Page 56 of Goodbye Paradise
I gave him another poke with my toe. “No. Manliness.”
Josh groaned. “So what if I do? As you pointed out yourself, I spent years listening to a bunch of assholes question mine.”
This was true. It’s just that it was plain as day to me that the people who had put Josh down only did it to boost themselves up. Like the hens in my mother’s chicken coop, they pecked at anyone ranked below them. As their favorite target, though, I guessed Josh couldn’t see that as easily as I could.
“Josh?”
“Mmm?”
“If youweren’ta man, I wouldn’t want you so bad, like I do. That’s the thing with me.”
He gave me a funny little disbelieving smile.
“Do you know why I don’t hold the baby very often? It’s not because I think it’s women’s work.”
“You don’t want her to pee on you? It happens.”
I laughed. “No, but thanks for the warning. It’s because she scares me. Like I won’t know what to do, and she’ll start screaming and everybody will look at me and wonder what I did wrong.”
His eyebrows lifted. “That’s ridiculous. Any idiot with two hands can hold a baby. One hand is actually fine, too.” He swung his feet off over mine and off the couch. “You can practice right now, because I really have to pee.” He stood up and set the baby onto my chest, into my arms. Then he left.
I looked down at the little round face, which, besides her little starfish hands, was the only visible part. The rest of her was covered in pink fleece pajamas with yellow sheep on them. “Hi,” I said quietly. “Please don’t cry, okay?”
She gave me an appraising squint, as if thinking it over.
“I’ll be your best friend,” I offered. “When Josh and I have our own place, you can visit sometimes. I’ll teach you how to change the oil on your car. It will save you forty bucks.”
She wrinkled her nose, as if maybe she didn’t like this idea.
“Okay, fine. I’ll change the oil for you. You don’t even have to get your hands dirty. Do we have a deal?”
Her mouth scrunched up. I was pretty sure she was about to let loose with a wail.
In the back of the house, a toilet flushed. That meant I was sixty seconds away from relief. “Amazing grace,” I sang. Badly. “How sweet the sound.”
She howled. I gave up singing and rocked her a little. Sort of. “Josh!” I yelled.
Josh came trotting back into the room. “What happened?” He scooped the baby up and began bouncing his knees, saying “shh, shh.”
“She doesn’t like me. She can tell I’m afraid. The way a dog smells fear.”
Josh rolled his eyes. “It’s late. I think she’s just tired.” He made a lap around the room, and the crying tapered off. By the time it stopped, the baby was asleep on his shoulder.
Gingerly, he sat down again, and I put my feet in his lap. When Daniel and Maggie weren’t home, I could be more affectionate. Someday, we’d have our own place. And I was going to touch him every chance I got. And, just as I was enjoying this thought, I heard a voice call out “I’m home!” from the mudroom.
I yanked my feet off Josh and put them on the floor. “We’re in here,” I said in a low voice, mindful of the sleeping baby.
Two minutes later, Daniel appeared in the doorway. He walked over to his favorite upholstered chair and sat heavily in it.
“Where’s Maggie?” Josh asked quickly.
“They admitted her to the psych ward overnight.” Daniel dropped his head into his hands. “She’ll be okay, though. There’s going to be medication. And if that doesn’t work, there are other medicines they can try.”
Josh and I were quiet for a minute, unsure what to say.
“I mean…” Daniel continued. “Theysayit’s going to be okay. But she still looks like a mess. And she can’t breastfeed the baby anymore, because of the meds. So she was crying about that.”
“But there’s always baby formula,” I said quickly.
