Page 72 of Man Hands
“Really? Your investigator quit, huh? My marital status is single until further notice. And Steven owes me for half the house, nomatterwhat.”
“It doesn’t even matter,” the dickwad on the other end of this call says. “If you were sexually intimate with your new fiancé prior to the official separation, he can stillsueyou.”
“But Iwasn’t!”
“We can analyze the phone records from the time before yourdivorce—”
“Do it!” I shriek. “Please. Take all the time you need. I’ll fax you our Verizon bills, going back a couple of years. Would five years be enough? Also, you may want to talk to yourclientand see who he was involved with before we ended our relationship.” I’m shaking, but not because I’m scared. I did nothing wrong. Not one thing. And if my ex thinks so little of me, then I hope he spends a thousand billable hours trying to shame me. I don’t actually know for sure that he was involved with someone, but if he wants to play hardball,Iwill.
“A lawsuit could be very costly,” the voice reminds me. “It might be easier for everyone if I just send over a document of agreement, changing the terms of youralimony.”
“Fuck. Right. Off,” I say immediately. “Steven will pay every penny he owes. On time. And then Imightnot sue his family for wrongful termination at the college. If I’m feeling generous.” There’s a pause. Even though he’s quiet, I can tell he’s struggling with what to say. Because I’m absolutelyright.
Ash has already urged me to sue—to hold Steven’s asshole father accountable for my pink slip. I’m pretty sure I was the only one in my department to get one. I hate the idea of suing anybody. But suddenly I hate it alittleless.
There’s a click ontheline.
“Hello?”Iask.
The lawyer actually hung uponme.
I sit there a minute, stunned. Then I reach for the landline I never use and dial Steven’s cell phone from memory. He probably doesn’t know this number, and he might justanswer.
Itworks.
“Hello?” he asks in his stupid, quaveryvoice.
“This is Brynn,” I say, trying to keep the growl out of my voice. “I never cheated. Not once. Even though you ignored me foryears.”
“Oh. Uh…” I’ve caught him off guard. Clearly he didn’t expect to have to deal with me, even over thephone. “Well…”
“Your father fired me. He took my job. I haveno income except for the money you rightfully owe me from our house. If you come after that, I will sue your father. Very publicly. Very painfully. And if theWest MichiganPressasks me for a statement, I will be sure to add that your penis resembles an alien noodle. And that you don’t have the first clue how touseit.”
He gasps. “There’s no need to becruel.”
“Oh really? Well it’scruelto treat your wife like the house elf, Steven! If my rage bubbles over, just remember that it comes from someplace very real. I was a competent, optimistic human being until you woremedown.”
He is silent for a moment. “You didn’t cheat? That video was pretty, er…Revealing.”
My heart gallops as I picture Steven watching the video. Then hittingplayagain and again. Ialmostgiggle, but rein it in at the last second. It sounds like a burp, but whatever. “You watched thevideo?”
“Well, er… Myfather…”
Another half giggle escapes into my throat, and I swallow it down. “Your father enjoyed ittoo,huh?”
“Um…” Steven makes an embarrassed noise. “The tabloids say you met Tom Spanner in thespring.”
“That’syour issue? Daddy read the tabloids, and now you think I’m a cheater? The tabloids also say that Chris Hemsworth is from the planet Uranus!” I’d read it last week in the grocery storecheckout.
Uranus is afunnyword.
Also, holy crap, let this day go down in history. For the first time in way too long, I actually spat out a witty rejoinder instead of stewing over it six hours later, lying sleepless and angry in my bed. This is a turning point! I need wine tocelebrate.
Furthermore, I’m going to have to frame that issue ofThe Sunfeaturing Chris Hemsworth and his spacecraft. Forposterity.
“Look, I’m not supposed to be talking to you,” Steven says abruptly, as if he’s just realized he’s been beaten. “We can communicate through ourlawyers.”
“Great idea! Have yours call me directly.” I am on fire, bitches. “I had so much fun chatting with him earlier. I hope he charges you a hundred grand to prove that I never cheated on your wimpy, palewhiteass.”
