Page 62 of The Agent and the Outlaw
“Truthfully, I do not know. But if it’s anything to do with money, power, or any other self-serving greedy aim, you can be sure that’s closer to the truth than any of that rot he’s spouting to the Order.”
She sat back against the cushions away from the moonlight, and I temporarily mourned the loss of her beauty. “And what are you after?
I shifted uncomfortably. The ache of how much I missed her hit me full force.Dieu, why must this be so difficult?“I told you before. I’m after him.”
She was quiet, studying me. “Is that really all you want?”
“Yes. No! Damn it, it’s all I can have, Charlotte. All I deserve,” I said forcefully.Seeing her is a mistake. Being this close to her is a mistake.
“You’re the only one who believes that, Antoine.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“For pity’s sake, Antoine, I want you to think about your life. Where it’s going, what you want, what happens after you see your revenge mission completed—ifit is completed. What would satisfy you? How would you find happiness?” She waved her hand in the air, exasperated. “What lies beyond the death of your father?”
“I…I don’t know,” I admitted. “I never felt I had the right to a future beyond his death. My life—my purpose—ends with him. I guess I always thought I’d hang for it, so I never allowed myself the luxury of dreaming about a future.”
“That can’t be everything,” she pressed. “You can’t havealwayshoped for a suicide mission in your thirties. I know that’s not what young Antoine dreamed of as a child.”
I felt a blush creep up my cheeks.Certainly not. Young Antoine dreamed of a pretty wife to embrace, children to spoil, winters throwing snowballs and summers eating strawberries beneath shady trees. A home overflowing with love and laughter, where death and disappointment dare not tread, with a partner like sunshine.Young Antoine dreamed of a woman like Charlotte, werewolf or not. Hell, Young Antoine probably would have loved the idea of a supernatural wife.
“It doesn’t matter now,” I snapped. “My path is marked out, and my fate is sealed. Events have been set in motion.”
“What utter horse shit,” she laughed. “Why is it privileged men seem to have everything in the world laid at their feet and they still aren’t satisfied? You may not be able to control the cards you’re dealt in life, but you can certainly choose how to play them.”
“So says the aristocrat born into a life of privilege.”
“You’re right,” she admitted. “But at least I’m doing something with it that goes beyond my own selfish desires. And it doesn’t mean I haven’t had to adjust to less-than-ideal circumstances from time to time.”
She had a point. “So, you transformed in front of all those men.” I couldn’t help the irrational jealousy that bristled.
She stiffened. “They were far more receptive to my altered state than you were.”
Shame and regret surged through me. “I didn’t know that was you in the cave! I was half conscious at the time. And anyway, they were only receptive to it because they want to use your abilities to their advantage,” I grumbled.
She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “You know, I’ve never pushed a man out of a moving carriage, but I think I might enjoy the experience.”
I gritted my teeth. “Thank you for saving my wretched life.Again.” The words were hot and bitter in my mouth, but it was worth it to hear the slight smile in her voice when she answered.
“It’s becoming a habit,” she said. “Whatever will you do without me here to protect you?”
She’d meant the words in jest, but emotion seized my reply and tied it into a knot in my throat. The air between us was charged, as if the unsaid words hung in the atmosphere like fog. I didn’t know if or when I would get another chance to speak to her, so I said the one thing that had been weighing on my mind every day since we’d parted.
“Charlotte,” I breathed. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Christ, for everything. For the last words we spoke to each other in anger. For what happened in the cave. For being an insufferable ass in Gévaudan. For endangering you time and time again and getting you mixed up with thebêtesand now my father. For setting off the cascade of events that turned you into a fucking werewolf. For kidnapping you in the first place.”
“You didn’t kidnap me, you were protecting me,” she said wryly.
Despite my misery, I chuckled. “If only I was. If only I could. Perhaps if I was better at protecting things, everything would be different.”
She blew out a breath. “Antoine, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s that there are more than enough torments to go around. You needn’t add to them yourself. Would my life be any better if I hadn’t become infected? I don’t know. Would it be any better if I wasn’t an agent for the Order? Perhaps, but it would certainly be duller. Would it be any better if my husband hadn’t summoned a demon to try and force Daphne to love him? Actually, yes, probably, but I would still be married to a man I did not truly love.”
Horror gripped me.Surely I’d misheard her.“He didwhat?” White hot rage surged through me, quicker than lightning. “I’ll kill him. Is he still alive? It doesn’t matter. I’ll drag him back from Hell and kill him again.”
She smiled sadly. “My point is that we can speculate all we want. It doesn’t change the way things are. Most of the time, it makes everything more painful because of failed expectations. We are where we are, we arewhowe are, and all we can do is make the best of it,” she said.
