Page 55 of Replay
She grabs her drink and slides closer to peer into the two pans I have on the stove. “So, what is on the menu for tonight?”
“First, antipasto.” I point at her board. “Then the primo dish of red sauce and penne. Then I have a roasted chicken in the oven for the secondo with broccolini as the contorno. And finally, we’ll end with the dolce…dessert. Although full confession, I picked that up at the store. There’s a really good bakery around the corner that makes the best cannoli. Seriously, they are better than my nonna’s, but if you ever tell her I said that, I’ll have you murdered.”
Her eyes widen as she takes a sip out of her glass bottle and heads back to her tray prepping. “Homicide seems a bit intense for a cannoli.”
“Food is life or death in my family,” I state with no hint of amusement. “Nonna actually hated one of our neighbours in Bourton because they put parsley in their minestrone.” I pin Tilly with a grave look. “That’s an unforgivable sin, in case you didn’t know.”
“I had no idea,” she replies with wide eyes. “Good thing I never make minestrone.”
This makes me genuinely laugh.
She pops a green olive into her mouth. “You can’t eat like this by yourself every night. There’s no way you can consume this much food and look the way you do.”
I side-eye her while dropping the pasta into the boiling water. “You’ve noticed how I look, Tilly?”
She rolls her eyes and grabs a grape. “I mean, you haven’t given me a proper show, but I can get a general idea just by the look of you.” Her eyes drift down my body.
“So, youhavebeen eyeing me up,” I say, feeling smug.
“No,” she volleys back, shooting daggers at me. “Your ego is surviving perfectly fine without my attentions.”
I huff out a noise as I reach over and snag an olive off her board. “What kind of food does your family make?”
“Mmm,” she replies as she swallows a sip of her lemonade. “My mother is a very proper meat and two vegetable type of cook. She would think a curry is something exotic.”
I laugh again. “Are your parents disappointed you’re not moving back to Scotland?”
“Aye, sure, but they were pleased about my job opportunity. Plus, I think they’re going to be making a lot of visits to London once Freya and Mac have the baby.”
I watch Tilly for a long moment as she works and hesitate asking her a question I’m sure she won’t want to answer. But knowing she wouldn’t hold back from asking me, I decide to just come out with it. “Is it hard for you to be around Freya?”
“Why would it be?” She frowns over at me, looking genuinely confused.
I swallow the knot in my throat. “Because she’s pregnant, and you’ve lost a baby before.”
When her hands still, I immediately regret going so deep so fast. We were laughing and flirting and having a great time, and I completely buggered this all up. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that.”
“It’s fine,” she says quietly, turning her attention back to the food in front of her. “I guess I don’t really think much about it because…well…it was connected to such a difficult time in my life that isn’t a part of me anymore. So I try to just leave it in the past.”
I nod slowly. “Doesn’t mean it isn’t still hard, right?”
She turns sad eyes to me. “I suppose so.”
I remain quiet for a moment as she appears to be processing something. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She chews her lower lip and glances down. “I don’t really talk about it to anyone ever. I made my family promise not to bring it up ever again, and they honoured that wish. Then I became so focused on staying sober that I guess the experience sort of got left behind.”
My body aches because I hate the fact that she went through it alone. I know she had her family around her, but she didn’t have a partner or the man that put her in that position to be with her. It reminds me of my mother being pregnant and alone with me.
“How far along were you?”
“Only nine weeks,” she says with a sigh. “I’d just had a scan the week before. The whole experience feels like another lifetime. One moment, I’m debating my options and trying to decide if I was even going to keep the baby. The next, I was having a scan and hearing the heartbeat.”
She clears her throat and begins to mindlessly tear pieces off a slice of bread. “No one can prepare you for that sound. Their heartbeats are really fast in the beginning, and it sounds like the thunder of a galloping horse so it’s hard to believe it’s even a real baby. But the effect it had on me was immediate…which was bizarre because I never fancied myself a mum. I just couldn’t picture myself pregnant. Then, within seconds of hearing that sound, I knew I couldn’t possibly…” Her voice breaks on the end before adding, “Then, just as I began to come around to the idea of being a mum, I lost it. It was over before it even began.” She stops messing with the bread and wipes her hands on her jeans nervously. “Watching Freya’s belly grow isn’t a bother. I was never far enough along to even have that sensation.” Tilly smiles a bit wobbly. “But the other night, Mac placed his hand on Freya’s belly for a full hour waiting for a wee kick, and when it happened…”
Tilly’s voice trails off as tears slip freely down her cheeks. I leave the food at the stove to pull her into my arms. She huffs out a self-deprecating laugh. “It’s been years, Santino. I really don’t need to be comforted.”
“Why not?”
