Page 66 of Surrender
I pull one leg up to my chest and turn to face her. “Stop repeating what I’m saying and trust me when I tell you that this is the perfect arrangement. More importantly, it’s the best sex I’ve ever had.”
Her eyes fly wide with excitement. “Well, it’s no wonder. You’re shagging England’s sexiest footballer, Sloan. Do you have any idea how many women would kill to take your place?”
This makes me frown. “I try not to think about the fact that Gareth is an athlete. He always just felt like more of a client to me. Now he’s just…Gareth.”
Freya erupts into laughter, holding her belly as the fit overtakes her body. “And Tom Hardy is just Tom Hardy!”
I sigh heavily and roll my eyes at her hysterics. “I know he’s famous, but we’re different people when we’re together.”
She wipes an errant tear from her eye and asks, “How do you mean?”
My lips thin as I ponder her question. I know why I love our arrangement, but I’m not one hundred percent sure why Gareth loves to give up the control. He’s given me some ideas, but it seems deeper than his daddy issues. “I don’t know exactly, but it’s like we’re both working through a problem and what we do with each other helps us deal.”
Freya leans in and cups her mouth to whisper, “Is it kinky? Does he have a sex dungeon?”
“No,” I groan and pick at my black tights, my mind drifting off to the sense of empowerment I get when I’m with him. “It’s above all that. It’s like Gareth’s home has become my refuge from life. When I go there, it’s like shutting off the WiFi and not allowing myself to scroll Instagram. I don’t worry about what Sophia is doing or how much she’s changing. And Gareth doesn’t know me or my life, so I get to be a different person when I’m with him. Someone who is strong, and brave, and sexy, and desired.”
Freya’s eyes are fierce on mine. “So he doesn’t know about Sophia?”
“No,” I answer, swallowing slowly. After he opened up about his father the other night, I started feeling guilty about this significant part of my life that I’ve yet to mention. “He knows I’m divorced, but that’s pretty much it. I feel like I need to keep it that way. So much of my identity the past few years has revolved around Sophia. The weeks I spend with Gareth are a chance for me to reclaim the person I lost when I stayed married to Cal for so long. I need this fourth wall to feel like I can keep doing this arrangement we have.”
“Wow.” Freya looks forward, her head shaking back and forth in amazement. “I’m here binge-watching Netflix, and you’re out there having mind-blowing sex and really living life.”
“I’m trying.” I shrug because that’s all I can do at this point.
“What does he think you’re doing when you have Sophia?”
“Well, it’s new, so I’m just going to keep telling him I’m travelling for work or too busy to drive out there. So far he hasn’t noticed because I more than make up for it when I’m free.” I shoot her a lascivious smile and she covers her mouth with a snicker.
“This is properly more exciting than Zumba!” She giggles.
I give her a huge grin and reply, “That is an understatement.”
“Well, you’re a tart! And I’m positively green with jealousy, so don’t take it personal when I hate you for the rest of our lives.”
I smile broadly. “I love you.”
She nudges me with her shoulder. “Mean it.”
My drive out to Astbury has become one of my favourite pasttimes. It’s the one hour I need every day to meditate, self-reflect, and prepare myself to let go of my stress and embrace this new, stronger version of myself. It’s also a great time to fantasise about all the things I want to do with Gareth.
Like experimenting with hot wax!
Along with all the groceries I bought for Thanksgiving, I included a couple of candles to help set the mood for our meal and my plans for after dinner. I am practically panting from the anticipation of drizzling hot wax over Gareth’s ridiculously amazing body. I tested it out on myself last night, and the heat it stirred inside of me made it nearly impossible to stay away for twenty-four hours.
My how far I’ve come.
When Gareth first proposed this control idea, I took to the internet for information and was really intimidated by what I found. True BDSM is intense and a big commitment. I knew I couldn’t do the majority of what I saw. But when we spent the night texting back and forth, he assured me that it wasn’t whips and chains he was looking for. He didn’t want me to turn him into a sex slave or have us join some underground club where people in this lifestyle go for pleasure. It was a simple power exchange that he sought. He didn’t want to be in charge of my pleasure. He wanted to be the answer for it.
Most of our nights together thus far have simply been me directing the scene. Telling him I need to sit on his face. Or telling him he can’t touch me with his hands, only his lips. Sometimes it’s me shoving him down on the bed and climbing on top of him just to see his eyes flash wide with lust and awe. When I’m confident, he looks at me with complete reverence. It’s a glorious stamp of approval I didn’t even know I was missing in my life.
Callum was always one to thrive on his control. On his power. His wealth. He prided himself on all the things Gareth seems to ignore in his life.
I mean, I’m not blind. I know Gareth hasn’t surrenderedallof his power. He manages to find a way to top from the bottom quite often, but it always starts with my control. My planning. My set-up. My terms. And our time together is completely at my discretion.
There’s a whole new level of anxiety over actually spending a full night with him, though. At first, I regretted agreeing to it. What if Sophia got sick in the middle of the night and Cal called me to come? How awful would it be if I couldn’t get to her in an instant?
Logically, I know that’s my anxiety talking. She’s not a sick baby anymore. She’s become a healthy little human before my very eyes. Just last week when I took her to the dentist, I couldn’t believe how big she looked in the exam chair. At some point, when I wasn’t noticing, she stopped being a toddler. And every time she comes back to me after a week of being with Cal, I swear she’s grown taller and more mature.
