Page 66 of Payback
Roan tilts his head, absorbing that comment for a moment. “That’s probably very true. My sisters fight like crazy. Vicious, claws out, hair pulling, nasty business. I always used to get in the middle, but it never stopped them. I’d literally be holding them apart from each other and they’d take swings at me until I let go. I should have gone with Gareth’s theory and just dealt with the aftermath.”
The image of siblings fighting sends a bizarre aura of sadness through me because I’m actually jealous of people who got to experience that. Rosalie and I never fought. Maybe that was the first sign that what we had wasn’t a real sisterly relationship.
“I would have liked to have had siblings,” I state, leaning over and dragging my fingertips through the calm water. “Being an only child in a new country really sucked.”
Roan stops rowing to let us drift for a while, his eyes serious on me. “What about your stepsister? I know she turned out to be a fucking cunt in the end, but was it ever good between you?”
I let out a long, pensive sigh. A couple of weeks ago, I opened up to Roan about the dirty details of my breakup with both Ghost Penis and Rosalie. Surprisingly, he didn’t threaten bodily harm on them the way Tanner and Booker did when they found out. He simply pulled me into his arms and kissed the pain away.
“I think I was blind when it came to Rosalie,” I state, lifting my hand to shield my eyes from the sun as I look back at Roan. “I was at such an awkward age and so desperate for a sense of family that I just kind of latched onto her, calling her my sister and best friend. But since spending more time with the Harris girls here, I’ve realised that our relationship was nothing like what I see between Indie and Belle or Vi and the boys. I think Rosalie and I have been competing my entire life, but I didn’t even know it until now.”
Roan’s brow furrows. “And your ex? Were you blind when it came to him?”
“God, yes,” I retort with an exasperated laugh. “I think I loved the idea of love more than I actually loved him. I blew our relationship up in my mind to seem better than the reality. I did that with himandRosalie. I couldn’t see what was real and what wasn’t.”
“What about us?” he asks tentatively and I watch as his body tenses for my answer.
I’m taken off guard by the weight of his question. “What do you mean?”
“Do you think we’re real?”
It seems like a silly question, but his expression isn’t portraying anything humourous.
“I hope we are,” I reply, playing with my dress and trying not to look him in the eyes when I continue telling him one of my biggest fears. “I guess I don’t really know how to trust myself again.”
Roan looks down into the boat, chewing his inner cheek for a moment. “Then I want you to trust me.”
“Trust you for what?” I cave and eye him questioningly.
“I’ll tell you what’s real and what is fake between us.” His eyes hit me with an intensity that takes my breath away. He releases the oars and braces his hands on his knees, bringing our faces closer together when he adds, “Because, when I ask you to be my girlfriend and not just someone you’re casual with, I don’t want there to be any hesitation on your end that we’re real.”
My jaw drops. “Are you…asking me to be your girlfriend?”
“No,” he snaps and a hint of a smile lights up his face in a way that is so adorable it gives me butterflies. “This very romantic boat ride would be the worst place for me to ask you to be my girlfriend. Obviously.” He comically rolls his eyes and I bite my lip to try and hide the surge of anxiety swirling in my belly.
The anxiety is annoying because I like Roan. I like him ten times more than Ghost Penis, whom I supposedly loved. And I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t notice the moment we surpassed his usual one-month mark for when he breaks it off with women. I noticed and tried to tell myself it didn’t matter. That deep down, we were still just casual.
But the way he’s looking at me—and the way I feel when he looks at me—doesn’tfeelcasual. It feels significant.
Suddenly, desperation floods through me, drowning out all my nerves and insecurities. So much of what Roan and I have is because he pushes closer when I pull away. It’s exhausting. For once, I want to be the one who pushes. I want to be in the moment and show him that I do know what’s real and what’s fake sometimes.
Biting my lip, I grab a hold of the sides of the boat to steady myself before moving to stand up.
“What are you doing?” Roan asks, looking down nervously as we teeter side to side. “Sit down, Lis. You’re going to tip us over.”
“I’m not going to tip us over,” I reply and take a step forward. The boat pitches to the right, so I quickly balance out my weight to stop it. “Holy shit, I almost tipped us over.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “Sit down, you mad woman!”
“That’s what I’m trying to do!” I huff and very carefully place my hands on his shoulders. Using him for support, I step over his legs and lower myself to straddle his lap.
“There,” I state with a proud smile, glancing down at my skirt that’s spread up the middle. “I sat down.”
His brows lift as he glances down and notices my pink panties peeking out from under my dress. He wraps his arms around my waist and squeezes my life-jacketed body close to him. “This skirt of yours gives us easy access if you want to get a little more romantic.”
I smile mischievously already having had the same thought. “I was just coming over for this.”
I press my lips to his full, perfect mouth. It feels soft, and warm, and welcoming…and more real than any kiss I’ve ever had. Our tongues dance and my mind drifts to how much I’ve changed since deleting that stupid video. Before, I was guarded and defensive of my heart because opening it to him meant that I had to tell my secret. But deleting it has freed me in more ways than one. I don’t need the memory of Roan and me in that video to feel strong and capable in life. I just need the real deal, who’s pressed up against my body right now.
