Page 108 of Keepsake
Best,
Zach
Dear Lark,
I started this letter a hundred times, because I want to show you some love in a way that’s not a burden. My quandary: I don’t want to ask your forgiveness at a time when you’re already going through a lot.
But Iamsorry. You were offended that I kept a secret from you. It didn’t feel good, trust me. So I’m just going to try to explain why.
Having you as my friend and roommate in college was the best thing ever. From the minute we met I loved you as a friend. You made college more fun every single day. And no matter what shenanigans we got up to, I knew you had my back.
That’s just priceless. I love you so hard for it.
So when I started to realize I was attracted to you, it scared me. I wasn’t expecting that to happen, and I had no idea what to think. Honestly I just hoped it would go away. I dated boys. And of course I fooled around with that girl down the hall.
That incident didn’t help, either. I did it because I was trying to have an “aha!” moment about sex with girls. I thought I’d love it or hate it, and then I’d learn something important about myself. But it was just meh, because I wasn’t very attracted to her. So I became more confused, not less.
Whenever you and I were together, though, I never worried. We were friends and that was more important than anything. I always knew you loved me. I also knew you’d never love methatway.
The year that dad died you were AMAZING. Seriously. I was so blindsided and afraid and mad and sad. It was an awful, awful time. But you were justthere. You hugged me and steered me through the funeral. Afterward, you collected notes from all the classes I’d missed. I wouldn’t have made it through that semester without you. Not kidding, here. I would have dropped out and set myself back a semester.
I’m so, so grateful. Pass the tissues. :(
But I only loved you more after that. I didn’t tell you how I felt because I didn’t want to scare you off. If our friendship had dimmed even 1% from my confession, that would have been unacceptable to me. So I just sat on this big secret. I swallowed all these feelings knowing that it was a big lie of omission but I didn’t feel like I had a choice.
Believe me, I never doubted your worth as a friend. Not for two seconds did I worry that you’d reject me or anyone else for being queer. I know you better than that. If the object of my attraction would have conveniently beenanyoneelse, ours would have been an easy conversation.
I just didn’t want to make it weird between us. So I ended up making it weird between us. Ugh. I’m so sorry.
Part of the work I’ve been doing in AA is talking about my bisexuality. Some of my drinking had to do with not wanting to face that. The more people I talk to, the more I hear that crushing on your best friend is a queer rite of passage. So thanks for making me a cliché, babe. :) Thanks a ton.
I know you’re going through a lot, so I don’t feel like I should ask anything of you. But all I want is this: when you’re ready, please let me know that we can get past this? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what was in my heart. Please forgive me.
Love always,
May
Dear May,
I’m not feeling very eloquent yet, but I had to respond to your letter. I love you so much, and I’m sorry to have ever inadvertently caused you any pain. I don’t blame you even a little bit for keeping your secret. There’s no Best Friend Clause which requires you spill your guts when you’re not ready.
I probably would have done the exact same thing.
If one of us owes an apology, it’s me. I came to Vermont with a heavy burden. There probablyisa Best Friend Clause which demands that if you show up at your best friend’s front door feeling like a grenade with the pin pulled, you should probably warn a girl.
So the moment when Daphne spilled your secret was a moment when I just couldn’t handle one more emotion. I felt like the most toxic human alive. Like I’d spent the last two months just inflicting all my issues on your family. And Zach. :( To hear that I’d also hurt you made me feel terrible.
But reading your letter has reminded me of something important. I forgot about that time after your father died, and how much you needed me. I’ve spent the last couple of months hating my own neediness and feeling terrible for it. But of course I didn’t judge your moment of need at all. I was happy to be there for you.
The circumstances weren’t the same, of course. But my doctor has been trying to convince me to cut myself a break. To stop feeling so much guilt.
Your letter just made that a little easier. So thank you.
Again, I apologize for trying not to let you know how bad things were with me. I thought I could shove it under the mat and pick apples and forget.
You mean so much to me. That will never ever change.
Love,
