Page 24 of Goodbye Paradise
I rolled to face the wall, shutting Caleb out, trying to think.
Suddenly, everything looked so different to me. Caleb never meant to leave Miriam behind at all. But he’d had to, because he’d inadvertently got me tossed. He obviously thought I couldn’t manage to stay alive by myself. He couldn’t have that on his conscience.
The truth settled into my stomach like a chunk of lead.
It was so quiet in the truck right then that you could hear the engine cooling. But finally the tire guys arrived, and Washington and Caleb got out of the truck. I stayed behind, curled into a ball on the bunk.
The tire was changed, somehow. I didn’t watch. And when Caleb and Washington returned to the truck, Caleb came into the back to see me. He sat down and put a hand on my back. “I’m sorry,” he said gently.
I ignored him.
But I was sorry, too. So sorry to be so useless all the time.
After a little while Caleb gave up the vigil and went back to sit in the passenger seat.
“We’re stopping for the night at the next exit,” Washington said eventually. “You two can wash up, and then stay in the truck again. Same rules as last night.”
“Thank you sir,” Caleb said quietly.
Six
WHEN WASHINGTON LEFT US togo to his hotel, I was still snubbing Caleb. The truck door was locked, but I hadn’t spoken to him yet. I slid into the passenger seat and looked out the side window.
“Have the bunk,” Caleb offered. He was still trying to get me to say something.
“No thanks,” I mumbled.
Caleb sat down on the bunk with a long sigh. “I don’t get why you’re so pissed at me. We couldn’t stay at the Compound, anyway. If it wasn’t now, they would have tossed you some other time. And it wasn’t justyou, Josh. Suppose my grandfather died? Or one of his allies stabbed him in the back? They would have tossed me, too. We werealwaysgoing to end up where we are right now. Gun or no gun.”
For every word that he added to his excuses, my heart ached. “Stop, okay? Juststoptrying to make me believe you. If you keep pretending that youmeantto run away with me, I just feel worse.”
“Josh,” he gasped. “I’m not pretending. It’s my life, and I wasn’t going to spend it in that little fuckingwasteland.”
“I get that. But I think you meant to run with Miriam.”
“Oh goodGod,” he thundered. “That’s just not true! How many times do I have to say it?”
“You can stop anytime,” I said miserably. For two days, I’d been so happy he was with me. Being with Caleb was all I ever wanted, even if I couldn’t have him thewaythat I wanted. And now I was sure it was all a big mistake.
For a few minutes it was very, very quiet.
“Josh,” he said eventually, his voice thick. “I didn’t want to do this here. In a truck, at a gas station.”
“Do what?”
He took a deep breath and let it out. “Come here.”
I’d been feeling so sullen that I almost didn’t obey. But since it was almost impossible for me to refuse Caleb anything, I swung out of the passenger’s seat and went over to the bunk. Caleb sat up, patting the edge of the mattress.
I perched on the edge, and Caleb tilted his head, studying me. I let myself look into his eyes. It was allowed, because that’s what he was doing. “I’m going to try something, and hopefully you won’t freak out.”
“Okay?” That was a strange thing to say. But even though I had no clue what came next, I wasn’t nervous. I could never be afraid of Caleb. It just wasn’t possible. I could be angry at him sometimes. But never afraid.
“Turn toward me.”
I shifted my knees so that I faced him more directly.
Caleb reached a hand up to cup the side of my face, dragging his rough thumb across my top lip.
