Page 79 of Penalty Box
“Then talk.”
We turned a corner into a quieter stretch, fluorescent lights buzzing overhead. I stopped near the caged storage where sparehelmets and pads were stacked like a wall between two lives I was trying to live at once.
“This isn’t easy for me,” I said.
She crossed her arms, the movement pressing her tool bag tighter against her side. “It must be easier than whatever this is. Avoiding me for days, then asking me to secretly meet you in the bowels of this place. What’s going on?”
“Cass, I—” I dropped my skates to the ground, the clatter startling in the silence. “We have to end things. Us. Whatever we’ve been doing. It can’t keep going.”
Only when the rush of words was over, could I breathe again. A sharp inhale that sent a stab through my chest. At least, that’s what I told myself caused it.
Cass didn’t move, and didn’t say anything. Not for at least a full minute. She just looked at me as if I’d grown a second head or a third eye.
“You think we should stop,” she repeated, her tone flat.
“I know it’s not what you want to hear and trust me, I’d—”
“Trust you?” She scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief. “Who the hell do you think you are?”
“Please, if you just let me explain.”
“No, you don’t get to do this.” She stepped forward, her shoulders squared. “You don’t get to pretend like you’re doing the noble thing by ghosting me and then deciding we’re over. Especially after I defended you to my dad.”
I swallowed hard. “You don’t get it.”
“I think I get all of it just fine, thanks.” The hurt trembling in her voice made me want to hurl myself off a tall building. “My dad threatened you and instead of standing up to him—for us—you folded.”
Her words cut so sharp they might as well have been a tight fist to my jaw.
“This isn’t folding,” I said quietly. “It’s surviving.”
She laughed under her breath, not too stunned to be bitter. “Wow. That’s rich. You tell me I mean something to you, that you want to be with me, and now what? You’re scared it’s all too real?”
“I’m scared of losing everything I’ve worked for,” I shot back, shaking with my desperation for her to not make this harder than it already was. “You think this is easy for me? I’ve busted my ass for years to get here, Cass. Every practice, every rejection, every time someone told me I wasn’t good enough… I proved them wrong. And now, one wrong step and it’s all gone.”
“Being together doesn’t mean you lose your career,” she said. Nopleaded. “What about Grayson and Josie? I don’t see him having to hang up his skates.”
“He’s one of the lucky ones,” I argued. “I know how this plays out. The team needs me. My total focus. Coach— Your dad won’t trust me to lead until I prove that I’m all the way in this. I can’t afford distractions.”
Her face twisted as if I’d slapped her. “Is that what I am to you? A distraction?”
Things were slipping from my grasp and there was nothing I could do about it. The acrid taste of bile rose up in my throat, and I forced it back down.
“If you only knew… You’re the one thing that isn’t distracting.” I pressed my hands to my head, pacing a few steps to work out the frustration burning inside me. “That’s the problem. Don’t you see? I’m too early in my game to push it into second place, and I’d do that with you. In a heartbeat.”
Cass stood still, but her chest rose and fell as her breathing picked up. “So, what? That’s it? We’re done?”
My heart joined my skates on the ground, and I gave a stilted nod. “I don’t see another way.”
She gave a sharp shake of her head and turned, walking a few steps away from me like she couldn’t bear to share the same air for one second more.
“I thought you were different,” she said, facing the opposite wall. “I thought maybe… this time, I wouldn’t have to come in second to the game. That someone might choose me for once.”
“Cass—”
“You’re not the only one risking something.” Her voice was thick with emotion. Guilt wrapped heavy around me, like a wet wool coat. “I’m scared too. But I stood there while my dad looked me in the eye and told me to be careful. That I’d always lose. I stood there, and I still chose you.”
I didn’t have any defense. Just the silence as an undercurrent to the mess I was in. I was coming apart from the inside out.
