Page 14 of Man Cuffed
“What is?”
“I’m tired of wondering why I don’t get cast. Is it my talent? Is it my preparation? Or is it my skin color. I mean—they say they want diverse casting, you know? But what they really mean is a really tan white girl and not an actual woman of color.”
“Shit,” Cassidy whispers. And this girl never swears. “I think that would make me crazy, too.”
“Sometimes it’s all I think about,” I confess. “Leading roles are very white. It’s even more true for women than men.”
Cassidy chews slowly. “But Meg. You’resobeautiful. And talented! I just don’t understand why you’re not cast in anything you show up for.”
“That is a very nice thing to say. But beauty is subjective. And it’s also making me crazy.”
It was my choice, though, to pick a job where looks matter so much. As a consequence, I probably spend more time looking in the mirror than your average accountant or veterinarian. When I do, I see features that are a really nice blend of my mom, who is a white Dutch lady, and my dad, who’s Jamaican American. I’m a striking mixture of the two of them. And my gut is 90% sure that it’s holding back my acting career.
But it’s even more complex than that. Sometimes, casting wants someone who is ethnic but nottooethnic. Take my sister, Sadie. People think she’s Indian, or Spanish, or just really tan. She has a golden hue that’s quite popular in Hollywood right now. She’s ethnic in a way that, to them, is interesting without specificity.
But I look more like our father. I press my hair for auditions, but it naturally has a lot of texture. And my skin tone is darker than Sadie’s. My gut says that a pharmaceutical executive somewhere decided not to alienate his white tampon consumers by putting me in that ad.
Or maybe my audition just wasn’t as good as I thought it was. I don’t know which. And the soul-killing truth is that I never will.
But I know two things for sure. One: I’m not supposed to say these things out loud. Because it sounds like whining and blaming other people for my career failures.
And two: this kind of circular thinking can really drive a girl insane. Which I know because I’m already there.
“I don’t think…” Cassidy says slowly. “I don’t think I ever want a job that depends on someone’s biased opinion of whether or not I’m pretty.”
“You’re…” I almost sayyou’re beautiful. Because she is. But that’s not the point. “You’re wiser than I am, then. Because it’s a real drag having to trade on your face. And that’s why I’m trying to find something else to do with my life. I need to get off the audition treadmill before I lose my mind.”
We both pick up our wine glasses at the same time. I take a deep gulp.
“What’s the weirdest thing anyone ever said to you at an audition?” Cassidy asks.
I let out a sigh. “Usually they don’t bother telling you why you didn’t get a callback. They just say ‘Next!’ But one time I handed over my audition card and the woman said—‘We already have a black girl.’”
Cassidy makes a horrified gulping sound and then chokes on her sip of wine. So I pound her on the back.
Me, I don’t choke anymore. I just get sad.
When I was in my early twenties, rejection didn’t bother me so much. I knew success wouldn’t be easy, and I was prepared to wait. But lately I’m just tired. I’m no longer sure if I’m auditioning out of love or out of pure stubbornness.
How do you know when it’s time to give up? What should I do with the rest of my life?
I don’t think those answers are going to find me tonight. Right now I just want to drink this wine and eat good food with my friend. It’s a good start.
“Oooooh.”
When the first moan arrives, I don’t even hear it. I’ve grown accustomed to living in a sex palace.
“Aaaaaah! Aaaaah!” the woman next door says. She sounds like she’s stepping into really cold water.
But Cassidy sits up straight, her eyes popping wide.
“YES! YES! YES! YES! HARDER!” screams the woman next door.
“Oh my,” Cassidy says, blinking behind her glasses. “That’s...loud.”
“Trust me, it’s louder in my bedroom. Or on the deck.” And I should know.
Cassidy fans herself. “Maybe we should leave. I feel like a pervert right now.”
