Page 12 of Blindsided
I falter for a moment but then realise that Mac probably doesn’t know either, so I just make something up. “It’s when you have The Sex on a dirty tribal blanket.”
Mac closes his eyes as if he’s embarrassed. “Not even close. And for the record, people who say ‘The Sex’ generally don’t have a lot of it.”
“Then what is a dirty Sanchez, Mr Sex Haver? First, you educated me on Netflix and chill, and now this. I had no idea I was friends with a sexual savant!”
Mac ignores my jab, and replies, “A dirty Sanchez is when a lad sticks his finger up the bum of a lass, then wipes it across her upper lip.”
“That’s fucking disgusting!” I screech loudly.
“I know!” Mac roars, standing back up to his full height and puffing out his chest. “And you took a drink in front of all those people like you you’ve done it when I know damn well you wouldn’t do that if your life depended on it.”
“I wouldn’t do it if Hercules’s life depended on it!” I agree in earnest. “I love my cat, but if the choice was between me smelling my own arsehole or Hercules having to meet his maker, he’d have to go.” I do a quick sweep of my flat, worried that Hercules might be listening.
Mac’s heavy exhale turns my focus back to him. “Then please tell me, what in God’s name you were doing tonight, Cookie? What was that performance all about? And don’t blame the alcohol because I know it had nothing to do with you being a wee bit pissed.”
I shrug helplessly and clutch the water against my chest like it’s a shield that will protect me from Mac’s scrutinising eyes. “I was just trying to fit in.”
He scoffs with disbelief. “Since when areyoudesperate to fit in?”
Since I decided I didn’t want to tell a room full of people that I’m a twenty-nine-year-old virgin and my sexual experiences are bleak at best!
“I didn’t want everyone in the room to know,” I murmur and press the cool plastic water bottle against my forehead in some vain attempt to gain strength.
“Know what?”
My eyes flare angrily as I jerk the bottle away from my face. “Isn’t it obvious?”
“What?” Mac asks thickly.
I close my eyes as if in pain. If the big ox hasn’t figured out by now that I still have my maiden tag, I’m certainly not about to tell him. “That I haven’t had a proper date in years, never mind kissed a bloke. That no matter how hard I try, I can barely string together a comprehensible sentence around a man. I was hoping to find a date for Allie and Roan’s wedding, but I’m hopeless! You should see me around blokes. I turn into a tongue-tied freak who says words backwards and out of order. It’s like I’m reading a crossword puzzle aloud.”
“You speak in front of me all the time,” Mac argues, his brows furrowed in confusion. “You even use words I have to google the meaning of later.”
“Well, you’re not a proper bloke.” I turn away from him to exhale so he doesn’t smell the vomit on my breath.
He steps in close behind me, and his voice is husky when he replies, “Last I checked, my cocker and balls were upstanding citizens, though I do think they crawled up inside my body when you drank to dirty Sanchez earlier.”
“Enough talk about dirty Sanchez. Do you want me to be sick again?” I twirl around to eye him angrily. “I just mean you’re not a bloke that I fancy. I was trying to impress that Santino fellow, or at least not make a fool of myself in front of him.”
“So you fancy the lawyer? He’s a fucking creep. He used to make the Harrises take him out to clubs and stuck to them like glue in hopes of shagging their cast-offs.”
“I don’t fancy Santino!” I exclaim. “Are you thick?”
“Christ, I must be because I’m lost.”
“I fancy Javier! The Spanish barista who works at the coffee shop by the boutique. He’s bearded and wonderful, and he gave me his number yesterday. I’ve been in a state about it ever since.”
Mac blinks at me stupidly. “So call him. What are you waiting for?”
Heaven help me so I don’t bash this man’s head into the refrigerator.
“Haven’t you been listening, Mac? It’s obviously not that easy for me, and I still have no ideawhyhe gave me his number. He must have magically forgotten about the time I spilled an entire tray of coffees and was in such a tizzy, I marched behind the counter and grabbed a mop and bucket, which apparently isn’t proper because the health inspector was there, and I wasn’t using the mop correctly, and Javier almost got a violation because of it! He wasn’t even cross at me for it!”
Mac smiles at me like I’m his nan with Alzheimer’s again. “Probably because he fancies you.”
“Fat lot of good that will do me if I can’t even muster up the nerve to call him.” I look up and eye Mac seriously. “In case you didn’t realise tonight, I’m a little inexperienced with The Sex.”
“You really have to stop calling it The Sex.”
