Page 9 of Goodbye Paradise
The engine still ran, blowing exhaust into my face. I began to cough.
Ezra moved away, his feet crunching on the gravel. Then I heard the truck’s door open and shut.
Then they drove away.
For a little while I sat there, stunned and wheezing. The cold seeped into my trousers, and the wind whistled past.
Eventually, I began to tug at the tape on my ankles. When it was all torn off, I finally stood. I found myself in a weedy field, about fifty yards from the roadway. And in the distance, I saw buildings which made up the outskirts of Casper. It had been ten years since I’d come through here for school. But I recognized the approach into town.
Putting one foot in front of the other, I walked into town. The bus station was on a windblown strip behind a gas station and across the street from a hotel.
I went inside, where there was a ticket window and a few benches. Feeling self-conscious, I sat down to wait.
For a long time, there was nobody else in the room except for my new friend, the constant headache. (And, thanks to Ezra, I also had a lump on my forehead from hitting the tool shed door.)
As the day wore on, people began to collect in the room. There were young men with backpacks, and a family of four. They made me feel less conspicuous, until a bus pulled up, and they all got on. After that, I was alone again, and probably looking more suspicious by the minute.
Eventually, a security guard I’d seen passing through twice before came to stand in front of me. “Are you a passenger?” he asked me.
Somehow I found my voice. “I will be. I’m waiting for someone.”
It sounded ridiculous, I was sure. But even so, he seemed to accept that answer, and he walked away.
But for how much longer?
I was afraid to leave the waiting area, because I had no idea when Caleb might turn up. I’d never asked for the details of his plan, which now seemed stupid. I didn’t even know if he planned to come today, or not.
Eventually I got up and went into the men’s room. Washing up as best I could, I wished I’d brought a toothbrush. And then that errant desire made me smile in the mirror. Of all the things I could wish for in the world, like a home to go back to or even a hot meal, I was missing mytoothbrush?
And I used to think I was so smart.
Back in the waiting room, I kept the vigil. My stomach growled, but I ignored it as best I could. The envelope that Ezra had shoved into my pocket contained exactly $50. If I was running away with Caleb, I would need all of it.
The afternoon wore into early evening, and the light began to fade, taking with it my bravado. If it was five o’clock, that meant I’d last seen Caleb ten hours ago.
Was that right? My head was cloudy, and my throat burned. I took another trip to the men’s room to gulp water out of my palm. On the way back, I felt unsteady on my feet. It was probably because I hadn’t eaten.
Or had I? Somehow, the details weren’t as clear as they should have been.
“You,” someone said, kicking my foot. “The place is closing.”
My head snapped up. I’d fallen asleep in my hands. Where was I? It was dark outside, and a man in a uniform was staring down at me. Police? No. He didn’t have a gun. But he had a mean face.
“I’m going,” I said, rising quickly. The room swam, and I put a hand out to catch myself on the wall.
The man gave an angry grunt. “You can’t sleep it off here. Don’t come back tomorrow.”
Pulling myself together, I headed out the door. It was surprisingly cold outside. Still unsteady, I kept one hand on the cinderblock wall. Where was I headed? No place, that’s where. And I was just sotired.
Bus station, Caleb had said. But Iwasat the bus station.
Stumbling, I followed the wall around, to the rear of the building. There was nothing there but an empty parking lot, and a few scrubby bushes. With the wall at my back, I sank down on my haunches. I needed a plan. But first I needed to rest…
* * *
My dreams were crazy. Later I’d realize they were fever dreams. But at the time they were terrifying. Ezra showed up to slap me in the face again.
And then the devil taunted me. I couldn’t see him, but I could hear his sinister voice.Sinner, he hissed.You are deserted because you are a worthless faggot. Everyone knows. Caleb isn’t coming for you. Nobody ever will.
