Page 24 of Hello Forever
DearCaxtastrophe,
Don’t apologize. You told me the rules. I heard you loud and clear, but then I went looking forloopholes.
Sorry to put you in such a tough position. I won’t do it again. Unless you want me to. *Slaps self.* Okay, that wasn’t helpful. I’ll try tobegood.
Axeldental
Ihit “send”and hoped that our friendship could be resuscitated. Yet my conscience nagged at me. I’d never stop wanting him. And I’d never stop trying to figure out how tohavehim.
There had to beaway.
ChapterNine
Cax
Winter arrived,bringing another foot of snow to Massachusetts. I wrote two papers for the classes I was taking and graded papers for the class where I was a T.A. Joshua Royce wrote a good paper about the history of dairy farming in New England. I gave himanA-.
He never mentioned my visit to his tenant’s apartment, and I sure never broughtitup.
Sitting in a library carrel after office hours, I made some notes about a manuscript I was reading, while making periodic checks of my private emailaccount.
These days, I checked the damn thing every five minutes like a love-sick teenager. I knew I was being pathetic. It’s just that I couldn’t helpmyself.
For the past few weeks, Caxtastrophe and Axeldental had exchanged dozens of short messages. Except for those first two, where we apologized to each other, there wasn’t a lot of weighty content. Instead, everything we said to each other was light and funny.Friendly.
Andflirty. But not in a dirty way. Axel didn’t send pictures of his dick or anything. Instead, he’d send pictures of his dinner or something—like a homemade chicken cutlet covered in marinara sauce and mozzarella.Hungry? There’s plenty, he’dwritten.
Of course I’d begged off, my excuse being the Bulls game that had been on TV. I’d sent him a picture of my feet propped up on the coffee table with the TV in thebackground.
I’d wondered if he’d ask me when I’d become a Bulls fan. When we lived in Ohio, the Bulls were his team, while I hadn’t been much into basketball at all. I only played at church retreats because Axel liked it so much. It wasn’t until after we moved away that I began to follow basketball inearnest.
Because it made me thinkofhim.
But when he’d replied, Axel hadn’t mention the Bulls.Oooh! How did you know I had a foot fetish? Just kidding. Nobody really has those, right? I mean, nobody who’s ever sniffed my basketballshoes.
We traded emails all the time now. Just like that, his chatter became part of my life again, and it made me ridiculously happy. Ours was an odd, electronic friendship. We were twenty-two-year-old pen pals who lived only two miles apart. Pretty pathetic, but I didn’t dwell on it. Because being his pen-pal was my onlyoption.
Can I ask a question?Axel wrote one evening.What does your dad do for work here in town? And how does he manage to keep his foot on your back now that you don’t live at home? Sorry if that’s too personal a question. You don’t have totellme.
I’d preferred our light and flirty emails. But I answered itnonetheless.
He works for the college.He runs their ROTC program and teaches a course on militaryhistory.
And as for the other question, I’m aware that he can’t really keep tabs on me. But when I moved back here I told him I wanted to help out with the boys. And he just laid it out—a threat. If my “faggot ass” was with a man, I’d never see my brothersagain.
Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to write that? Because Iknowit’s ridiculous. He shouldn’t be able to order me to be a straight man. He shouldn’t care, and he shouldn’t have any idea that threats can shape me into someone else. There’s nothing about his behavior that makes any sense. But I have to follow his weird rules or he’ll cut off access to Scotty, who needs me the most. Jared and Mark I could probably still talk to onthesly.
He interrogates them, too. Like, who were you with at the basketball game, etc. I live the life he demands because I can’t afford to find out what will happen if Islipup.
Ihit “send”before my ego could think too hard about what I’d written. Not only did I hate my father, I often hated myself for going along with his bullshit. It’s just that I couldn’t figure out howtostop.
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: I’m sorry. I’m sorry that’s how it is, and I’m sorry I made you talk about it. And I’m really sorry that there isn’t some way we can spend time together. But at least I understand now why wecan’t.
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: Ugh. Thank you. Moving on. There is one place we’re going to see each other, though. At least I hope so. Intramural basketball starts next week. And the first game on the schedule is between the school of graduate studies and the athleticdepartment.
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: I was going to ask you about that. Is it okay if I play? Boz got me in the gym to practice last week. Seems like a fun littleleague.
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: Of course it’s okay if you play. What more manly venue is there than the gym? I’m counting on you being there. (Insert smack talk about how I’ll wipe up the court withyou,etc.)
