Page 83 of Goodbye Paradise
It took about sixty seconds to stack up all his belongings. In a year, we hadn’t accumulated much.
“There,” I said, straightening up. “We can get your toothbrush out of the bathroom, and move Miriam’s things in here. Won’t take but ten minutes.” I turned around to face him again.
Tears. There were tears running down his face. “Josh, never meant to hurt you.”
My blood pressure was still off the charts. I could feel it throbbing in my neck. But somehow my voice was still steady. “You said that already. But it didn’t meanshit. So pardon me if I don’t need to hear it again. Now pick up your clothes and get out.”
“Josh,” he swallowed and his throat worked. “I can’t think straight. Ever since last night, when I heard her tell Maggie…”
“OUT!” I screamed. I stomped over to the window, the only one on the loft level. There was no screen in it yet, which only made my job easier. With shaking hands I pressed the latches and flung it upwards. Then I marched over to the bed and grabbed an armful of Caleb’s stuff. Three seconds later, I’d flung it out into the bitter night. “That,” I spat. “…Is what you just did to me. Threw me away like garbage. Did you see that? Should I show you again?” My voice was shaking now, and my legs were unsteady beneath me. But I staggered over to the bed and bent over, gathering up the rest of Caleb’s clothes.
“Stop,” he whispered. He put two big hands on my forearms, and held me in place. “Just stop.”
“Why should I?” I cried, my voice finally breaking. “I’m the only one making sense.”
“Just…” he took a big, sobbing breath, and military-crawled toward me. He stretched his arms onto my back and tried to gather me up.
“Getoffme,” I whispered.
“I don’twantto leave you,” he bit out.
“You don’t get to say that now.” I tried to hold myself together. “Nobodygets to throw me away, youshit.”
“I’mpanickedhere!”
“I DON’T FUCKING CARE!” I bucked, shoving him off my body. “At least when Ezra got out the duct tape for my hands and feet, he didn’t try to pretend he was doing the world a favor!”
“Josh…!”
“GET OUT! Right now. Go find your jeans outside.” I was still lying on the bed, my arms half on top of a pile of T-shirts. It was a ridiculous pose. But I turned my head to the side where I couldn’t see him at all.
There was a long silence. I found myself holding my breath. I’d just ordered him repeatedly to leave. And now I was terrified that he would.
And then he did.
The sound of the outer door downstairs broke me in half.
Twenty-Five
IMUST HAVE SLEPT. Because I woke up in a panic, sitting up in the dark, my heart pounding.
“Josh?” A female voice was calling my name.
“Yeah?” My voice was rough, almost unrecognizable.
“Can I come up?”
If only my heart rate would decline. I reached over and switched on a lamp, which was sitting on a little table that Maggie had found in her attic. So many little details had gone into making this place habitable. But it was all so foreign to me. Like I’d fallen into this unfamiliar world, and all I wanted was to go back to the old one. Crawling into our old bed with Caleb in the house together — that’s all I needed.
Things had been so simple for a while. And now they… weren’t.
Maggie appeared at the top of the loft steps. “Are you okay? You haven’t eaten.”
“What time is it?” I rasped.
“Ten. I brought you barley soup.” She sat down on the end of the bed and took a piece of foil off of my favorite mug. The blue one with the chip in the rim.
She passed it to me, along with a spoon.
