Page 90 of Goodbye Paradise
As much as I wanted to hold Josh right now, I didn’t know where we stood. And the poor guy was sleeping. So, to escape the temptation, I slipped out of bed. On the main level, I took a long shower, cleansing myself of sweat and whiskey and yesterday’s mistakes. Then, wrapped in a towel, I made myself a piece of buttered toast and then ate it standing at the sink. I put the coffee on, too, but left it to drip. In our bathroom, I drank two tall glasses of water and brushed my teeth aggressively.
It was almost ten o’clock now, and I was lonely for Josh. So I went back up to the loft and dropped my towel, lying down again in the bed.
Josh was just as I’d left him, the sheets half-way down his back, exposing the honey-colored skin of his shoulders. If I went any longer without touching him, I would die.
Scooting toward him, I palmed his lower back. My hand met warm skin and firm muscle. He was beautiful and alive, and I don’t know how I thought, even for a few hours, that I could give him up.
Sleepy eyes flickered open, and he studied me from under the fringe of his soft hair.
“Good morning,” I whispered. He didn’t say anything, but neither did he turn away. So I scooted closer, then reached for him, pulling his upper body onto my chest.
With a sigh, Josh settled into me, throwing one knee over mine, burying his face in my neck. We just lay there quietly, while I wondered how things would go between us now. I put my arms around him, my palms flat on his lower back. The more of him that I could hold and touch at once, the less awful I’d feel.
I ran my hands up his back slowly, pressing firmly on all the muscle I felt there. And then I ran them down again, my fingertips digging in just the way he liked.
I didn’t get a moan or an appreciative wiggle, though. Josh was silent.
Sticking my nose in his hair, I inhaled. The clean scent of him was almost enough to make me feel better. I palmed the back of his neck and held him close. Then I let my hands dance all the way down his back, onto his waist. With strong fingers, I massaged the muscles of his lower back. Then I slid my hands down into his boxers, rubbing gentle circles into his ass. Just touching him.Lovinghim.
If he shifted against me, I would find a way. If he pushed closer, or spread himself for me, I would know that it was okay to ask for more. But that didn’t happen. He remained still, his sadness rising like mist around us.
“I love you,” I whispered, even though it was too little too late. “I’m sorry I freaked out yesterday. It wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t right.”
Josh let out a slow sigh against me. But if I wasn’t mistaken, he melted into my chest just a little bit.
“You feel so good, baby,” I whispered. “Let me love you.”
He didn’t say yes. But he also didn’t say no.
By now, I was feeling all kinds of arousal. My cock was hard, and laying against my belly. And everywhere we were connected, my skin was on fire.
I would never stop wanting Josh. No matter how big an idiot I was, he would always have this effect on me. Always.
Taking his hand, the one that he’d flung over my chest, I kissed his knuckles. Then I put that hand on my belly, where my hair thickened as it approached my groin. It was a place that I knew he loved to touch me.
Sure enough, his fingers sifted through that fine hair. As I stroked the skin over his taut ass, I felt his breath hitch.
I turned my head and spoke right into his ear. “I’m so hard for you right now. That’s never going to change. Whether I’m stupid or smart, and whether you still love me anymore, or not. I never could help loving you. It’s just the way that I’m wired.”
Josh became very, very still. I could feel him resisting the pull of me, and I didn’t really blame him. It couldn’t be easy to just roll over and let the man who broke your heart yesterday fuck you.
I thought about this for a second. But only for a second. Because I knew what I needed to do.
Hiking up a knee on the bed, I spread myself a little bit. Then I took Josh’s hand off my belly, and I draped it across my balls, until his fingertips hung down between my legs. “Josh,” I whispered. “Will you fuck me?”
First, he made a small noise of surprise. Then he turned his head away from me, as if to think. But his hand, with those beautiful long fingers, reached down, skimming my taint.
Damn, that felt good. “Yeah,” I encouraged him. “I want you right there. Do this for me.”
With a sigh, he raised himself up on an elbow, finally looking me in the eye. “Why?” he whispered. “Why now? You never asked for that before.”
I pulled his head down, right on my chest. “Sometimes I fantasize about getting fucked by you. But I never told you. It’s because I always needed to maintain this illusion that I could be inchargeof everything. Like, if I let go of the reins for a second, everything would fall apart.”
For this explanation, I received a very gentle kiss to my left nipple. It was the first kiss I’d gotten from Josh for forty-eight hours. So that was something.
“I get it now. I can’t always be in charge,” I continued. “There is so much out of my control. And I hate that. But I need to get over myself.”
Josh kissed my chest again. “You think if I fuck you, you can get over yourself?”
