Page 20 of Hello Forever
I had to dig deep to find the guts to answer. “Well…this doesn’t leave theroom,okay?”
His face dropped. “You cantrustme.”
“Um…” I gave a nervous chuckle. “Amy will be the only girlfriend I ever have.” It was difficult to meet his eyes, but I managed it. And in his expression I felt warmth reflected back to me. “But if I want to have contact with my brothers, I can’t…date anyone else,” I said. “The old man lets me do a lot of his childrearing. But if I lived my life the way I want, he’d cut off contact. And I wouldn’t be able to keep in touch and make sure they’re beingtreatedwell.”
He set down his drink. “That is damneddepressing,Cax.”
“I know. But it’s only six or seven moreyears.” I knew I soundedbitter.
“Jesus.”
There was a sad silence at the table. Having unburdened myself, I ate the last of mychicken.
“I’m sorry you’re in such a bind,” he saidsoftly.
“Thanks. It is what it is. People have lived throughworse.”
“So when I need to know if there are any gay bars in the Berkshires, I shouldn’taskyou?”
My heart stumbled over the idea of Axel out on the prowl, living his life while I hunched over my books. “Never been to a gay bar.Sorry.”
“I don’t think I’m going to find one here, anyway,” he said quietly. “But maybe you could tell me instead—where should I go in this town? I mean generally. And, well, whereshouldn’tIgo?”
That was a good question. “Not like I’m an expert on the subject, but the town of Henning is a pretty safe place to be queer. Ten miles in any direction it’s pretty rural. But still—this is Massachusetts. The most liberal place onearth.”
He grinned. “Good to know. What else do you like about the place? Tell me what I needtoknow.”
“Fine—the bookstore has the best coffee. And the people-watching can be good there.” I lifted my eyes to his and smiled. It was hard to believe all the private shit I’d told him tonight. But after the disastrous way our friendship ended, it felt good to tell him why. And now I had a new confidant. Trusting him was easier than I thought itwouldbe.
“Thanks.” Axel chuckled. “That’s exactly the kind of tip I’mlookingfor.”
“The diner out on Route 11 is excellent, but I don’t make it over there veryoften.”
“I don’t have a car,” he admitted. “I don’t want to spend the money until I’m sure the job is going to go wellforme.”
“Whywouldn’tit?”
He pushed his plate away. “You never know. It doesn’tfeellike the athletic department is staffed by homophobic assholes. But it’s a small department at a small school in a small town. I can’t just assume that I’ll fit inanywhere.”
“Oh.” This was just the sort of complication that staying in the closet helped me avoid. It was really the only perk of denying myself the life Iwanted.
“The people I’ve met so far seem okay,though…”
Axel told me about his job, and I loved hearing about it. I’d forgotten how easy it used to be with us. How we could shoot the shit for hours. Our conversation wandered to marketing and then TVshows…
I could have sat there all night. But eventually Axel pushed back his chair and carried his plate to the sink. “Stop right there,” I said. “I’ve got thedishes.”
“You don’t have to do that,” heprotested.
“But I want to.” I carried my plate over, too. Then I put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a playful nudge out oftheway.
He turned to me with a smile that I felteverywhere. “Fine. I’ll pour you another drop of wine. You’re not driving, right? I didn’t seeacar.”
“Right.”Because I’m paranoid about my car being spotted outside your home. I was suchashit.
I washed the dishes and Axel dried. I drank my wine standing there in his kitchen, trying not to let my eyes drift over his body. I knew I couldn’t sit on the sofa with him. I didn’t trustmyself.
When the glass was empty, I set it on the counter. “I really should go. But this is the most fun I’ve had in a long time.” Why not tell the truth, right? It’s not like I could make a habit of this. Toorisky.
