Page 50 of The Agent and the Outlaw
She leaned her head against my chest, and the intimacy of the gesture threatened to break my heart.In another time, in another place, this would be enough for me. Here is the family you longed for—the family you lost.
“Well, I’d say you more than made up for it,” she said with a coy smile.
I swallowed. “Charlotte, why did you leave last night? Where did you go?”
She sighed and nuzzled into me, but I felt her muscles tense.
“I went for a walk, Antoine. I needed to clear my head and get out of this room. I’ve been stuck in here recovering and it was driving me mad.”
I didn’t think she was lying, but that wasn’t the whole truth, either. I stroked her arm lazily.
“And the man in black?”
She smirked. “Jealous, Antoine?”
I frowned. That was part of it, to be sure, but I didn’t want to admit it out loud to her. She looked up at me and laughed.
“Be at ease. I promise I’d never met him. He saw me on the road back to Gévaudan and asked if I needed any assistance, since it is odd for a woman to be out walking at night by herself,” she said with a little shrug.
Again, not entirely a lie, but also not the full story. I decided not to press her any further, since I didn’t think it would do me any good.
“It is odd,” I admitted. “And dangerous. You could’ve come upon the beast, or thebêtes. I hate to think of you in danger, especially when I can’t be there to help protect you.”
“That is very sweet,” she said, kissing my jawline. “But I can protect myself.”
“I know you can. I just…wish you didn’t have to. It is your choice to live a dangerous life—I would never take that choice from you. But I can’t imagine it’s easy for the people who care about you, seeing you so reckless with your safety.”
I could tell by the hard set of her mouth that I’d overstepped. She pulled away and fixed me with a steely glare.
“Reckless? Antoine, look around you. The world is dangerous. I have worked hard to acquire the skills I need to survive. If I am in danger on occasion because of my work with the Order, it is for a good cause. As to my loved ones and their opinions on how I choose to live my life… Perhaps they have more faith in me than you do.”
At that, she rose from the bed and collected her chemise from the floor. The loss of her warm body next to mine was worse than the pain of starvation.
“Skills to survive?” I scoffed. “You’re acomtesse, Charlotte, not a peasant. Is it really about survival? Or is it about something more? Something that you have to prove to everyone, or prove to yourself?”
“You know nothing about my circumstances,” she shot back at me. “What I’ve had to overcome! Why I chose to learn what I did and why I do what I do—why I won’t rely on anyone else to protect me. Why I have fought to learn how to protect myself.You do not know.”
“Why don’t you tell me then?”
“That’s not something I’m keen to go into with you right now, Antoine. Suffice it to say that you shouldn’t be passing judgment on someone whose life you know nothing about,” she snapped.
“I’m sorry. And it’s not that I don’t have faith in you,” I said, rising to go after her. “It’s just that I don’t understand why you would willingly become a spy when you could be at home living a life of leisure. You shouldn’t be worrying about the fate of France.”
“Ah, and so, because I’m a woman and an aristocrat, I should just stick my head in the sand, keep my hem and my hands clean, and leave all the important work to the men in power? Because they’re doing such a spectacular job of it,” she shot back.
“Well, yes—I mean, no! What I mean is that you should be living a life of comfort, not having to worry about such political entanglements,” I argued, already regretting my words. I reached for my breeches, watching her dress and grow increasingly frustrated with each subsequent layer she put on.
“Clearly, you’ve never been to court if you think the life of an aristocratic woman is anything but political entanglements,” she scoffed.
“Charlotte, you can do anything you want. I know you are capable. I’m sorry that your circumstances have forced you to be so. I just wish you could live an easier life—a safer life.”Let me protect you. Be mine to protect.
“That’s rich coming from the soldier son of a decorated, wealthy, war-mongering general. Why is it men are the only ones who should be allowed to choose their futures and their fates? Why can’t I?”
“You can,” I argued. “Who said you couldn’t?”
“You did! You just can’t accept that this lifeismy choice. Certainly, I should be allowed to control my life as long as it aligns with what you see for me—what society sees for me,” she said bitterly.
“I just don’t understand why you would choose such a hard path,” I said, shaking my head.
