Page 64 of Payback
I drop down on the front step and wrap my arms around my knees, breathing in the fresh air like a lifeline. I’m just finally beginning to calm down when I hear the door open behind me. I turn around, expecting to see Roan or maybe Vi checking in on me, but I’m shocked to see it’s actually Uncle Vaughn standing there in all his tall, intimidating presence.
He looks different without a grandchild in his arms, a rare sight I’ve noticed since coming into his home. Being a grandfather agrees with him, and I can’t help but wonder what my own father would be like as a grandpa.
Vaughn breathes deeply and hooks his thumb back toward the house. “I’m sure this gathering is a great deal louder than what you grew up with in America.” He moves down the front stoop, lowering himself onto the step beside me. “And to think we put ourselves through this madness every bloody Sunday.”
He gets a weary look on his face that makes me smile.
“Don’t act like you don’t love every second of it.”
“You got me there,” he replies, the corner of his mouth tilting up into a prideful expression. “As obnoxious as my lot is, I would still prefer they all live right here under my roof forever. There’s a great sense of contentment when you have all the players on your team together.”
A pang of regret hits me in the stomach because I can’t picture my father considering me as a part of his team. Growing up, I always thought his coldness was because he was British and they express their emotions differently. But seeing Vaughn Harris—a famous former soccer player and now a successful team manager—bouncing babies on his shoulders and waxing lyrical about his children makes me realise just how different the two of them truly are.
“Why the sad face?” Vaughn asks, his brows pinching together as he watches me thoughtfully.
I shake my head dismissively. “Nothing…Tonight just makes me realise I don’t have the same sort of relationship with my dad.” I run a hand through my hair and add, “I didn’t leave on the best of terms with him. Things from my past seem to be affecting my present in more ways than one right now.”
Vaughn inhales sharply, the subject of my father clearly something that affects him negatively as well. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shrug. “I’m afraid it’s a little too much information for an uncle to have to endure.”
I almost laugh out loud when I think about blabbing, “Hey, Uncle Vaughn, I walked in on my stepsister and boyfriend fucking on my bed, which sent me into an emotional tailspin where I recorded an accidental sex video of a supposed stranger who I’m actually dating. And now my offenders are getting married and my father thinks it’s totally fine for him to walk her down the aisle!”
“Have you met my son Tanner?” Vaughn deadpans. “Too much information is no longer a concept in our family thanks to him.”
We laugh at his comment as our gazes follow a crazy squirrel darting up and down a tree.
“I just wish my dad was more like you. Maybe I’d have someone to lean on instead of making stupid mistakes that I can’t take back.”
Vaughn visibly tenses out of the corner of my eye. When I glance over, I see that he’s lost all humour on his face.
“You know, Allie…I’m not a perfect father either. I’m not sure such a thing even exists. But you should know there was a long period of time when the kids were young that I wasn’t exactly present. In fact, I was really a ghost of a man.” He pauses and I see his body hunch forward as his mood darkens. “It was after Vilma passed, and it’s not a time in my life that I’m proud of. That was also when your father and I got in a huge row.” He visibly deflates as he hangs his head. “He wanted me to hire a nanny and get back into football to support my family. Shake off the grief. I was in such a dark place at the time that he said one wrong word and I hit him for it, square in the jaw.”
“I had no idea,” I state, my eyes wide. “I knew you guys had a falling-out, but I never knew what it was about.”
Vaughn nods sadly. “In hindsight, he was probably right. I wasn’t fit to care for five young children. But I didn’t trust his opinion on the matter because your father didn’t know love the way I did with Vilma. He loves a different way. More pragmatically.”
“That is so true,” I say softly, feeling almost cheated that I didn’t grow up seeing my father love a woman the way Vaughn loved Vilma.
“But, as I said, my way wasn’t any better than his. I didn’t do right by my children for many years. Thankfully, they helped each other out when I wasn’t capable of doing so. And the beauty and the curse of family is that they’re bound to you by blood, which means I’m doing everything I can to make up for lost time.”
I stare at him in wonder, having difficulty imagining him being anyone other than the loving, devoted father I see today. “Your kids don’t seem to be any worse for the wear.”
A look of pride flits over his face at my compliment. “My kids had each other to lean on. Vi was a mini mummy and Gareth…He was the man of the house more than I ever was. I owe everything to them, and I remind myself of that every single day.”
Vaughn’s eyes turn red around the edges, and a knot forms in my throat from seeing such a strong man become so vulnerable in front of me. I knew things were hard after Vilma’s passing because that was when we stopped seeing them as much. But the grave look in Vaughn’s eyes makes me realise that I likely had no idea what it was truly like for this family after losing their wife and mother. My mother may be a flighty, emotionally unstable parent, but at least she’s still alive.
“But you didn’t have that sense of family, Alice. You were with your dad in a new country without any siblings or a mother to lean on. I feel bad that we lost touch with you guys because I’m sure your dad could have used some brotherly advice and you could have used some pushy cousins, even from afar.” He puts his arm around me and pulls me into him, dropping a kiss on the top of my head. “I’m glad we’re getting a second chance with you.”
I smile, fighting back the tears that sting the backs of my eyes. “I’m glad, too.”
He releases me and pins me with a fatherly look. “I think you need to be kind to yourself and let whatever you did in the past be forgotten. This is a new beginning here, and I can’t wait to see how wonderfully you do.”
His words hit me straight in the stomach. Is it that easy? Can I leave the past in the past and forget about what I did?
“But I’ve done some things I’m ashamed of. Things that I know I should confess to, but I selfishly don’t want to wreck what I have now. Things have been so good since I came to London. I feel happier than I’ve felt in a long time.”
“Then let those things go,” Vaughn states knowingly. “In my experience, the time to confess is when things are bad and can’t get any worse. If life is good, my uncle-y advice is to not rock the boat.” He pats me on the shoulder and moves to stand up, pausing above me. “And cut yourself some slack, darling. My kids aren’t perfect. They depend a lot on each other for everything, especially when they screw up, which they have all done hundreds of times. If you’re not perfect, you’re in jolly good company now.”
With a wink and a smile, he walks back inside the house, leaving me alone with the memories of my past. Honestly, what I did was so uncharacteristic of me. If I could jump in a time machine and take it back, I would.Well, maybe not the multiple orgasms. Those memories are pretty awesome.
But I would take back the video part. I’d make it disappear. And perhaps the fact that I haven’t deleted it yet is why I can’t let it go. If I just click DELETE, then I would just have the memories and wouldn’t have to worry about hurting Roan anymore.
Before I move to head in, I pull my phone out of my pocket and locate the video in my gallery. I punch the trash can icon and pause before pressing YES. The video was once a crutch I used to feel empowered, but I don’t need it anymore. I am not the person I left behind in Chicago who felt alone and betrayed and ruined for all future relationships.
I am a stronger woman in London. I have a family, a job, a love life. Things are looking up. It’s time to focus on my future, not my past. If this video ended up in the wrong hands—if one sinister person got a hold of it—it could ruin not only Roan’s life, but my life and my newfound family here in London. The video cannot exist anymore. It needs to be entirely erased from my life.
I confirm the request to delete it and feel a tremendous weight lift off my shoulders when it’s gone. With a smile, I stand up and head back inside to Roan and back inside to my family, who all make my future feel pretty damn bright.
