Page 75 of The Backtrack
Bonnie pulled at the ends of her sleeves. “I know it’s hard to imagine, or even to forgive me, but I was suffering from depression. I didn’t know what else to do except leave. Pearl, you know, she’s from a different generation of women. When I told her something was wrong, she told me that I needed to get a hobby. When I said it didn’t help, she told me I was being selfish. And it’s not her fault—that’s how she was raised. They didn’t talk about mental health back then. She just didn’t think what I was going through was real. She made me feel worse, like I was crazy for having any feeling that wasn’t gratitude.”
Bonnie must be crazy for leaving this, Pearl would say when they sat on the beach.You’re crazy!Pearl would scream at Bonnie during their epic fights. Sam had always cringed at Pearl’s use of the word, but she didn’t know what to believe.
“If I didn’t leave when I did, I’m not sure I’d be here today. I felt so stuck and broken, like I was drowning. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Bonnie searched Sam’s eyes for understanding, and Samdidunderstand what she was saying. Or at least, her visions of Alt-Sam saying a similar thing to Damon helped her to. After the miscarriage and failed eye surgery, Alt-Sam said she’d felt stuck and broken and needed to leave. Had Bonnie felt the same? Alt-Sam hadn’t had a baby, but her mom had. Alt-Sam arguably had more choices than Bonnie had at the same age. So part of Sam could understand that her mom had feltstuck, even if Sam had been the thing keeping her that way.
“Why didn’t you bring me with you?” she asked.
Bonnie kicked a spot of sand as they walked. “I didn’t think I’d be gone for very long. I could barely take care of myself at that point. I’d been self-medicating with drinking, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of you. I waited as long as I could. And then you were fourteen, and you seemed so grown-up. Looking back, I know you were just a kid. You needed me. But then, your grandma convinced me that maybe you didn’t.”
“What do you mean?” Sam started, but then stopped herself. She didn’t want to seem insensitive, but she also didn’t totally buy what Bonnie was pushing. “Grandma convinced you that I didn’t need a mother?”
“That’s not what I meant to say,” Bonnie said. “Grandma Pearl wanted what was best for you. And she told me your life was better without me in it.”
“She wouldn’t say that.” Sam scowled to herself. How many nights had Sam spent sobbing into Pearl’s shoulder, askingwhyher mom had left andwhenshe would be back. There was no way her grandma would keep them apart, not when she knew how broken Sam was over the loss.
“I was there, honey.” Bonnie gritted her teeth. “My memory isn’t always perfect, but I do remember your grandmother telling me not to come back once I decided to leave. That’s a hard one to forget.” Bonnie looked out to the ocean and the gulls cautiously circling over the water as if gauging whether or not the storm would return. “But all you need to do is ask her about it.”
Sam took a deep inhale and studied her mom. Why would Bonnie lie about something like this? Why would her grandma omit this fact from her? She’d ask Pearl for the real story, but for now, she still had questions for the Leto in front of her.
“Do you regret having me?” Sam asked.
Bonnie shook her head. “Depression is a nasty thing. I remember when I had you, I was terrified. I thought I would accidentally drop you, or you’d die in your sleep, or I’d do something wrong. You were this tiny, helpless little thing. I’d gone from high school to being a mom, and I just wasn’t ready for any of that responsibility. I had no idea what I was doing. You have a baby, and then they send you home and there’s no help. No instruction manual. They just expect you to figure everything out on your own. But it was just me and your grandma.”
But Bonnie hadn’t been responsible for Sam. She’d given that job to Pearl. Sam decided to also keep that thought to herself, for the moment, at least.
“I got better, I thought. You grew and grew. I mean‚ you were three years old and up to my belly button. Always so tall.” Bonnie shook her head at the memory. “Things got easier. But then I’d get depressed on and off. Some days I could barely leave the house, and your grandma would get so frustrated with me. She couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just get out of bed. By the time you were in middle school, you had your own life separate from mine. And I just thought,Maybe she’d be better off without me altogether. So I left after you started high school. In hindsight, I realize that was my depression doing the thinking for me.”
Sam remembered her mom holing herself up in her bedroom. But at the time, she’d assumed her mom just didn’t want to see Pearl, or her. That was how Bonnie had always been—moody, hard to read and in ever-shifting moods. Sam never considered the possibility that it was the result of anything other than Bonnie’s wanting to be anywhere else.
Bonnie sniffled, trying to hold back her emotions. “I don’t regret having you,” she said through a sob. “I just wish I’d gotten help sooner so I could’ve been the parent you deserved instead of the one you ended up with. Deep down, I always loved you. I hope you know that.” Bonnie’s hand reached for Sam, but then her mom seemed to think better of it and pulled back.
“Why did you wait until now to come back?” Sam couldn’t hide the skepticism in her voice this time.
Bonnie looked out at the sand ahead of them before answering. “When your grandma called to tell me she was selling the house and you were coming back, I just thought that maybe this could be my chance to finally tell you the truth about why I left and how sorry I am. I didn’t tell your grandma I was coming, because I was afraid she’d talk me out of it again.”
Sam’s eyes narrowed as she processed what Bonnie had said. Grandma Pearl had always firmly stood by the fact that Bonnie never reached out, but now her mom was suggesting that shehadwanted to come sooner.
“That’s not true,” Sam said. “You didn’t reach out at all.”
Bonnie stopped walking, which forced Sam to stop walking. She took Sam’s hands and said, “It’s true that I didn’t reach out for a long time. I had to find a therapist, and get on medication and I was so ashamed of both of those things that I didn’t feel I even deserved to be your mom. But eventually, when I was sober, and stable and had my own place, I called. I told Pearl I was coming, but she told me you were doing better without me and I don’t know, I believed her.”
Maybe Sam was getting too much information all at once, but her head felt heavy. She squatted down and put her head in her hands and massaged her temples. This was a lot, too soon, and too fast. She didn’t know what to think or believe—either her mom was telling the truth and her grandma had lied, or Bonnie was lying to her now.
“Sam.” Bonnie’s voice was laced with concern. She dropped down and rubbed a hand over Sam’s back. They stayed like that for a good long while, and Sam was surprised to find that Bonnie’s hand gently soothing herwashelpful.
A ping from Bonnie’s phone broke the moment, and she said, “Grandma got the all-clear to go into the house so we can get our things. Should we head home? I’m so sorry to tell you all of this. I’m sure it’s a lot. We don’t have to—”
“Stop,” Sam managed to say. “Please, just stop.”
“Okay.” Bonnie stood and held out a hand, which Sam took. As she stood, she couldn’t help but clock the sad expression on Bonnie’s face. Maybe sadder than she’d ever looked before.
32
When they got back, Bonnie pushed open the screen door on the back porch. “Mama?” she called out. “Where are you?”
“In the living room!” Grandma Pearl shouted back. “We’re going through some of the things we salvaged from Sam’s room.”
