Page 43 of Keeper
“You’ve been acting twitchy since the boys got engaged, too. Sofa-surfing and hanging about longer than usual. You’re worried that everyone is going to move on with their lives and forget you.”
“I am not!” I scoff as I continue to pat Rocky on the back for her burp. I’m avoiding Vi’s eyes because, deep down, I know there’s a sliver of truth to her words. I don’t like change. And I don’t like losing people close to me. I enjoy our family and how close we are. Losing any of that feels like a failure.
“Do you think Poppy going to Germany had something to do with you?” Vi’s blue eyes pin me with a weighty look, like she’s trying to figure out a puzzle.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I just know that when she told me on the doorstep of her parents’ house, she was…not Poppy. Something had changed. Shifted.”
“What do you think it was?” She bites her thumbnail.
“Whatever it was fucked up our friendship, and I’ve just finally started to get her back.” Rocky burps, so I kiss her head and reposition her in my arms. “I don’t want to do anything to risk pushing her away again.”
Vi eyes me sternly for a minute. “You lost her before and survived. Why are you so much more afraid of losing her now?”
“Because it feels like she came back at exactly the right time.” I rush out, realising that the answer has been sitting on the tip of my tongue all this time. “Everybody in our family is moving on with their lives but me. It’s fucking unnerving. I guess it just feels nice to have my best friend by my side.”
She sits back in her lounger, clutching her knees to her chest. “I guess I can understand that. But don’t you think that means you love Poppy, too?”
Her words make my shoulders tense up and Rocky begins fussing. Vi’s arms reach out for her, and she happily goes over for a mummy cuddle. I watch the two of them reconnect for a minute. A mother and her child. Such a closeness there. So much love. So much potential for complete and utter heartache.
I shake my head slowly. “I don’t love Poppy. Not like that.”
“I mean as a friend,” she scoffs.
“No,” I repeat. “I care for her. Deeply. I would be fucking devastated if something happened to her, but do I love her? No, Vi. I don’t. I don’t have the space to love her like that.”
Vi throws her feet off the side of the lounger to stand so she can bounce Rocky in her arms. I watch her carefully because she seems to be so shocked, I’m worried for Rocky’s welfare in her arms. “But you love me?” she asks.
I roll my eyes. “Family is different.”
“What about your future wife?”
“That’s a long ways away. And who knows if I’ll ever get married?”
“You say that now, but that’s only because you’re not opening yourself up to love.” A glossiness appears in her blue gaze.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, leaning forward with concern.
“This makes me incredibly sad, Booker.” Her voice wobbles as she begins to pace.
“Why?” I ask, feeling like I’ve stepped on some landmine I wasn’t aware of.
“I had no idea you’ve never opened yourself up to love anyone outside our family.” Her voice is a garbled mess of thick emotion. “You’ve loved us all so fiercely, it’s shocking that you’re that closed off.”
“Love is not a word I mess around with, Vi,” I argue, squeezing the back of my neck. “You saw better than I did what a mess Dad turned into because he lost Mum. He was a fucking nightmare for years. If it wasn’t for Bethnal Green F.C., who knows how bad things would have been for us. Love has the potential to ruin a person’s soul.”
“Well, no shit,” she snaps and shakes her head, shifting Rocky onto her hip. “But the rewards outweigh the risks. Surely you can see that, Booker, or I feel like I’ve failed you.”
“Failed me how?” I exclaim.
“Because I didn’t show you how to love! I was a shitty replacement Mum,” she shrieks.
I stand and rush over to her, pulling her into my arms as she sobs against my chest. “Vi, it has nothing to do with you. You loved me better than any mum could. But I think the word love should be reserved for relationships like this. Family. I’ll keep my keeper gloves on with everyone else.”
“You’re wrong, Booker.” She pulls away and wipes the tears from her eyes. Rocky stares up at her with a confused expression, like she’s connected to her mother’s emotions. Vi looks at me with a severe glower and adds, “You’re wrong and I’m disappointed in you.”
My heart falls. Christ, this conversation has taken a turn for the worst. “You’re what?”
“I’m gutted that you think love has to be so small. I love Rocky. I love Hayden. I love my future in-laws. I love my friends. My coworkers. I love you and the boys. I love Indie and Belle because they love Cam and Tan. I love my fucking gardener because he makes my Chrysanthemums look so bloody gorgeous, I’ll never have to pay for a photography studio to take pictures of Adrienne!” She inhales a deep breath. “But I’m disappointed that you aren’t letting yourself open up to love like that.”
