Page 74 of Man Hands
“But…” She shrugs. “I can’t seem to get my own show, and thisofferwas…”
“Too good to pass up,” I finishforher.
“Yeah.”
We’re quiet. It’s not as awkward as it should be. I can sense she needs to tell me something, so I just waititout.
“I’m sorry,” she says. It’s a surprise to hear her say it. I’m not sure what she’s sorry for exactly, so I wait some more. “Maybe I should’ve said yes on camera, when you asked me to marry you. The producers wanted me to say yes. I was going to do it. We worked so well together on set. We look great together. We’d have attractivekids.But…”
“But what?” I ask it softly. Well, as softly as I can. I’m not mad anymore. I’m not anything really, except maybe mildlycurious.
“But then we went live, and something stopped me. You were perfectly nice and we had fun together, but I just always felt like something was missing, between us. And when you asked me to marry you, I just sort of blanked out. They want us back together, you know. That’s why I’m here. I’ll get a big bonus if I canseduceyou.”
Wait,what?
That’s when I start to sputter. “You can’t! No way! I’m…” I almost say “in love with someone” and that surprises me a little. But she doesn’t let mefinish.
“It’s okay. The thing is, as much as I’d like the bonus, I’d rather have somethingthat’s…real.”
I look at her then, and I smile. She reaches for my hand, and I take it. We’re just sitting there next to each other. It’s sort of awkward, but it’s maybe the first genuine moment we’ve ever shared. I give her hand a squeeze, and then I let go. Weletgo.
Then she says something that really does surprise me. “And to tell you the truth, I fucking hatelilac.”
I’ll be on my way back to Michigan by the time I find out that they werefilmingus.
40Top Ten. Again. Because Lists areSatisfying.
Brynn: Top Ten Best Things in Life This Week
1. The newChris Hemsworth photo on my wall. I colored the spaceship purple before I took it to theframingshop.
2. Walking through a giant vagina to buy coffee. It’s like re-experiencing my own birth every time I needcaffeine.
3. Dips and balls. Because even though I am now properly employed, those never go out ofstyle.
4. Food on sticks. Because I’m expanding myhorizons.
5. Feelingcompetent.
6. Actuallybeingcompetent. (Since #5 seems to apply to men,regardless.)
7. The afterglow of telling Steven to fuck off. I’m still glowing. I don’t even need to turn on lampsafterdark.
8—10. Being too busy having a life to finishthislist.
41Puzzle Pieces & RamenNoodles
Brynn
There’sa certain satisfaction that happens when you’re doing something you’re good at. It’s that satisfying “snick” of a puzzle piece sliding into place. When I walk through the giant, comforting vagina and into my classroom on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I feel that snick. I’m where I need to be. And I am goodatthis.
There’s twenty hungry students. I mean that literally. I think they’re all existing on art, sex, and ramen noodles, and I want to make them all some homemade ravioli. I’ll save that for later in the semester. First, though, I want to get them thinking about words. How they work. What they can do. How they can changeyourlife.
This week I’m not flighty or unfocused or boring, or any of the things I felt like I was when I was withSteven.
When I go over the syllabus, and I give out the first assignment, I’m confident. Controlled. Trembling a little with excitement. Great things will happen in this place, because I’m where I needtobe.
* * *
