Page 103 of Replay
“I came back to Bourton and demanded Nonno tell me his name since my mother wouldn’t. I told him if he didn’t tell me, I was going to quit school. Keep in mind, I was the first in my family to go to university, so when I said these words, they were like a dagger to Nonno’s heart. They had saved every penny they earned at the shop to help pay for my education.
“That’s when he sat me down and told me my father was a monster and a rapist who wasn’t worth my time or attention. I felt like I’d been sucker punched. I felt dirty and wrong…like I had a monster’s blood in my veins. Then Nonno started crying. My stoic, straight-faced grandfather wept right in front of me. He said I was destined for bigger things because when you begin your life in tragedy, you must end your life in fortune. And the best way to get back at the man who hurt my mother was to be better than him. Make something of myself. Be successful. Finish school. Don’t let him win. He said my mother didn’t let him win and neither should I.”
I glance up and see tears falling freely down Tilly’s face. She quickly blinks them away, trying her hardest to remain composed. My hands ache as I realise they have been clenched into tight fists the entire time.
I try to relax them and continue, “As horrible as it was to hear all of that, it fucking worked. I turned my life around, finished law school at the top of my class, and landed a job with Bethnal Green.”
Tilly sniffs loudly, her voice garbled when she inquires, “Have you ever tried to find him?”
“That rapist?” I ask, my jaw clenching with anger, hating the taste of that word in my mouth, but knowing he doesn’t deserve any other label. “No, and I never will. I spoke to my uncle about it, and he said even breaking the bastard’s face didn’t relieve the pain in his heart over what happened. And in many ways, I think going to find him would be a betrayal to my mother. She says her life is exactly how it was meant to be, and she has a son to remind her of that every day.”
Tilly’s chin wobbles with unconcealed emotion. “That is exactly what I would expect her to say.”
I smile fondly and nod. “I thought finding a good job and being successful would be all I’d need to achieve in life to prove to myself that I’m more than where I came from.” I swallow the knot in my throat. “Until you, Tilly.”
“Me?” she croaks.
My heart thunders in my chest at her confused expression. “When I came to your flat that night, and you told me what had happened to you, it was the first time in my life that I cared about anyone other than myself. Before that moment, I’d never wanted anything long-term with a woman because I never wanted to be close enough to have to tell someone that I’m the spawn of a rapist.”
“Santino—” Tilly says my name sadly, but I shake her off.
“But when you were in your situation, I realised I was capable of more in life. I could care for you and make a child’s life better. I realise now that that was my white knight shit that you rightly called me out on. And I wasn’t offering to help for the right reasons then. I was offering because I wanted to give a baby the father I never had. But that wasn’t my responsibility. It was yours. Just like it was my mum’s.”
Tilly chokes back a sob and swipes haphazardly at her tears. “So, what does this all mean for us now?”
My face softens as I look at her and realise that her coming back into my life wasn’t an accident. We may have started off on the wrong foot five years ago, but that past brought us here today when we’re both changed and better and ready for a real life. It all happened for a reason.
I reach out and tuck a strand of hair behind her hear. She inhales sharply, waiting on bated breath for what I’m about to say next. “It means that I know now that I don’t want a baby with you to save you. I want a baby with you because I love you.”
“What?” she exclaims, her eyes wide, her voice a whisper. “You want a baby?”
“Yes.”
“You said you weren’t sure about kids.”
“I lied.”
“Santino, this is crazy.” She sits up on her knees beside me and scrubs her hands over her face. “We just got back together, and you’ve unloaded a very heavy weight you’ve been carrying for a long time. How could you possibly be thinking about babies with me?”
“We just had an eight-day fight,” I correct. Reaching out to hold her hand, I twine my fingers through hers, feeling a freedom in my heart that I’ve never experienced before. “And nothing in that fight diminished my feelings for you. Did what I just tell you change your feelings for me?”
“No,” she gasps, looking horrified. Her eyes pin me with sincerity as she cups my face, forcing me to look into her eyes. “My God, Santino. Not even a little. How on earth could you ever think I would love you less after knowing that?”
Her question causes my body to unfurl a pain that I’ve buried deep inside me and desperately tried to ignore. A pain of not knowing how much of that monster actually lives inside me.
“I’ve struggled to shake this feeling of shame that I wasn’t created from an act of love…that my existence is because of a traumatic experience for my mum by the hands of a monster.” I lift my eyes to Tilly, a stinging in my nose as I add, “I know my family loves me, but they’re obligated to love me. That’s why after you left, I became determined to find a partner in life that could accept me knowing my full story. That felt like the only way I could ever forgive myself.”
Tilly inhales sharply, her eyes welling with tears as she sighs. “Oh, Sonny.”
I clear my throat. “Then when you and I got together again…and I…fell in love with you…” My voice trembles, and I have to take a deep breath in for strength. “The stakes suddenly became so much higher, and the idea that you could look at me with shame was a reality I was too terrified to face.”
Our eyes hold each other for a second before Tilly throws herself against my chest, cinching her arms around my neck as she shakes with emotion and mumbles against my shoulder, “Santino, you’ve got it all wrong.” She pulls back to look at me, and her tears cause my own to fall. Tears that I rarely shed. She swipes at my cheeks with her thumbs and adds, “I know what happened to your mum is awful, but don’t forget that your existence is the product of countless love stories before that. Nonno and Nonna, their parents before that, and their parents before that. All those love stories paved the way for your wonderful existence. I’m sorry that happened to your mother, but I’m happy you’re here, and nothing will ever change that.”
Her words have an instant effect, and I grab her behind the neck and kiss her firmly, harshly, desperately. I want to feel the weight of her, the reality of her, the comfort of her. I want to commit this moment to memory as our lips dance together.
My mother has said similar words to me, Nonno, Nonna too…even Bart. They’ve all told me that my existence is important and special. But coming from the woman I love. Coming from Tilly Logan, someone I can see spending my whole life with…it’s everything I’ve been searching for. She knows me now, body and soul, and I will do everything in my power to stay worthy of her.
I pull back, my breath shaky as I murmur against her lips, “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that, Tilly.”
