Page 63 of Man Hands
Twenty-four hours later,I’m singing a different tune. Honestly,Dancing with the Starsmight actually be easier than finishingthisjob.
It’s not Quebec’s fault. It’s really fucking beautiful here, but now that only pisses me off. The rugged mountains and the piney scent ought to make me happy. But they don’t, because the network wants me to do the unthinkable: a tackyrenovation.
In all my years in TV, I’ve never had creative differences with the network. They don’t usually care what I do as long as the owner cries tears of joy when I’m done. But this time it’s different, because the homeowner is the producer of one of those shows where seventeen scandals happen before the first commercialbreak.
No wonder the pay was so high. I didn’t realize I would have to sell my soul to finish thisproject.
“You want glitz and shiny surfaces,” I’m saying to the producer on our second day of pre-production. “But this old ski lodge you’ve chosen clearly demands a rustic, manly touch. There ought to be deer antlers on the wall, and rough-hewnbeams.”
He taps one shiny shoe on the floor and makes atsk-tsksound. “I need skylights in the den and a hot tub that seatssixteen.”
“Sixteen?” I bark. “That’s not a hot tub. That’s aRomanorgy!”
“Have you even watchedBetrothed?” the producer asks. “Orgies are not out of the question. Six engaged couples spend a month together to be sure their bonds are strong enough for marriage. It’s a great vacation. But temptation iseverywhere.”
“Wait.” My poor brain tries to wrap itself around this horrible concept. “So you put them all in bathing suits in a hot tub and see who cheatsfirst?”
“The bathing suits are optional,” he says with a snicker. His teeth are so white and shiny that I’m practicallyblinded.
I groan, when I’d really rathervomit.
“Now talk me through the upstairs renovation,” he says. “How many skylights canIhave?”
None, you fucker. “Skylights are a terrible idea in this climate. They’ll cause ice damming in the winter, and the roofwillleak.”
Shiny Shoes gives a shrug. “I’ll be long gone by then. And I need a lot of light fixtures everywhere, so we can capture the infidelitiesinHD.”
Seriously, I want to bonk him over the head with my socket wrench. “I’ll make sure the electrician is up tospeed.”
“The kitchen table has to sit at least a dozen people at once. No, wait—it needs to be the kind that can be either large or small depending on the need. As the couples break up and leave the show, I’ll need a more intimatesetting.”
Gross. But the table is not my problem. “When the designer turns up, you can tell him all about it.” Theoretically they’re sending an interior designer tomorrow. And it’s a damn good thing, because if Shiny Shoes wants mirrors on the ceiling, or heart-shaped beds, it’s not myfuneral.
I already heard him say something about a lilac colorscheme.Gag.
My phone rings, and it’s a thrilling sound, because it means I can escape from this fuckwit. “Excuse me,” I say loudly, for the benefit of anyone in earshot. “My fiancée is on the line.” Becky the publicist has asked me to refer to Brynn that way as often aspossible.
And Brynn is making that easy for me, because it really is her on the phone. Eagerly, I step away from Shiny Shoes and move outdoors, where everything is calm and beautiful. “Hi, gorgeous,” Ianswer.
“Hi!” she returns, sounding breathless. “I didn’t get your text until now. I was kneading somedough.”
“Wereyou now?” I say, dropping my voice. But I realize too late that “kneading some dough” doesn’t sound the least bit sexy, so now I’m snorting and laughing and Brynn is giggling inmyear.
“I don’t even want to know,” she says,tittering.
Tittersis such an awesome word. And just like that I feel all the frustrations of this job fall away. Ten seconds on the phone with Brynn is all ittakes.
“I had some good news today,” she says. “I’m making a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread tocelebrate.”
“Oh, wow. Cinnamon raisin bread is really good for toast. With butter…” My stomachrumbles.
“Don’t you want to hearthenews?”
“Of course. Whathappened?”
“I got an interview!” shecries.
“Congratulations! Where?” Thisisgood news. Maybe I haven’t ruined her life,afterall.
