Page 78 of Endurance
Yet all I’m feeling is that bloody tickle on my shoulder blade again.
We reach the door to Vi’s patient suite. I hesitate in the hallway while everyone else moves their way inside like they belong, including Indie.
Tanner pauses when he realises I’m no longer beside him.
“What’s wrong?”
I smile brightly at him. Too bright. “I’m…not going in,” I stammer. “You go ahead.”
He moves closer to me. “Why don’t you want to come in?”
I scoff awkwardly. “I think it’s inappropriate. Your family barely knows me. Vi just had surgery. They don’t need an outsider in there.”
He frowns. “They know you’re important to me. What else is there to know?”
“I know, but I’m not, you know, a part of the family.”
“So what? Neither is Indie and she’s in there.”
I roll my eyes. “Indie and Camden are different.”
“Different than what?” he asks, a serious look in his eyes. “Different than you and me?”
My jaw drops at the shock registering all over his face, as if what I’m saying is ludicrous. “Don’t be daft, Tanner. You know they are. I’m just going to grab a cab home. Call me tomorrow.”
I move to kiss his cheek, but he jerks away from me as if I slapped him.
“No,” he barks.
“No, what?” I hiss, frustrated that he’s being so dramatic.
“No, I don’t want you to leave. No, I don’t think we’re different than Cam and Indie. No, I don’t want you to believe that you’re not a part of this.”
His words are spoken, but I don’t hear them. I chew on my lip, protective rage crescendoing inside of me like a tea kettle whistle.
“Tanner, don’t push this,” I whisper. “I’m barely keeping it together right now. Don’t go poking the bear.”
“Keeping what together?”
“My mind!” I exclaim and then lower my voice as I step closer to him, looking up into his eyes. “Hayden almost lost Vi and his baby girl. Just like that. And they love each other, Tanner. Like, truly love each other. If I stay here with you, I’m going to go nuts. I’m not used to relationships and families. I feel too much. My emotions are too strong. I have no barrier with you and it’s all just…crushing me. I don’t do relationships because of this very reason. I go crazy. I get jealous and become irrational, all because my emotions allow me to get invested. Then I think of the future and I gocompletely off the railswith happily ever after thoughts, and you don’t want that mess! You don’t need that crazy shit coming at you in the night!”
Tanner opens his mouth to speak but then closes it again, the brow of his forehead crinkled deep in thought.
“See!” I exclaim, tears welling in my eyes. His silence is enough confirmation for me. “This is why I told you not to poke the bear.” I turn to walk away, mortified that I’ve shown all my true colours like an ugly, paint-splattered mural.
He catches hold of my arm, swirling me to a halt against the wall. His fierce eyes pin me to my place. “Don’t do this, Belle. Don’t start pulling away,” he begs, cupping my face in his hands. “I adore the ground you walk on. You have to see that!”
I shake my head, my voice trembling as I reply, “Is that enough? Is that enough for you to want a future with me? Your whole family bleeds for each other! I’m never going to be like them. I’m not built that way! Do you honestly and truly want someone who can’t give you all of that?” I point to the hospital door. “If your answer isn’t a resounding yes, we should cut our losses because, if we push this, it’s only going to make it that much harder when it all implodes.”
Air gusts out of my mouth. My shoulders rise and fall in rapid succession as I’ve officially dropped the gauntlet and left it all on him.
“For fuck’s sake, Belle!” Tanner jams a hand through his hair, his eyes flooded with desperation and confusion. “My sister just had a baby and emergency surgery, and you’re throwing all of this at me on top of it. I can barely see straight, let alone think straight. Isn’t it enough for me to just want you to stay with me?”
I drag in a deep, cleansing breath. “I wish it was.”
She walks away. She turns and walks away after unloading what felt like a fucking mountain of baggage onto me. I want to grab her and kiss her. I want to toss her arse into a utility room and fuck her until she admits what we have.
But there’s one thing anchoring me in place that’s bigger than our crazy.
