Page 8 of A Really Gay Book
The speech I inflicted on the crowd afterward had people crying with remorse, even though none of them had anything to do with the snatching. I did it anyway because most of them would have done it if the original thief hadn’t gotten there first, and we all knew it.
Half the crowd slinked away to think about what they hadn’t done but had been thinking about doing. I powerwalked into town in an attempt to lose the rest of my entourage.
“I’m going inside for some breakfast,” I announced, standing at the door to my favorite bakery, aiming my words at the three people I hadn’t managed to shake during my walk. “And you’re all going to leave so you can practice some self-control and personal reflection, okay? Because stalking people isn’t healthy behavior.”
Everyone nodded and acted like I’d just done a TED talk that had changed their lives.
I’d see them again tomorrow. My TED talk hadn’t worked on them yesterday, and it wasn’t likely to work today either.
It was the one big place (other than the love thing.) where my luck went all wrong. I sucked at getting people to leave me alone.
I walked into the bakery and firmly closed the door on one guy who looked like he was on the fence about whether or not he wanted to follow my excellent advice.
I leaned against the door and sighed, closing my eyes to collect myself.
I was about to go into battle.
ChapterFour
ADAM
“No, seriously. Let me pay for it, I really don’t need you to treat me!”
I nearly turned around and went right back outside again after seeing the scene before me.
Apple was standing at the bakery counter, surrounded by a group of people crowding around him and shoving money in his face. I was going to leave. I’d even begun to turn on my heel to go, but a tiny, annoying thought popped into my head and said, “They’re scaring him.”
I snorted. Apple had nothing to fear from this world. The worst thing that could happen to him would be a money avalanche or a sex coma from trying to keep up with the astronomical amount of ass he pulled on a regular basis.
But…
Apple was really small, and his admirers seemed to tower over him, dwarfing him in size and exuberance.
For once, I didn’t see an arrogant, annoying twat when looking at Apple. I saw a tired, scared young man who just wanted some fucking breakfast.
Surely that was why I did what I did next.
What did I do? I did what I did best, only on purpose for the first time ever.
“Oh no, look out,” I said blandly, and I kicked a leg toward a nearby chair.
My experience was that accidentally doing something like that could destroy half a restaurant. But this time, all I got was a whole lot of weird looks and zero property damage.
I ignored the glitch in my reality and glared down every last one of them, then snapped out, “Just sit the hell down. You’re in the way.” And miracle beyond miracles, they did exactly that.
One by one, people drifted away from Apple, and only a small number tried to press money into his hand as they went. Apple tucked his hands behind his back and gave them a tight smile and a polite, “No, thank you.”
His golden curls were radiant in the early morning light.
After throwing him out of my house, I’d had a peaceful evening. Vix and Baz had called everyone together, me included, and started in about some big thing that was going on. I wasn’t paying attention. I was too busy playing Breath of the Wild. It was the first time in my memory that I’d managed to play so long without the console overheating.
The wordscompletely vanishedandBaz says he knows I can fix it this timedrifted into my game time, but as usual, I didn’t think about it too much. Life was easier when I didn’t sweat the small things.
When I went to bed, I found the sock I’d the week before.
Score.
I could have left the bakery after clearing away Apple’s admirers, but I was in a good mood after my peaceful evening and this morning’s successful shooing away of random people without property damage, so I wasn’t in a hurry to go. Then Apple shoved a maple bacon doughnut in my face, and I was lost to my baser urges.
