Page 105 of Morning Glory Girl
“It does,” Mimi said.
“Am I missing something? Should I feel more nervous about it than I do? Because the idea ofnotbeing there, with both of them, is so much scarier to me than the responsibility I’d be taking on trying to learn how to be a mom.” I thought about the conversation we had with Luna in the car after she lost her tennis match, how Luke encouraged me. He didn’t want me on the sidelines, that much was clear. We’d be a team. In a way, we already were. “The idea of not being there as she grows up feels like a knife in the stomach,” I added.
“Then I think you have your answer,” Mimi said, sincerity shining clear in her eyes.
I nodded, brows furrowing.Why do I always let what other people say make me question myself?
As if she could sense my need for more reassurance, she went on, “Life is never what we picture. It gets complicated whether it starts out that way or not.” The wisdom of her words struck me. “Now that they’re in your life, what doyouwant?”
“I want to be with Luke. I want to be the best mother, or mother figure, I can to Luna. I want to write, and keep figuring out what makes me truly happy, because it wasn’t climbing the corporate ladder.” I paused. “But I also want to get married and have some of our own children someday, too.”
Mimi’s smile reached her eyes. “I don’t see any reason you couldn’t have all those things.”
“But Luna deserves a real mother, someone who loves her unconditionally. And if I still want to have my own children, will she feel left out?” I asked, voicing a fear I’d barely formed or articulated, even to myself.
“You wouldn’t let that happen.” Mimi reached for my hand on the kitchen table, her hand soft and delicate, resting on mine. “Val, I have known you your entire life, and your heart is so big. Your capacity to love is infinite. You already love that little girl, I can tell.”
My chest constricted and my eyes filled. “I do,” I choked out. Mimi stood up and pulled her chair next to mine so she could wrap an arm around my shoulders.
“You’ll be an amazing mother figure, an amazing female role model for her after she hasn’t had one for a long time. You’ll give her the chance to be a mother’s daughter and, hopefully, a big sister someday.” Mimi gave my shoulder a squeeze and dipped her head to look at me. “What a beautiful thing after all that she lost. All that Luke lost, too.”
I nodded, not able to form words over the lump in my throat. After a few watery blinks and deep breaths, I said, “I already love her so much, I couldn’t love her any more.” I wanted to be there for every one of Luna’s first days of school, all her graduations, her wedding, and all of her triumphs and losses.When did I get so invested?It snuck up on me, and it couldn’t be undone.
“I know,” Mimi said. I could tell she believed me.
“But this is so complicated. What if I get attached to her, and to Luke, and then I’m the one that gets hurt?”I’m already in too deep.I couldn’t imagine leaving them, but what if he left me?
“Do you think that’s going to happen? What do you feel in your gut?” Her tone was leading, like she already knew what she thought, but she wanted me to get there on my own.
I hadn’t asked myself that question before. I swiped under my eyes, considering. I had always trained myself to assume my relationships might not last, because none of my prior relationships had. But with Luke, it felt so different.
“Caring for and about others seems to come so naturally for you. You’re intuitive and creative and empathetic.”
“Stay.”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“I want to be near you all the time, talk to you all the time. Touch you all the time.”
“I can guarantee you, there is no way you’re any more attached than I already am.”
“No,” I said to Mimi, my tears quelled for the moment. “I don’t think that’s going to happen. My gut is telling me he’s just as invested as I am.”
36
Ipicked Luna up from her final sailing practice later that day. Their regatta was tomorrow, and that marked the end of the summer season. Clara’s mom and I took the girls to get ice cream. They bounced back quickly from yesterday’s loss, already talking excitedly about the regatta and their back-to-school plans.
Melting cups of ice cream in hand—mint chip for me, cookie dough for Luna—the four of us sat on a bench facing the harbor, watching the boats dock and leave, and the group of ducks floating in the water right near the edge, hoping for scraps of bread and potato chips from passing children. Sunlight reflected off the choppy waves in a way that made the surface look like it was covered in sparkling diamonds. The slight breeze made the August heat more bearable.
It made me nostalgic for my own childhood, sitting on these same benches, eating ice cream with Drew and my parents or grandparents—whoever we’d convinced to take us into town for a frozen dessert. Sometimes we were in regular clothes, coming down from Mimi’s house before or after dinner, and other times we were still in our damp bathing suits, sand sticking to our feet and legs, coming directly from the beach.
I watched Luna from the corner of my eye, happily licking hercone, swinging her little legs back and forth, chatting with her friend, her dark hair a wild mess only half contained by her ponytail. Freckles that weren’t there when I met her in May dotted her cheeks. She had Luke’s same deep brown eyes and enviable eyelashes. Her smiles were like sunshine in spring, and looking at her, seeing her happy, filled me up.
I wonder if this is how Luke feels all the time.
When we got home, Luna didn’t protest heading right upstairs for a shower. Then we settled into the air-conditioned living room, me with my book, Luna with an animated movie she liked. I heard the rumble of a truck pulling into the driveway, but after a few minutes the telltale sound of a car door closing hadn’t come. Maybe it was just a car going by. I read a few more lines, but my curiosity and uncontained excitement for Luke to be home had my feet carrying me to the window.
His truck was in the driveway, but he stayed in the front seat, arm draped over the steering wheel, head resting on his forearm.
