Page 96 of Replay
Vaughn studies me for a long moment. “You don’t look well.”
“I’m fine.” I tighten my tie, realising just now that I’m probably a bit of a mess after a long day. “It’s just been a long week.”
“How can I help?”
“Vaughn.” With a laugh, I point at the door. “You have an entire bloody football club to manage out there. You don’t need to come in here and be my therapist for the day. My work isn’t suffering, I assure you.”
“I’m not talking about work right now, Santino.” Vaughn’s face goes serious, giving me the same look he carries for a week after a loss. “We’ve been working together for nearly a decade now, and I’ve never seen you like this.”
“Like what?”
“Devastated.”
I blink back at him. “I’m not devastated.”
“Son, you have dark circles under your eyes, and you look like you’ve lost weight. Hell, even your suit is a rumpled mess. I’ve never seen you in a wrinkled suit. You’re completely gutted right now.”
I glance down in horror as I realise I hadn’t even looked at myself in the mirror before I came to work today. I don’t even know if this suit was clean when I put it on. “I was running late.”
“Bollocks,” he scoffs, propping his elbows on his knees as he pins me with a hard glower. “Nearly every one of my children has botched up their relationships at some point. So, out with it, and let’s see what can be done.”
I rack my brain as I try to figure out how to tell my boss to kindly fuck off because any thoughts of Tilly Logan send me into an insomniac fit of despair. Instead, Jane Williams pops into my mind, so I decide to try another angle. “If someone had been hiding a secret from you…and they didn’t tell you because they cared about you and were trying to protect you…that’s okay, right? It’s the decent, moral thing to do?”
Vaughn’s brow furrows. “Are we talking about a child or an adult?”
“An adult, obviously.” I swallow the lump in my throat.
Vaughn sits back and thinks for a moment. “Well, adults can make their own decisions in life. They’ve earned that right.”
“Right…but let’s say this person was legally bound not to share.”
Vaughn frowns. “What does law have to do with love?”
My lips thin. “It’s complicated.”
“Well, uncomplicate it,” Vaughn snaps, tapping his fist on his knee. His eyes go dark as he adds, “I lost the love of my life many years ago, Santino, and that was truly complicated. It changed me to my core. I was broken, hollow, angry. I wasn’t right in the head. Nothing made sense without Vilma.”
My chest contracts with those familiar words because I’ve been lost all week long without Tilly. Unsure what to do, what to eat, how to feel. Tilly Logan came storming back into my life, and I fell into a comfortable routine with her almost immediately like she was always meant to be here…with me.
Now she’s out of my life, andI miss her.I miss the feel of her body against mine, and not just the sex. The sex was outstanding to be sure, but I miss touching her and watching her laugh when I tease her for being stubborn. I miss her calling me out for always laughing at my own jokes. I miss her twitching nose when she’s overthinking something. I miss having her in my bed and watching her sleep. She looked so innocent in those moments. Untainted and untouched by life’s horrors. Uncomplicated, just as she should be.
Christ, I’m in hell.
“What if what I’m doing is best for her, Vaughn?” I ask, no longer trying to make this conversation about Jane Williams because clearly, I’m not getting over Tilly anytime soon. “I don’t want to drag Tilly down into my darkness. I want her to live a beautiful life, and selfishly, I want her to live it with me, but she has to trust that I know what’s best for her in this particular situation.”
Vaughn shakes his head sadly. “I used to think I knew what was best for Vilma.” His nostrils flare as he sucks in a deep breath. “She was diagnosed with stage four cancer, and I forced her to do test after test, surgery after surgery. I made her see specialists and try different therapies. I made her do everything I thought was right and do you know what happened in the end? I ruined our love.” His voice trembles at the end, and I can see the haunting pain and torment in his eyes.
It’s like looking in a fucking mirror.
I swallow the painful knot in my throat. “But you were only trying to help. You loved her.”
Vaughn flinches. “Santino mate, I was trying to help myself because I wasn’t accepting reality. And trust me when I tell you that forcing your partner down a path that you think is right isn’t what love is.” He pins me with a serious look. “Love is sharing your joys and your sorrows. For better or worse.”
My jaw clenches as I shake my head with disgust. “You don’t know my sorrows. It’s too much for me, let alone anyone else.”
Vaughn leans forward. “Santino, my wife died of a cancer that wouldn’t leave her body. If you have the ability to cut your cancer out and be free of it, you need to do that and trust that the love you and Tilly share will be strong enough to heal that wound.”
His words have an immediate effect and they resonate so similarly to Tilly’s last week.“I’ve cut myself open and bled for you, Sonny. You got to be the bandage that mended me. Now you won’t let me even see your wound?”
