleading with him to help me.
“Mom, this might feel sudden to you and dad, but Avah’s thought hard about this. Plus, I’ve known Declan for a couple of years now—he’s a good guy.”
EJ clearly means it, but he doesn’t look at me, instead he’s frowning and looking at his hands. This whole ordeal with Axel not only influenced my own trust when it comes to relationships, but also his when it comes to friendships.
“Are you supporting this, EJ?” my mom asks. “We haven’t even met him, Avah. How do we know he’s going to treat you well? How do we know he’ll be a good husband to you?”
I sigh, fighting back tears. How does anyone know any of these things?
“You knew Axel for years, Mom. He sat at our dinner table. Dad gave him permission to marry me. And look how well that turned out.”
“Avah—”
“No, mom,” I interrupt, tired of this whole thing. “This is my decision. I tried the romantic route. The one with wedding dates and dresses and long-term relationships that involved everyone’s aunt and their dog. It didn’t work out. I followed the right steps and still I got butchered in the end. I won’t allow that to happen again.”
There’s silence from the other side. EJ looks at me, a bit of understanding filling his gaze, for which I’m grateful.
“I’ll be there with her, Mom,” EJ says. “I’ll send photos and I’m sure after the ceremony, Avah will properly introduce you to Declan.”
I nod, not sure how we’ll do this. No matter what we do, my parents will feel like they’re missing out because it’s not easy for us to visit each other. Especially if I’m going to apply for my green card…I’m pretty sure that means I can’t leave the country until it’s all finalized and approved.
“We’ll arrange a video call, and the first opportunity we get, we’ll visit.”
There’s silence from the other end of the phone and my heart aches because of it.
“Mom, I know this isn’t what you hoped for.” I hate feeling like I’ve disappointed my parents, but I also know that they have more faith in us, and in God, than they sometimes let on.
“I’d hoped you’d be coming back home to bury the past and move on with your life,” she says, her voice cracking. “I don’t want this setback to throw your whole life off course, Avah. You need to move forward.”
“I’m still moving forward,” I say, feeling resigned. “Just not in the way you thought I would, Mom. I know this is hard to understand, but I know what I’m doing.”
Or at least, I’m willing to do this. I’m going into this with my eyes open.
She sighs. “I place you in God’s Hands, alskling”, she says, calling me her darling. “It’s my hope that God blesses you and this man. We may not know him, but God knows him and He knows his heart. I’m going to keep faith that God has set this path for you, and that He will keep you. May your marriage be filled with happiness, Avah. Happiness, kindness, patience and love too.”
I’m not sure that there will be love, but I’m sure our marriage can have all the rest as long as we do what we’re supposed to do.
I wipe at the tear slipping over my cheek at the blessing from my mother.
“I love you, Mamma.”
Her blessing doesn’t exactly calm me. But it still brings comfort…laced with a warning. God knows my heart. He also knows Declan’s. I’m not sure whether this marriage is His will or if it’s my desperation alone. It might not matter because by this time tomorrow we’ll be bound together whether we were meant to be or not.
And still it will be in His hands. Because nothing is ever outside of Him.
Walking up the steps of city hall, I’m hyper-aware of everything and everyone around me. There’s a line of people waiting to get married, bouquets clutched in the hands of most of them. My own feel empty as I tug at the dress I got two hours ago.
I might not be carrying flowers, but at least I managed to get a new dress. The pearl fabric drapes in a way that leaves my back open, stopping just below the knees. It’s not the wedding dress of my dreams—a far cry from it—but it’s beautiful enough for today.
I cling to EJ’s arm as he leads me through the entrance, following invisible directions toward a quieter part of city hall.
“Are you okay?” EJ asks, pulling me to a stop just as Declan and another man come into view.
Declan’s gaze lands on me. His frown deepens, tugging on the tie like it might be strangling him. Relief flashes in his eyes before he covers it…but I catch it.
