Page 37 of Dominate
“So am I!” I exclaim, my muscles tensing all over my body. “And I was just trying to survive when we were kids, too. Most nine-year-old boys are out playing footy with their friends, not potty-training their twin brothers. Most male teenagers I knew had loads of girlfriends. I never had one because I was too terrified to bring anyone around you, not to mention I never had time for dating because I was too busy taking care of everyone. You weren’t even remotely normal again until you started working for Bethnal. Then it was suddenly business as usual! Do you have any idea how that felt to a young boy who had been trying to make you happy for years?”
Dad winces at my last comment and shakes his head as if he can’t bring himself to reply, so I reply for him. “It felt like nothing I did was ever good enough. No matter how hard Vi and I tried, nothing pulled you out of that darkness. Only football. Then you went on and on last night about the importance of family. Where was that man when we were kids? The man we grew up with didn’t give a toss about family. He only cared about football!”
“I’ve changed, Gareth,” he pleads, turning to face me with an urgent expression on his face, all the veins in his neck protruding as he attempts to hold himself together. “Please tell me you can see that I’ve changed.”
“Of course I can see. Bloody hell, you’re wearing sandals for Christ’s sake,” I reply flippantly and sit back in my chair, crossing my arms over my chest.
He watches me carefully for a minute, unamused by my remark, but I don’t care. He doesn’t deserve much better.
Running a hand through his hair, he composes himself before replying, “Gareth, when you were attacked…” He pauses, his voice catching in his throat as he looks away. “When Vi called me crying so hard that she couldn’t speak, I thought I lost you.”
The pain in his expression unnerves me as I watch him shift in his chair, directing his focus at the family swimming instead of me.
“And I thought to myself,It’s happened again.I’ve hurt and lost the one person I owe my life to…Just like when I lost your mother.” His voice breaks and his face contorts as he fights back the feelings boiling up inside of him. “I swore a long time ago I’d never return to Manchester because it holds too many tender memories for me, but I didn’t want to abandon you the way I did your mother. I was certain if I could get up there and just get you home, everything would be okay. It wasn’t until Sloan shouted at me that I even truly realised what I was trying to do.”
Emotion swells in my chest at his mention of how she stood up to him for me that day. “She’s not an easy one to fight off,” I reply.
“I can see that, and now I can say I’m grateful for it because Lord only knows what could have happened to you if I had gotten you down to London. I wasn’t seeing things clearly, but I could see that she was there beside you the way I should have been beside your mother. And seeing you two together like that was a wake-up call, Gareth. That’s why I’m trying so hard right now. I want to be the man your mother fell in love with. The man I was when you were little and she used to bring you to the football pitch to watch me practice…Do you remember any of the good times, Gareth? Or have I spoiled all your memories?”
I stiffen as images flood my mind that I’ve been trying to keep away for years. “I remember some.”
His face brightens. “I remember the day you were born. I had no idea the best adventure of my life would be making a family with your mother, and for years it was only you, me, and her. You two travelled with me to all my matches. It was brilliant. I loved parading you in front of my teammates and bragging about how you were going to put all their stats to shame someday. Your mother and I had so many dreams for you, Gareth. So many hopes.
“But when she got sick, I lost all hope. I lost myself. My body didn’t know how to function without her. We were always a partnership. Fifty-fifty. But the moment she became ill was the moment I felt half of myself disappear. I couldn’t even look in the mirror because I didn’t want to see what I was without her. I hated her for leaving me, and I hated myself for hating her. It was a sick cycle I couldn’t escape.”
My heart pounds hard and heavy in my chest over his words. Words that I can actually sympathise with, which is an odd feeling for someone who’s dedicated his entire life to outdoing the person speaking.
My voice is hoarse when I reply, “I wish you would have talked to me, Dad. You’ve never acknowledged any of this. You just fucking disappeared. I was a kid and we needed you. We needed help.”
His face twists in pain and he nods stiffly. “You’re right. I know you’re right. But your mother was so independent. She never wanted to live like we had a lot of money, and she wouldn’t dream of hiring a nanny. Not even when the twins were born and you know how wild those two were.
“I thought I was doing the right thing by refusing help. The Harris family only needed each other, you know? We were like a self-sustaining island. That’s why I was so upset when you signed with Man U and moved away. You abandoned the island and I hated it. It’s also why I pushed the twins and Booker to continue living at home and let me manage their careers so tightly. And why I bought Vi a flat in East London. I could see her getting restless, and I didn’t want her to move as far away as you did. I didn’t want to lose any more of my family.”
I shift uncomfortably as I think back to how angry my father was when I told him I signed with Man U without his consent. It was one of our worst fights to date. The only fight he ever put his hands on me. I thought it was because he didn’t want to lose me on his team. I never imagined it was because he wanted to keep me close.
“I honestly don’t know what to say,” I admit with a heavy sigh. “For years now, I’ve been trying to do better than you. Be a better father figure, a better footballer, a better person.”
Dad’s eyes turn red around the edges. “Gareth, you don’t have to try. You’ve already achieved those goals. The incredible family we have is all because of you. You and Vi. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, son.”
“I don’t know if I believe that,” I scoff disbelievingly.
Dad turns and reaches out to put a hand on my shoulder. My knee-jerk reaction is to wince at the tender touch, but I clench my teeth and accept it for what it is.
An olive branch.
“You must believe it, Gareth. This family is more yours than mine, and it always will be. I’m just hopeful you’ll still let me be a part of it.”
I nod somberly, my head dropping down as I rub my hands together. “I think it’d be nice for the boys and Vi to see the real you.”
A small smile lifts his face. “I’m only sorry it took twenty-five years for him to come back.”
My body grows a newfound sense of calmness that I’ve never felt before. This conversation has been more impactful than I could have ever imagined. I’m actually shocked by how much I understand my father better now. The man was dying from a broken heart and doing the best he could under the circumstances. Sloan and I aren’t nearly as connected as my mum and dad were, but the thought of losing her after everything we’ve gone through together terrifies me. She is a part of me as much as anyone has ever been.
Perhaps she’s the reason I understand my father’s position a bit more now.
“You’re the glue, Gareth. You always have been. You are exactly like your mother in that way.”
His mention of Mum brings her face to the forefront of my mind. Her smile. Her eyes. Her hair. Her touch.
