Page 67 of Man Hands
“Do you have any more ofthatwine?”
I point at thefridge.
“And have you actually met thisChandra?”
I shakemyhead.
“Then why does she matter if she’sgonenow?”
“That’s three questions,” Ipointout.
“So? What do you care if he once featheredChandra’snest?”
“Because…” It’s hard to say this aloud to my ninety-nine pound successful friend. “She’s skinny and blond and super successful.”Justlikeyou.
“Still not seeing the problem,” Ash says as she opens the wine. “Ooh, a cork!Fancy.”
“I splurged. No box wine for your newly employedfriend.”
Ash grabs me into a hug. “Congrats! And don’t be intimidated by some bitch named Chandra. She’s not in the picture anymore, otherwise he wouldn’t be fake-engaged to you. Can we dip stuff into meltedcheesenow?”
We do, and it’s prettygreat.
But I just can’t let it go. So after dinner we watch more ofMr. Fixit Quick. The season finale was shot live for some reason. They make a big deal about the live shoot, and I’m uncomfortable. My skin prickles with the knowledge that something big is coming. And I’m not wrong. Just as Tom and Chandra lay the final tile in the kitchen of my dreams, he drops down onto one knee. Toproposetoher.
“Will you make me the happiest man in a tool belt?” he asks. He pulls an engagement ring out of his shirtpocket.
My heart is in my throat. I try to see if it’s the same ring I’m wearing, but I can’t. I can’t see it because by that point I can’t see anything at all. Maybe it’s all the wine that Ash is pouring. She’s like the Niagara Falls of the wine. Or maybe it’s because my eyes are full oftears.
Even though I know intellectually that this was recorded months ago, I am horribly, irrationally jealous. This doesn’t make much sense, of course, because I know Tom and this chick aren’t currently engaged. But even though it happened on television, that proposal was very real. You just can’t fake the hope and excitement on Tom’s face. Nobody is that good of anactor.
Chandra may have fake boobs, but she got the real goods from Tom. I want to slap her with my frosting spatula and then force feed her something caloric. Like chocolate-covered bacon. Eat that,bitch!
I can’t stop watching. I want to, but I can’tlookaway.
On the screen, Chandra is grinning at Tom. She’s all teeth. Really white, perfect teeth. “Get up, silly!” she squawks. “Don’t be such a bigkidder.”
Oh. Oh no. OhpoorTom.
My emotional roller coaster banks into a turn as Tom’s face falls faster than my aunt Betty’s soufflé. “Not kidding here, hon. I bought this house for you.Forus.”
She taps her high-heeled shoe on the tile and bites her lip. “Please stand up, Tom. This isn’t funny. We’ll talk about itlater.”
Oh, honey. My heart breaks into tiny slivers, like a piece of peanut brittle right out of thefreezer.
“Damn!” Ash squeals. “That ice-coldbitch!”
“Iknow!”
There’s a horrible, awkward pause, and Tom slowly rises to his feet. The producer must have cut to a commercial break a moment later. And season nine just…ends. We’re sitting on my couch watching thecreditsroll.
“Note to self,” Ash says, swigging her wine. “Never ask a woman to marry you onliveTV.”
“She didn’t have to embarrass him!” Isqueal.
Ash gives me a cautious glance. “I suppose she could have improvised better. But, honey, hecorneredher. They weren’t on the same page at all. How could he notknowthat?”
“She must not have been honest with him earlier on,” I say, basing this opinion on zero facts. Seriously, if we were having this discussion about anyone else in TV-land, I would probably be agreeing with Ash right now. But instead I feel nothing but protective of Tom. Who could date him and not fall for him? Chandra must be one of those people who hates puppies. No—she’s a cyborg! That would explainalot.
