Page 90 of Blindsided
“Why do you need a full-body photo of yourself?” Allie asks, her eyes narrowing.
“Because I made the mistake of just doing a headshot the last time I tried Internet dating back in Manchester, and it turned out horribly.” I turn and mindlessly play with the tutu fabric on one of the puppy outfits. “I actually had a bloke meet me at a pub, take one look at me and say, ‘There’s curvy, and there’s fat. You, my dear, are fat.’ That was before he called me Piggy and stormed out.”
Allie gasps, her hand reaching out to touch my arm. “What the hell?”
I cross my arms and turn to face her. “So it’s no wonder why it’s taken me this long to try it again.”
Allie shakes her head and then her brows furrow. “So, why are you suddenly so ready to try online dating again?”
“I don’t know exactly,” I state, turning and resting my arse on the sewing table. “Maybe because I’ve lost a few pounds and gained a bit of confidence? Maybe because I’m going to be thirty in three weeks, and I want to get my photos in while I can still say I’m a hot twenty-something?”
Allie mirrors my position and nudges me with her shoulder. “Or maybe it’s because you’re going through one of the most painful breakups of all time, and you think if you survived that asshole, you can survive another?”
I level her with a glare. “Mac and I would have had to have been a couple for us to break up, Allie. We were never a couple. End of story.”
I hold out my phone to her, and she shakes her head. “Don’t you think you’re rushing into this? It’s not even been two months since you went to Mac’s game. I still think he’ll come around.”
I huff out an incredulous laugh. “Allie, I’m done waiting around for things to happen to me. Mac said a lot of horrible things to me in his car that day, but there was a shred of truth to some of them.” I replay the scene in my mind for the millionth time, and it still stings because we were clearly on two completely different pages. “I would have probably dropped everything and gone with Mac to Glasgow if only he’d have asked. I would have done long distance with him, or maybe even taken a break and waited to see how the year apart went. I would have made a lot of sacrifices to be with him, but I never said any of that because I was too terrified to ask for what I want.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want to be happy!” I exclaim, that familiar ache in my throat returning every time I think of Mac. “When all this with us started, it was supposed to be casual. I just wanted not to be a virgin before my thirtieth birthday. And I just wanted a date for your wedding. But then things changed between us. You all saw it in Scotland. We weren’t just friends anymore. We were more. And now that I’ve had a taste of what true intimacy is, I want it. I want it with someone who knows me and challenges me and desires me. I want it more than just a great job and a great pet. I want it all now; rejection be damned.”
Allie smiles affectionately. “You deserve it all, Freya.”
I nod, my mind drifting through blips of everything I experienced with Mac and wondering what it would be like to have that with someone else. I can’t even imagine it yet. My memories with Mac are still so strong, so bright, so overpowering.
I sigh heavily and add, “I’m also ready to stop being the perfect bridesmaid just because I’m single.”
Allie juts out her jaw defensively. “Your singleness had nothing to do with you being in my wedding.”
I lift the corner of my mouth into a smile. “I know, but if I had a boyfriend or a husband or a family, you and I might not have had time to become friends.”
“Well, if that’s true, I’m glad your love life is shit because I can’t imagine not having you as a friend,” Allie says as she shoves me playfully.
I turn and wink at her. “I’m glad you had a scandalous sex tape released of you and Roan, so you and I had the opportunity to connect on such adeeplypersonal level.”
Allie’s jaw drops. “Too soon for sex tape burns!”
I lift my hand to cover my mouth. “But you’re married now!”
“It doesn’t matter!” she shoots back, joining in my laughter. “It will always be too soon for sex tape jokes, okay?”
“Okay,” I smile fondly at her and wrap my arm around her shoulders. “Now, will you please get on with taking a full-body photo of me while I’m holding a book for scale so men can really grasp the actual circumference of my arse?”
“With pleasure.”
Funerals.
Fuck them.
Fuck the lot of them.
They can go to fucking hell.
Fuck cancer.
Fuck old age.
